Chris Brown Broke a Window? Says Who?

“Alright, everyone say, ‘Bitch, get out the car fo’ I kill you! CHEEEESSEEE.'”

After storming off set and smashing a window following his pre-approved Good Morning America interview, Chris Brown spent the rest of the day changing his outfit more times than a 14-year-old girl, and posing for fans as if the whole thing was just a dream. Which it’s basically be treated as. Not only is ABC not pressing charges, thus putting Chris in jail for violating his probation, but they’re still committed to having him on Dancing With the Stars AND want him back on GMA. On top of that, Hollywood Life reports the entire situation doesn’t even matter because his fans never actually saw the outburst and are retarded teenagers who will buy anything is how I read this:

Celebrity publicist and founder of Garis PR & Media Group R. J. Garis agrees with Sands and believes Chris will profit from the added exposure.
“I think in the end, this incident will actually help his album sales,” he tells us. “His fan base is already well aware of his personality and his history. In fact, all the media and Internet attention on this story today just provides more promotion for the fact that the album just dropped. It’s like getting a million times more free mentions and plugs about the new album than he would have gotten with just a regular GMA promo appearance.”

If anyone walked into a store yesterday and went, “One album by the woman-beater who just threw a hissy fit when asked pre-screened questions about his actions, please,” we are so irretrievably fucked as a nation that it’s amazing we can conduct even the most basic of tasks needed to sustain a functional society. No, really, at this point, I’m honestly expecting people to just start forgetting how to drive and/or perform simple transactions. “So you want me to give you ‘money paper’ in exchange for that food in your hand? — How about I lay this leather pouch full of it on the counter and you explain to me how to eat because I just forgot? The yum-yum goes in my ear, right?”

NOTE: Added one of those Taiwanese CGI videos because it’s quite magical and not just because of the shockingly naive racism.

Photos: Splash News