Charlize Theron’s Big Fat Gay Wedding

November 23rd, 2005 // 31 Comments

charlize_stuart_thumb1.jpgIf you’ve been waiting to find out when Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend are getting married, you’ll have to wait a little longer – maybe. The two are planning to wed the day it becomes legal for gays and lesbians to wed in America. Theron told Extra, “We came up with a new idea that we said that we would get married the day that gays and lesbians can get married – when that right is given to them. We’ve decided that we’re gonna use that in a positive way, so the day that law gets passed then we’ll get married.”

Unless I’m mistaken, isn’t marriage regulated by the states? If that’s the case, they could end up getting married fifty different times. Which is all well and good, but I don’t know what kind of honeymoon they’re gonna have when Alabama finally gets around to legalizing gay marriage in 2060 or so. If you ask me, she’s just stalling. My hunch is that the real reason they’re waiting until gay marriage is legal is that Stuart Townsend is secretly a woman. And I base this on absolutely nothing.


  1. pYjamas

    Haha. Nice article. I love your humour :)

    Keep up the good work!

  2. Regime Machine

    Yeah, to me it sounds like she’s saying “we’ll get married when hell freezes over, big boy.” and someone took it literally. Poor gays. :(

  3. Fred Facker

    I know this is supposed to be some sort of activist gesture, but does she not realize that most heterosexual men on the planet don’t want to see her get married anyway?

  4. HollyJ

    You can forget 2060. I grew up in that great armpit Alabama–a hairy cromag armpit, at that. The entire state is an enormous closet full of gay Baptists. Every girl I went to high school with had a mullet and played softball. The guys wore skin-tight pants complete with cameltoe and too-small Tshirts. GAY GAY GAY I suspect that Kansas has the same problem.

    Maybe Charlize and Stuart aren’t interested in getting married, and this is their way of getting the press off their back. She could’ve used “When J Lo gets some class, we’ll get married” or “When Liz Taylor finally kicks it, we’ll get married”… Same result.

  5. MortyFishbein

    HollyJ, that’s funny! I am from the great, unwashed state of Alabama too. And they still differentiate pigs as “eatin’ pigs,” “snugglin’ pigs” and “pigs you take home to mama.”

    So, Charlize Theron will probably never get married in this century. Great gesture though, Charlize. I wish everyone had your sense of honor!

  6. PinkRose

    Was Charlize trying to be cute and funny with that comment? If she was, she failed.

  7. koabel

    The Full Faith and Credit Clause of the Constitution basically says that if you get married in one state, it holds true in the other states as well. Since it’s legal in Massachusetts already, anyone married there should be recognized as married in the other states. This is where a lot of debating is going on now. Theron is a gimp.

  8. koabel

    The Full Faith and Credit Clause of the Constitution basically says that if you get married in one state, it holds true in the other states as well. Since it’s legal in Massachusetts already, anyone married there should be recognized as married in the other states. This is where a lot of debating is going on now. Theron is a gimp.

  9. Charlize’s failure to grasp the whole issue beyond shouting from the rafters, “Look at me care about this! Care about this like I do!” is typical Hollywood activism. These are the same kooks who fall prey to any trend or religion, no matter how ridiculous.

  10. Little Flowers

    I thought Charlize did not ever want to get married (trauma from that whole thing about her mother killed her father)

  11. Until recently, gays in Kansas were in the closet.

    We had to kick most of them out so there’d be room for us atheists.

  12. kelikristina

    Yeaaa, that’s kind of dumb.

  13. AD

    ok, this is dumb indeed.

    I wonder if she really thinks activists, or anyone in charge of making these laws could care any less about her status. Even I don’t care at all, and I support the cause!

    If she wants to support the cause and do something about it, I’d much rather have her.. I dunno… do something that actually supports the cause? :/

  14. always answer b

    This is basically among the more ludicrous things I’ve ever heard.

  15. jewel262

    that has to be the stupidest thing i have ever read. like our lawmakers even care if charlize theron gets married. what a loser.

  16. HollyJ

    LOL Morty! I always appreciate finding another Hellabama escapee…

    There’s an atheist in Kansas? Someone better notify the Topeka Capital to drag that bugger out of town… Only the King Jimmy podpeople are allowed in

  17. Now now, not everyone in Kansas is a Bible-thumping Fred Phelps wannabe. Only the ones in charge.

    Actually, there’s several atheists here besides myself. And all things considered, we’re really treated quite well. We get let out of the church basement to see the sun at least twice a month; and thanks to atheist advocacy groups, there’s hardly any weevils in our bread crusts.

