Charlize Theron Somehow Convinced Sean Penn To Get Rid of His Guns, It’s A Mystery

January 13th, 2014 // 39 Comments
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Scarlett Johansson Sean Penn
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Sean Penn used to bang Scarlett Johansson, yet at no point during their relationship did she convince him to get rid of his guns which is what happens when you get pregnant and abort a man’s baby. (Weird angles made me say that. They have my family!) Charlize Theron, on the other hand, knocked that shit out in a week. E! News reports:

“Being provoked by this aforementioned strong woman and considering how liberating of bullshit and ugliness it would be not only get rid of the guns I have in the continental United States but also to destroy them, Jeff Koons and I had a chat the other day,” Penn said.
He said, “The highest bidder gets every single one of my guns put in the hands of this iconic artist and sculptor… Koons will decommission [and] render inactive all of my cowardly killing machines.”

Anderson Cooper ended up winning Sean’s guns for $1.4 million after Piers Morgan tapped out at $1.3 million because Kathy Griffin doesn’t constantly show up at his house uninvited. You gotta be motivated for these things.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. I call bullshit. There aren’t a thousand guns in Koons’ sculpture. There aren’t even two hundred. I’ve counted.

  2. Sounds like he’s keeping his Hawaiian guns though. Probably because pineapples.

  3. I am perfectly happy with the idea of Sean Penn not having access to firearms. It’s always seemed like only a matter of time.

  4. Getting rid of the guns you have “in the continental United States” seems awfully specific. Maybe he sees them as less cowardly in Alaska where moose will straight up fucking kill you, or in Africa where Sean Penn wouldn’t be caught dead doing humanitarian work without being surrounded by armed guards.

  5. Louis

    Uh… how did Charlize have anything to do with it?

  6. JC

    “However,” Penn continued, “I will never surrender my mansion made out of guns on Guam. Or my monkey butlers. Who carry guns.”

  7. Charlize Theron Sean Penn Together Haiti Gala
    brick
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t care about Guns, Sean Penn, Haiti or Thor but this was an excellent post none-the-less. Thanks Superficial dude!

  8. So Anderson Cooper spent $1.4 million to take Sean Penn’s 2 guns ‘off the streets’ when it seems like a safe bet pussy ass Sean Penn wasn’t ever going to shoot anything or anyone, ever, with his 2 legally owned guns. Yeah, the world is a much safer place now. Maybe one of these dipshits should have considered that $1.4 million could have taken 14,000 illegal firearms off the streets if it were donated to an inner city gun buyback program that pays $100 for every gun turned in? But then, who would sniff the farts?

    • It was 65 guns, and the money went to a Haitian relief organization. But I imagine you don’t think that’s a worthwhile cause.

      • Actually, no, I do not see haitian relief as a worthwhile cause. Has any amount of relief money poured down that rat hole made one iota of difference? Does your nitpicky correction of 2 guns to 65 guns make any difference as far as the point I was making, ie: 2 (or 65) legal guns owned by a peacenik celebrity taken off the streets at a cost of $1.4 million, when that same amount could have been used to take 14,000 illegal firearms owned by inner city people who live in the heart of illegal gun violence land?
        Anyhow, imagine no more. Your assumption as far as my opinion of Haitian relief was spot on. Unless the entire wad of dough is to be spent on vasectomies and tubal ligations. In that case, it would do a lot of good for their long term viability as a stable society.

      • My “nitpicky correction” served to point out that the facts you cite come out of your ass.

      • What’s your point? Do you have one, or do you just respond to what I post to make a nitpicky crybaby nuisance of yourself? Does it make one iota of difference if 2 or 20 or 200 of Sean Penn’s guns were taken off the streets? Did that do anything at all to promote an end to gun violence? Did it matter if Jessica Simpson has a 1,000 million dollars or just 100 million dollars as far as whether she should give a shit what you think of her ass size? Being contrary just to make a pain in the ass of yourself is what children do in grade school. It seems to also be what Mandee’s salespeople do when the store is slow. Now correct me on where the fucking apostrophe in Mandee’s goes, as if that has anything to do with anything.

      • It really is hilarious to watch you flail around when your shit gets called out, schmidtler. You basically tailspinned into calling TomFrank’s Ghost the class nerd for clearly knowing more than you. Because that’s what adults do when they’re proven wrong. Yell, “Nerd!” then hope everyone laughs instead of noticing you’re a goddamn idiot.

      • He is a fucking imbecile that can’t seem to find a conservative site to take him in, so he keeps returning here day after day to get humiliated.

      • I am so the class nerd.

      • So you think the issue of whether Sean Penn had 2 or 65 or 200 of his guns was central to my point that this did nothing whatsoever to help end the problem of gun violence n any meaningful way, as opposed to say spending the same amount of money to take 14,000 illegal firearms off the street by way of a gun buyback program? Yeah, your response is just like a crowd of morons who’ll all screech out ‘ooooh, he got you’ because they managed to find some nitpicky nonsensical error that has nothing at all to do with the point of the discussion. It really is hilarious to me to see how you dopes all trip over each other to congratulate yourselves for being right about some meaningless side issue without ever reaching the central point at all. Because that’s what adults do when discussing important social issues – they do backflips to point out meaningless side issues they can claim to be right about, and completely ignore the actual central point of discussion. But yeah, ‘I’m a goddamn idiot’ for saying that if there’s $1.4 million to spend on doing something meaningful about gun violence, better to take 14,000 illegal guns off the street than to engage in a fart sniffing exercise of using it instead to buy a couple legally owned guns off Sean Penn. Somehow, I missed that the central issue in this was whether Sean Penn had 2 or 65 legally owned guns – of course that was the central point, and crucial to the entire analysis. Spare me your asinine lectures, as far as ‘what adults do’ when discussing issues, since your entire analysis is always (a) spout off whatever the official democrat party line is and (b) call everyone who expresses a different opinion names like a child would do. Maybe you should go back to grade school and learn reading comprehension, since you don’t seem capable of reading anything other than for the purposes of seeking out some stray meaningless factoid that has nothing to do with anything anyway, then fixating on that as if it makes you right about the central point.
        Now tell me how “I was proven wrong” that spending $1.4 million taking Sean Penn’s guns off the streets was a better use of that money than taking 14,000 illegal guns off the street, because I was mistaken that Sean Penn had 2 guns and not 65?
        Fish, you really are just an ill informed, childish asshole.

