Charlie Sheen Wants a ‘Porn Family’

By: The Superficial / January 28, 2011

The turkey’s his penis.

Some people might say Charlie Sheen is a violent drug addict who treats woman as objects to be bought and discarded like so many briefcases of cocaine. But beneath all that lies a family man with hopes and dreams of settling down and finding a place to call home with those he loves the most. A place like Vanna White’s ex-husband’s estate which would make a fine summer home to put down roots in provided put down roots means bang porn stars he keeps locked in a bedroom. I’ve never been good at idioms. TMZ reports:

During the [36 hour] boozefest, Charlie agreed to rent out George’s giant estate for four months — at the rate of $250k per month — while George goes away on an upcoming trip to Thailand.
And why does Sheen need an extra mansion? Charlie explained that he wants to start a “porn family” — and he wants the “actresses” to all live in the same house. One big, smutty family.
The next morning, Sheen’s people found out about the deal and were “furious” — and immediately put a stop to the plans.

You know who has to feel awesome right now? The executive at Warner Bros. who agreed to pay Charlie $1.8 million per episode of Two and a Half Men thinking he’d just invest it in mutual funds or something.

EXEC #1: So we gave Charlie Sheen more money than Jesus. What could go wrong?
EXEC #2: He bought a mansion for the sole purpose of filling it with hookers.
EXEC #1: Well, he’s off the drugs, isn’t he?
EXEC #2: *points out window* See that tanker coming into port? Entirely full of cocaine, just for him. And, oh, wait, he’s choppering on to it already… Getting out of the chopper… Jackhammering through the hull… And we have coke snorting! Like watching an anteater, isn’t it? A thin, whore-loving anteater. That’ll shoot you in the leg.
EXEC #1: My God, what have I done?
EXEC #2: Hold that thought. The Pentagon’s on Line 1 asking why Colombia can afford nukes now. You, uh.. you should probably leave the country.

Photo: Norman Rockwell. As he originally intended it.