Charlie Sheen Went On Top of a Building With a Machete

March 8th, 2011 // 116 Comments

“And this, my peoples, is what I shall use to cut your childrens throats- Wait. Wrong speech. This, my peoples, is what I will use to cut the whores. There, much better.”

After being fired from Two and a Half Men yesterday, Charlie Sheen decided to go on top of the Live Nation building in Beverly Hills with a machete because he’s a freedom fighter now. Yes, nothing will stop Senor Carlos from fighting for his peoples. And by peoples I mean his paycheck from the last eight episodes Warner Bros. canned because you can’t pay hookers in catchphrases. I’ve tried. People reports:

“Put yourself in my shoes for one warlock nanosecond. At some point there is nothing to say. Only war to wage … The winds are howling tonight. The gods are hungry. The beast is alive. And awake. And deadly.”

You know what I love most about that quote? Charlie Sheen actually said the words, “At some point there is nothing to say,” as if that could ever possibly happen. It’s to the point now where he runs out of milk and goes on an eight hour diatribe about clans of breached whales plotting against his warlock kingdom for control of Tiger Blood Fountain. I’d start calling him Crack Tolkien, but he hasn’t claimed to possess the One Ring yet. You really want to save that bomb for a courtroom.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily, Splash News

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  1. Charlie Sheen Machete
    IKE
    Commented on this photo:

    Unlike the many whores he’s been with, he didn’t swallow.

  2. MLVC

    he should use that thing to slit his throat along with Dr. Drews..Katy Perry..Adam Sandler…Gaga..Eminem..George Lopez…Conan…

  3. Carlos Estevez

    Follow me! Follow me to freedom!

  4. Smiley

    So when do we get to see the first-ever self beheading on live TV???? I’d stay up past my bedtime to catch that action. Seriously Chas… you’re looking more and more like a huge tool everyday, and I’m not referring to the tool you’re clutching with your tiger paws…

  5. I think Charlie saw “Machete” two and a half times too many.

  6. slappy magoo

    No, no Charlie…Machete DON’T text.

    …yes, that includes Twitter…

    …ESPECIALLY if you’ve hired someone to Tweet for you…

  7. snoop

    it’s just a matter of time before the train wrecks !!!

  8. Coco

    Dear Denise Richards, we apologize, you were right.

  9. Gerant

    Call me cat shit on the bottom of your platinum sprinting shoe, but why the fuck has this whole debacle carried on without a single mention of his Nic Cage/John Travolta hair line tiger wig thing beast?

  10. The Critical Crassness

    Missed opportunity for some real publicity and a great new role as Judas. All he had to do is fall on his own machete!

  11. Greg Suarez

    “I hereby proclaim this land, and everything it touches, to be part of the Win-topian Empire, and this to be its capitol, Win City. Now bring me the 37 vaginae while I continue to remind the world that Chuck Lorre is a Jew.”

  12. I swear this is an elaborate set up for “I’m Still Here 2, Tiger Blood Bugaloo”.

  13. Dirk Anger

    Every word that comes out of this dude’s mouth is pure gold. I seriously doubt that there’s any comedian anywhere right now with material as good as the shit he’s spouting on a daily basis. I’m just waiting for Casey Affleck to be caught lurking in the shadows with a video camera following him around.

  14. Charlie Sheen Machete
    Panda Thunder
    Commented on this photo:

    BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL !!!!

  15. slappy magoo

    One douche to rule them all

  16. welldoneson

    “BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL”… [crickets chirp]…

  17. welldoneson

    We need more pics of Denise Richards.

    Way more.

  18. Charlie Sheen Machete
    guy-d
    Commented on this photo:

    Its not even Charlie

  19. Charlie Sheen Machete
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    Gotta admit, he looks like a freedom fighter.
    An 80 year old freedom fighter.

  20. Charlie Sheen Machete
    Johnny Stabone
    Commented on this photo:

    I love how he has his finger over the opening of the bottle so he doesn’t actually drink any. You’re not fooling anyone Carlos!

  21. Charlie Sheen Machete
    H6E6X6
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like Charlie is working his two and a half men in this picture.

  22. Charlie Sheen Machete
    H6E6X6
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s blood alright, just not from a tiger. That’s the bottle he uses on his whores.

  23. Charlie Sheen Machete
    H6E6X6
    Commented on this photo:

    You’d need a machete to cut up your lines if you snorted that much coke too.

  24. Charlie Sheen is the new black.

  25. Mike

    Does the black guy know he’s about to become a human sacrifice?

  26. Charlie Sheen Machete
    rick
    Commented on this photo:

    His thumb is over the top on bottle. he isn’t even drinkig. Media is eating it up.

  27. I don’t believe one iota of this whole ordeal is ‘real’. It’s too scripted, too cliché. This is Charlie Sheen playing ‘crazy’ for attention and PR and it’s starting to bore the piss out of me.

  28. one legged

    there are good drugs like coke, weed, oxy, e, lsd and dmt

    but charlie seems to mix crack and meth.. =(

  29. J.

    Somebody needs to tell that brother to duck.

  30. James

    Rise up my brothers against the western imperialist… what’s that? we’re in L.A.?

  31. Charlie Sheen Machete
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    I have this fear that in a coke-fueled walking hallucination, he’s going to mistake that machete for his penis. That doesn’t bode well for Bree Olson’s ass.

  32. Miss Shannon

    Wow…he is the best.

  33. Charlie Sheen Machete
    Amominous
    Commented on this photo:

    He does realize that a “warlock” has almost nothing to do with war, right? Unless you’re talking about Merlin and, well, no one mentions Merlin. Cuz that’s just crazy talk.

  34. Charlie Sheen Machete
    Commented on this photo:

    Don’t think he’s crazy? He beheaded that black dude.

  35. Charlie Sheen Machete
    Ollie
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like he’s aged about 20 years in the last year or two.

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