Charlize Theron & Sean Penn Are Over

Charlize Theron was discovered when an agent witnessed her flipping out on a bank teller, and Sean Pean once bound and tortured Madonna for nine hours, so it comes as a shocking surprise that these two couldn’t make it in this topsy-turvy world. Us Weekly reports:

One insider tells Us that the high-profile pair, who got together in December 2013, decided that their romance was over following their most recent jaunt to the Cannes Film Festival in the south of France. The source tells Us that Theron, 39, was the one to break things off with the fellow Oscar winner.

Not even a week into their relationship, Charlize Theron used some sort of magic to talk Sean Penn into getting rid of his guns, so clearly she was making escape plans from the start, and those plans were, “Don’t get fucking shot when you finally realize his dick is very, very old.” Which raises the question, how the hell did Scarlett Johansson get out? And the answer is karate. Scarlett Johansson used karate. Or she just stopped showing up to his house, who the fuck knows? I still haven’t made it past the, “Hi, these pants came with a stain in the front,” part of a relationship. But I’m trying!

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