Chris Brown Is A Dad, Your God Is Dead

Last week, Chris Brown was barred from entering Canada thanks to being convicted of assault after beating the shit out of Rihanna and leaving her for dead in 2009. This week, he’s a dad! Which is exactly the type of news you want to hear after everything I just said. On top of that, his current girlfriend Karrueche Tran is not the mother, so there’s no way this ends in a massive fight where she dies after getting bit in the face. (Did I mention Chris Brown bites women while he beats them? Chris Brown bites women while he beats them.) TMZ reports:

Chris Brown is the proud father of a 9-month-old baby girl … TMZ has learned.
The baby’s mother is a 31-year-old former model named Nia — who we’re told has known Chris for several years.
Sources connected to both Nia and Chris tell us they are on very good terms — however they’re not together romantically. We’re told 25-year-old Chris is happy about being a father.

In related news, child service has released the following statement:

Goddammit, we can’t start carrying guns. Stop calling.

NEVER! *beep boo bop bee boopy bop* C’mon, c’mon, pick up…

Photo: Splash News