Chill Out About The Kathy Griffin Thing For Chrissakes

We’re America. We do lurid shit all the goddamn time. Why is it that Kathy Griffin, who is lightyears off of anyone’s relevancy radar, is now becoming public enemy number one for this picture? American citizens have been making contesting (and often violent) effigies of political figures in ways that are just as graphic, if not far worse, than this since all those old colonial white dudes said, “hey do you know what would be tight? If we could be free to express our opinions in whichever way we choose in order to open debate and discussion!” For the sake of this argument, let’s just leave out the whole “except for black people and women” bit for now…

Last year, I went to a Mardi Gras parade and saw an entire float that depicted a giant, tiny-dicked Donald Trump, chowing down on Putin’s butthole as Putin had sex with Melania. Did that make national news? No. People write off New Orleans and assume everyone is just drunk all the time. Were there people who voted for Donald Trump in attendance who decided to flip shit in the middle of the crowd? No. It was recognized as satirical and even Trump supporters that saw it had the playfulness of a “burned ‘em” emoji face and went back to getting blackout drunk.

I’m not trying to defend Kathy Griffin here; I think her picture sucked. The lighting isn’t that interesting and Donald Trump’s facial mold looked like a middle-schooler’s failed paper mache project. Was it out of line for her to position herself holding his severed head in a way that brings to mind the countless ISIS decapitation videos we’ve seen? Yea… a little bit… but that’s not the point. What I’ve noticed this morning is that the media is once again spinning this as a partisan call to arms. Like Kathy Griffin (KATHY FUCKING GRIFFIN, PEOPLE) just carbombed Archduke Ferdinand and now it’s time to buttfuck Serbia.

Everyone needs to relax.

For anyone who wants to call me a lefty snowflake who probably spends free time fingering myself to Wes Anderson movies and coming up with new ways to compartmentalize LGBT groups, know that I’m not alone in thinking that this picture is a huge waste of time. It’s Kathy Griffin; the same lady who kissed Anderson Cooper’s bulge on live television. Be the bigger person, America. We’ve got people on trains out there, slitting throats for standing up to racism, c’mon. Hell, just a few days ago a republican congressman bodyslammed a reporter and he ended up winning the election, but Kathy Griffin holds up a shitty doll covered in corn syrup and people want her head on a pike?

And all this garbage about 11-year-old Barron Trump thinking that the picture was real… I’m just going to put it out there that Barron owns every video game ever made… he’s seen some shit.

Sorry, I just had to throw that out, but now that I’m done… We’ll go back to pictures of scantly-clad celebrities and Katy Perry’s faceplanting career.