Charlize Theron has got it all

Superficial / September 22, 2005

Charlize_Theron.jpgHave I ever mentioned how Charlize Theron is the best thing to happen to me since that busload of blind supermodels broke down in front of my summer house in Salt Lake City? No? Well she is, and here’s why:

Not only is she an Oscar winner, but she’s rumored to be in the pre-race race for yet another golden eunuch statue. She’s set to guest star on five episodes of the criminally hilarious Arrested Development as of next week. She and I have the same passions (for example: not getting raped). And as if all of that wasn’t enough, last Tuesday, she literally kissed Shirley MacLaine’s ass, which means one of two things. Either she loves beef jerky, or the girl is way into necrophilia. And if she’ll do necro, what won’t she do?

Yeah, Charlize Theron is officially the best thing to happen to me, you, and mankind at large. Even my supermodel wives agree. But they still think I’m David Hasselhoff and that David Hasselhoff is an adonis, so I’d take their opinion with a grain of salt.