      • Now that’s good flailing.

      • and still, you neglect to address the point at all – was the number of Sean Penn’s guns being 2 or 65 relevant to the point that if you have $1.4 million to spend to alleviate the problem of gun violence it would have been put to better use funding an inner city gun buyback instead? Do you disagree with my premise that the money could have been put to better use? Your smarmy replies illustrate perfectly your inability to discuss anything rationally.

      • I’m pretty sure the $1.4 million wasn’t “spent taking Sean Penn’s guns off the streets” but was bid in a charity auction raising money for Haitian relief. No one actually spent money to get rid of Penn’s guns, they spent money on what they consider a worthwhile cause—but you consider Haitian relief “pouring money down a rathole” and think the Haitian people should be exterminated (that’s what you wrote up there, right?), so of course you win the argument, schmidtler.

      • schmidtler

        He said, “The highest bidder gets every single one of my guns put in the hands of this iconic artist and sculptor… Koons will decommission [and] render inactive all of my cowardly killing machines.”
        So, according to Sean Penn himself, the money bid was for his guns. The money was paid, the guns were given in exchange. That money could have done more good if it were used to take 14,000 guns off the street.
        I did not in any way say I’d support ‘exterminating’ anyone – I said that for Haitian relief to have any lasting effect in terms of moving their society to one which is sustainable in the long term, reducing their population by way of preventing pregnancies and controlling population growth was a better strategy.
        But I probably misspelled a word or used incorrect punctuation somewhere in that reply, so of course you win the argument.
        Your supreme intellect wins the day, Tom – of course now I know that taking 65 legally owned guns from a millionaire actor is a far better strategy for reducing the plague of gun violence in this country than taking 14,000 illegal guns off the streets of our inner cities, and sending food aid to a country which is grossly overpopulated and which has wallowed in squalor for over a century is a far more rational means of permanently reducing their misery than taking some measures to help them control their population to a level which the environment they live in can actually sustain. Bravo, to you, enlightened one!

      • Your assumption as far as my opinion of Haitian relief was spot on. Unless the entire wad of dough is to be spent on vasectomies and tubal ligations. In that case, it would do a lot of good for their long term viability as a stable society.

        You’re right. How could I possibly have read that as “the Haitian people should be sterilized”? What was I thinking? The guy who complains about not being able to use the N-word in the comments would never be so…genocidal.

  9. Just when you think Penn couldn’t be any dumber, he surprises you.

  10. vinny

    “…get rid of the guns I have in the continental United States but also to destroy them”

    Interesting he doesn’t include any guns outside the lower 48, or the ones his body guards carry.

    Typical limousine-liberal, nothing but doublespeak and hypocrisy.

  11. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    For her, Grigori and I would give up vodka.

    It’d probably kill us, but she’d be worth it.

  12. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    Er, in case you read this site, Ms. Theron, Grigori and I think you’re a goddess.

    Also, we both look better than Sean Penn.

    Call Us? Please?

  13. suz

    I think you’ll find that Charlene’s mother shot and killed her father in a drunken rage a few years ago…. so she’s probably got more weight than anyone else to hold a good argument!

    • You see, this is the problem with gun regulations – by the time the 3 day waiting period is over, you’ve either sobered up, or you’re not enraged anymore – and then what good is the gun?

    • Is it a good argument? Her mother used a gun to defend her daughters life from a man who was likely to kill her. Is that a good argument for “no guns”?

    • Da Troof

      Except that she helped her mother with her cover story to literally get away with murder…

    • Given Penn’s history with women and violence I would also encourage him to get rid of any and all weapons if I started dating him.

  14. His plan :

    Get rid of guns

    Have sex with Charlize for as long as possible until she realises what a jerk you are

    Buy new guns

    • Cock Dr

      Yes! I was just about to post that this is all just proof that Sean wants very badly to fuck Charlize Theron.

  15. Griefer

    Penn has never lied to a woman he’s been involved with, so Theron can trust him about his guns.

  16. Charlize Theron Sean Penn Together Haiti Gala
    tom
    Commented on this photo:

    I guess this is Elsa Pataky

  17. Charlize Theron Sean Penn Together Haiti Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    Help Haiti home? You mean pour yet more money down the bottomless pit and have it yield zero difference event right?

  18. Charlize Theron Sean Penn Together Haiti Gala
    aj
    Commented on this photo:

    Yea cause Haiti is so culturally important to the world.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQEcuKLsLa8

  19. right

    Charlize Theron just went from an 8 to a 6, dating this douche.

  20. D-chi

    Sean Penn is a scumbag. He claimed to be a friend of Hugo Chavez. Doesn’t this tell you a lot about who he is?

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