Charlize Theron has got it all

September 22nd, 2005 // 34 Comments

Charlize_Theron.jpgHave I ever mentioned how Charlize Theron is the best thing to happen to me since that busload of blind supermodels broke down in front of my summer house in Salt Lake City? No? Well she is, and here’s why:

Not only is she an Oscar winner, but she’s rumored to be in the pre-race race for yet another golden eunuch statue. She’s set to guest star on five episodes of the criminally hilarious Arrested Development as of next week. She and I have the same passions (for example: not getting raped). And as if all of that wasn’t enough, last Tuesday, she literally kissed Shirley MacLaine’s ass, which means one of two things. Either she loves beef jerky, or the girl is way into necrophilia. And if she’ll do necro, what won’t she do?

Yeah, Charlize Theron is officially the best thing to happen to me, you, and mankind at large. Even my supermodel wives agree. But they still think I’m David Hasselhoff and that David Hasselhoff is an adonis, so I’d take their opinion with a grain of salt.


  1. Horace H. Kempster

    Some body has a CR-R-U-USH!!!!

    *giggles, then cries*

  2. HillaryYoung

    I’m a straight girl, and Charlize still makes me quiver.

  3. Proteon

    This woman is as bland as the day is long. That and her ass is about 10 times too large to play Aeon Flux but hey, she won an oscar so fuck Aeon Flux.

  4. Make no mistake, I’d hit it.

  5. jon

    I don’t know about you, but i’d hit David Hasselhoff.

    Oh wait, Charlize who?

  6. Charlize “Mighty Joe Young” Theron. Charlize “2 Days In The valley” Theron.

  7. PinkRose

    She’s a great actress, but as far as looks go..she’s very bland to me. But I’m straight woman so what do I know. But will say this: she was great in “That Thing You Do” and “Devils Advocate”.

  8. Nikk The Templar

    She makes me want to slide a glass slipper onto her foot and take her away to some enchanted kingdom….and by enchanted kingdom, I mean a nice resteraunt and a movie…

  9. Juliette

    She seems very boring to me. Her beauty makes up for it I guess.

  10. asherdeus

    I think she’s pretty overrated, but I’m not going to say that I wouldn’t get her done.

  11. DallasFish

    She was good in “That Thing You Do?” (a nice flick, don’t get me wrong). She had, like 2 lines in that movie.

    She looked good in it, though.

    She was great in “Monster” and deserved the Oscar.

  12. heartstring

    i agree with pinkrose. i don’t think she’s that pretty, but i’m a straight woman. however, i do think she’s a great actress.

    maybe i just don’t think she’s that pretty because when i see her i think of her as Aileen Wuornos.

  13. Her initials CT are a hoot :))

    However, I like her short dark do.

  14. mw

    Hmmm I notice the females calling Charlize “bland” and “not that pretty”. Come on girls its OK to admit another chick is prettier then you. If Charlize is bland they you guys must be piles of steaming dog poo. With flies on top. And maggots. I mean, I’m definitely a totally hot piece of ass but even Charlize has me beat there. hahah Now the ass-kicking coolness factor is another story… mine all mine. There is no one cooler.

  15. I’m a guy and I think she is bland as hell. I notice nobody has said what a great actor she is.

  16. Ms. Dilligaff

    I just wish she was playing something other than Michael’s love interest on AD. It makes me think she won’t be that funny, and then I’ll be disappointed. I don’t LIKE to be disappointed.

  17. arleetle

    I must say that I agree with you.
    She’s hot, sexy, smart and looks great in that outfit for Aeon Flux.

  18. mac2048

    Oh hell no, mw, I’m a woman and I would make sweet love to Charlize for the rest of eternity. And I have no problem admitting that I’m not worthy to lick her boots… though I will… you know… if she’s into that and all… please say you are into that, Charlize!

  19. DallasFish

    The only actress that could actually pass for the animated Aeon Flux is, gulp, Lara Flynn Boyle (Men in Black 2)…at least Charlize looks like a woman….

  20. izzy

    i think she’s gorgeous. has anyone ever seen “waking up in reno”? she makes white trash look really good. she’s definately not bland.

  21. Juliette

    She is a beautiful woman, no question…her personality is what seems to come across as bland.

  22. heartstring

    when i say “i don’t think she’s that pretty” i mean by hollywood standards. she’s still prettier than your average chick.

    and proteon:
    several people have mentioned what a great actress she is, myself included.

  23. Dawn7

    Charlize isn’t quite dramatic enough for me. Aren’t celebrities supposed to make complete asses out of themselves? It’s like with all the media turning us into cult tabloid readers, I’ve forgotten about her. That is sad, because I think she is kind, and beautiful. She needs to do something to grab my attention now, or maybe my nipple..either or..

  24. mutterhals

    You can criticize a pretty girl and not be a complete toad, Charlize is attractive enough but personality wise she is null and void. Give me Milla Jovovich any day

  25. mutterhals

    And i’d like to add i look hot all the time, while most of these hollywood chicks only look hot in full makeup and designer dresses

  26. Proteon

    Aeon Flux should have been played by Famke Jensen. Charlize Theron in the Aeon Flux outfit looks like she’s taking a pilate class.

    I dont’ remember Aeon looking like a fat pig.

  27. ihatechoosingnames

    mutterhals: ditto!

    why is it that when females criticize other females it is automatically assumed that it’s because we are jealous/ugly? i could name dozens of women who i think are amazing but there are loads that i think are repulsive too. we all have the right to an opinion.

    (err not that i think charlize theron is repulsive, just making a point.)

  28. sexydarin

    She is extremely good looking. She is almost “jessica alba” good looking. almost. Hollywood standard of good looks is no standard at all considering 99% of the females in hollywood are ugly, just like the real world.

  29. Kallisti

    She is pretty, but I think she looks better as a blonde.

  30. Juliette

    Has Charlize ever had LONG hair? I can’t remember…

  31. sexydarin

    hardly any girl looks good in black hair. I take charlize as a blonde too.

  32. Wanna Be Heather's Lookalike

    Charlize sucks.Heather is way way better than Charlize

  33. Wanna Be Heather's Lookalike

    heather locklear 4ever!Charlize you suck! big time!

  34. The two were seen together in Hollywood recently and they told me they can attend the post-Oscar Vanity Fair party.

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