How Did We Miss Charlie Sheen’s 9/11 Movie? Oh… That’s Why

“Another movie about 9/11 starring Charlie Sheen, Whoopi Goldberg, and Louis Guzman? Sure, why the hell not, but let’s make sure we only market it to the conservative markets – I feel like people might find it off-putting to cast so many comedians.” -Someone who will never produce a movie again.

The trailer for this new 9/11 movie… 9/11… is the biggest turd slider I’ve had come across my plate since I ordered Guy Fieri’s Donkey-Drizzled Sliders the last time I was in New York*. It’s the story of five people caught in an elevator while Whoopi Goldberg, who is like an elevator maintenance dispatcher or something, talks to them while horrible shit happens all around them. That’s it.

The production looks like a SyFy movie with LITERALLY three setups throughout the entire thing. There’s the elevator where Charlie Sheen, Louis Guzman, and some really desperate-for-work actors are trapped. Then there’s Whoopi’s call center set that looks like it was modeled after pictures of NASA’s mission control circa 1969. And then the house where Charlie Sheen’s mom or something watches news coverage while explaining to a little kid that his dad might not be making it to dinner. SPOILER ALERT: he doesn’t because he can’t fit through a hole in the elevator ceiling or something – it’s in the trailer. Pepper on some abstract-space footage of Sheen’s wife bumbling around in ash and some archive footage from 9/11 and BOOM! That’s how you make a shitty feature-length movie in 12 days, people.

See for yourself:

Considering the current state of this country’s “patriotism”, this movie’s timing seems like a feeble attempt to “unify” our divided nation by reminding us that there was a time, 16 years ago, that we were all (briefly) pissed off at the same people… unfortunately those people weren’t white supremacist nazis that were organizing and fucking shit up in our own country. That’s happening right now and if we have to use 9/11 as some sort of escapism to how messed up things are right now then I’ll be having an extra tall glass of bleach with my Donkey Sliders for lunch.

*You know I’d never actually eat at Guy Fieri’s restaurant… at least not until I’m ready to call it quits on this whole ‘life’ thing.*