  18. sexydarin

    They aren’t going to get married until all sexually abnormal deviants get to legally marry .

  19. Jajoba

    I’m almost ashamed to be South African right now. Must agree, this is absolute rubbish.

  20. sadietolstoy

    Who cares? I don’t give a damn what they do.

  21. piercedink

    How nice that she can take an intense emotional issue and twist it all around into a snappy little one-liner to use for her own convenience. Pity poor Charlize being asked when she might avail herself of a basic human right Gays are denied. How fucking arrogant.

  22. Amorena

    I don’t thik there is any evidence that she doesn’t understand the complexity of teh issue or that she sees it only in terms of a snappy one-liner.
    Interviews and interviewers mostly suck, but are a necessary part of being in the entertainment industry. She’s probably friggin’ sick and tired of being asked when they are getting married, at this point, and tried to put the question in a somewhat different perspective. Marraige, for what it’s worth, ought to be available to all consenting adults.

  23. sexydarin

    how about consenting children and consenting animals and consenting inanimate objects. Give me frickin break.

  24. Amorena

    New study shows: Inability to differentiate between non-human animals and human adults, and inanimate objects and human adults is directly linked to having been drubbed full of religious dogma at an early age.
    No known cure exists at this point, but scientists have discovered that if a surgical procedure to remove the belly windows from these individuals is performed, some progress is made due to the fact that they are forced to “pop their heads out, for a little while to breathe”, as one researcher put it.

  25. sexydarin

    It’s better than the leftist secular marxist dogma your spewing.

  26. slinkhard

    Amorena, it’s too late for sexydarin.

  27. thearetical

    Right, how totally ineffective for her to use her marital status to draw attention to an imporant cause.
    Believe it or not, there are many people who are either completely unaware of or tuned-out to the treatment of marriage rights, etcetera. All she’s doing is using her heightened public exposure to highlight an issue and let the world know where she stands on it. Her fans are influenced by her ideas, she knows it and based on that she’s trying to effect positive change.
    Would it be better if she used her marital status to get her own reality show?

  28. HollyJ

    The blue whale has the world’s largest penis, averaging more than 10′ long and 1′ in diameter.

    (It’s not relevant, but it seems more interesting.)

  29. Stacyy

    Charlize theron is one of the most beautiful actresses. that guy is ugly. and it appears as though she is stupid. i was just wondering why they are waiting for GAY marriages 2 be legal..either the guy is actually a woman, or he is gay and knows it will never be legal in all of america so he doesnt have to marry her and will have publicity for the rest of his life.aah hollywood ..

  30. Elizabeth F

    Charlize is beautiful, talented, charismatic, and emotionally disturbed. As a third year graduate student in Clinical Psychology, I can tell you that her problems are much more significant than being a little marriage shy. Her mother is clearly a narcissist (read some of the interviews from her website, Marie Claire, Premiere, Vogue– they are heartbreaking– and she is subconsciously trying to reveal her abuse. Charlize gets a shovel in the head, beat with hangers for spilling food, told that her Golden Globe nomination is fitting reward for her mother’s difficult child-labor, made to sleep on the floor of her nanny’s room until her mother leaves, speaks incessantly about how hard her mother’s life was, a seeming constant profession of guilt for her own success in lieu of her mother’s, not to mention some unsettling intimacy/attachment descriptions with her mother). Look up the description of Narcisstic Personality Disorder, half of Hollywood is afflicted with this disorder. It’s an interesting problem because it actually drives a lot of people to succeed, and often these people are very talented and charistmatic. I am not suggesting that Charlize has NPD, but clearly she came from an extraordinary background and her mother seems to have it. She has chosen to identify and excuse the only member of her family left. If her father was as abusive as he was painted, then poor Charlize has more than just mother issues. Her mother is undoubtedly a talented, strong and interesting woman too; I’m sure they do genuinely love one another. Nobody is pure evil, and these sorts of things are inherited– her mother’s own mother was probably the same with her. Charlize has made professions about deserving harsh punishments and not wanting therapy, but preferring to channel her problems into her art. Unfortunately until she, and many high-achievers like her with the same affliction realize that the real power comes with getting treatment and acknowledging that many of the things that happen in childhood are wrong, we will continue to find that all of our idols (in entertainment and other fields) have completely damaged interpersonal relationships and views. Charlize, if she ever marries, will marry when her mother passes away. The Gay-Marriage thing is deflection.

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