Charlize Theron Said Some Dumb Shit About Being Too Beautiful

“It’s so awesome never having things we say get picked apart online by assholes just because we’re powerful women, right?!”
“Oh, no this bitch did not.”

Because this is the Internet and we need new and increasingly ridiculous reasons to be outraged every day, here’s some pretty innocuous shit Charlize Theron said in a British GQ interview regarding typecasting that will no doubt cause English Lit and Theater majors everywhere to flock to Twitter and quip furiously about privilege, safe spaces, and how this was a microaggression that made them remember not getting asked to the Homecoming Dance in tenth grade. Via Us Weekly:

Although her good looks have been celebrated in several Dior campaigns, the 40-year-old actress — who worked as a professional model for years before landing roles — explains that being genetically blessed has often backfired on her.”

Oh, how the interwebs will rage for the next tens of hours until Donald Trump advocates female circumcision and surges ahead in Utah. It’s going to be a real hand-wringing fiesta. So for the hell of it, I’ll participate and interpret her quotes in my own fucked up way, because tragically, this is how I earn a living.

“Jobs with real gravitas go to people that are physically right for them and that’s the end of the story,” Theron tells the mag. “How many roles are out there for the gorgeous, f–king, gown-wearing eight-foot model? When meaty roles come through, I’ve been in the room and pretty people get turned away first.”

Translation: I tried to read for Precious and they wouldn’t even return my phone call. My agent said something about Mo’Nique threatening to “eat my white ass like a pork chop.”

“We live in a society where women wilt and men age like fine wine. And, for a long time, women accepted it,” she says. “We were waiting for society to change, but now we’re taking leadership. It would be a lie to say there is less worry for women as they get older than there is for men … It feels there’s this unrealistic standard of what a woman is supposed to look like when she’s over 40.”

Translation: I’ve had Sean Penn and Seth MacFarlane inside me, so clearly my definition of fine wine lines up with that of a homeless alcoholic or Lindsay Lohan. Please apply this example of my comparative skills to every other thing I’ve said in this interview today.

So yeah, nothing she said is remotely controversial or untrue, but here we are, making a big deal out of it, so I made this gallery of Charlize looking amazing at the Oscars because I acknowledge my white male privilege. Hard.

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Photo: Getty