Charlie Sheen Wants a ‘Porn Family’

January 28th, 2011 // 61 Comments
Charlie Sheen Norman Rockwell Porn Family

The turkey’s his penis.

Some people might say Charlie Sheen is a violent drug addict who treats woman as objects to be bought and discarded like so many briefcases of cocaine. But beneath all that lies a family man with hopes and dreams of settling down and finding a place to call home with those he loves the most. A place like Vanna White’s ex-husband’s estate which would make a fine summer home to put down roots in provided put down roots means bang porn stars he keeps locked in a bedroom. I’ve never been good at idioms. TMZ reports:

During the [36 hour] boozefest, Charlie agreed to rent out George’s giant estate for four months — at the rate of $250k per month — while George goes away on an upcoming trip to Thailand.
And why does Sheen need an extra mansion? Charlie explained that he wants to start a “porn family” — and he wants the “actresses” to all live in the same house. One big, smutty family.
The next morning, Sheen’s people found out about the deal and were “furious” — and immediately put a stop to the plans.

You know who has to feel awesome right now? The executive at Warner Bros. who agreed to pay Charlie $1.8 million per episode of Two and a Half Men thinking he’d just invest it in mutual funds or something.

EXEC #1: So we gave Charlie Sheen more money than Jesus. What could go wrong?
EXEC #2: He bought a mansion for the sole purpose of filling it with hookers.
EXEC #1: Well, he’s off the drugs, isn’t he?
EXEC #2: *points out window* See that tanker coming into port? Entirely full of cocaine, just for him. And, oh, wait, he’s choppering on to it already… Getting out of the chopper… Jackhammering through the hull… And we have coke snorting! Like watching an anteater, isn’t it? A thin, whore-loving anteater. That’ll shoot you in the leg.
EXEC #1: My God, what have I done?
EXEC #2: Hold that thought. The Pentagon’s on Line 1 asking why Colombia can afford nukes now. You, uh.. you should probably leave the country.

Photo: Norman Rockwell. As he originally intended it.

superficial

  1. Cock Dr

    Hell yeah. Make that new photo editor work for their pizza & beer.

    • Eh, it would be good, it just needs little work. The hair was cut out better than I’ve seen in other places though.

      White balance the folks to fit the bg and maybe add a photoshop effect to reflect the style of the painting and you would have a winner. =)

    • Cock Dr

      Reports are that Charlie is now in rehab. His corporate masters must have staged an intervention.

  2. herbiefrog

    eminem… “just the two of us… just the two of us…”

    hey guys : )))

    bunch of misery guts ( :::
    sghhhh…

  3. bananz

    That script/dialogue was awesome.

  4. So his “people” thought it would be damaging to his career for him to behave in EXACTLY the same manner as the character he plays on TV, who is so popular as to be worth paying him nearly $2 million an episode to play.

    He needs new people. I volunteer.

    • Cock Dr

      McFeely, do you watch the show? I hope not.
      If so I could prescribe you something.
      Don’t go near Charlie. At this point he is probably harboring new & tremendously drug -resistant strains of STDs.

  5. Cardinal Fang

    What guy doesn’t want a bunch of girls who have sex with other men for a living?

  6. Colin

    A house of whores? He knows Hef thought of that one already, right?

    • lightdragon

      one difference. when Hef pays them. He gets some profits out of it besides some of them sucking him off. As these girls get featured in his rags and movies. Charlie sees no profit. just blow and blow jobs.

      • seth rogen's vagina

        actually, Hef is dumbass enough to marry one of them now & then, and at 80+ years old, I don’t think anyone believes Hef has been able to get it up since Jimmy Carter was president. Hef is like the gay dude that pretty girls hang around because they know he’s harmless.

  7. Anonymouslyawesome

    Judging from the photo it looks like the only part of Charlie Sheen affected by his lifestyle is his hand…

  8. GravyLeg

    And off to rehab goes the king… long live the king.

  9. Simply Raw

    His whore house would make a great reality show, like Sister Wives’ stupid Mormons, but with porn stars that make the big bucks. There really is no difference, except the women in Charlies’ show like to be filmed and discuss their sex lives.

    Didn’t those Mormon whores all move into three house in Las Vegas, sounds like the same plot to me.

  10. juggnuttz

    Charlie is my fucking hero…… minus the coke tho… i stick to the alcohol, but the rest…. a national treasure!

  11. Charlie Sheen Norman Rockwell Porn Family
    HBastard
    Commented on this photo:

    Who is that hotty brunette in the mid on the right? :O :D

  12. Lola

    LOL i love the picture

  13. joho777

    Charlie doesn’t want a family. He just wants his own private whore house.

  14. testington

    do he and Lindsay Lohan know each other yet? cause I can’t help but feel it would be awesome if they got married, she needs money and he’s got it, he loves whores and she is one and they could just coke it up all day. Plus he clearly knows how to not get in trouble for doing this shit, like paying a driver so you don’t get 10 DUI’s she could learn a lot and suck a lot.

  15. guy rossi

    Sadly he’s not a cokehead, he’s a CRACKHEAD. one of his whores described crack which come in rocks not powder. Crack is cheap. Didn’t he listen to Whitney Houston?

    Why does all his sluts look like 15 year old girls?

  16. Turd Ferguson

    I love the magic of one skanky porn teenager ripping on other skanky porn teenagers for sleeping with Charlie.

  17. Charlie, give it up man. You started too late in life to try and bang as many sluts, porn stars and hookers as Ron Jeremy. But hey, good on you for giving it the old college try!

  18. Nate

    Actually. Thats not a bad idea. 6 Amateur wouldbe pornstars living together. Now theres a reality show I’d watch.

  19. LJ

    So you set up these girls in a house rent free.
    You put cameras at all angles in all the rooms.
    You film 24/7 with live feeds to the Internet.
    You give them a hot car at the end of the year.
    You sell subscriptions at $25 per month.
    You don’t need a sitcom anymore.

    The guys at Candid Hosting did that in St.Pete with Voyuerdorm.

  20. Facebook Me

    At the rate he goes through wives, procreating, coke & porn stars, it will be a wonder if he’ll have any money left..

    Charlie’s next gig, doing infomericals with the dude that had that 1 hit wonder, “Can’t Touch This.”

  21. Jon H

    The amazing thing?

    That Sheen didn’t hear the word “Thailand” and book *himself* a flight.

    • Burt

      There’s more to Thailand than hookers, but that’s besides the point. You get the death sentence for smuggling drugs in Thailand. I don’t imagine he travels anywhere without his stash since he’s an addict. Besides, the guy makes more money than he can spend, even if he pays ridiculous amounts of money for the company of so-so looking women just because they are porn actresses.

  22. Alex

    Hahaha the picture is awesome

  23. Nik

    this guy is my hero

  24. I hope this Porn Star house comes with a live-in plastic surgeon.

  25. beewagon

    ids on the girls in the photos!? please?!

  26. beewagon

    especially far right!

    • Far right is Melaine Rios next to Turkey….and the cute but nasty (will do any sexual act) blondie with nice smile is Bree Olson. Close proximity to the others will give you HIV ASAP.

  27. wim

    well, you can never start to early with porn.
    ALTHOUGH PAEDOPHILES ARE A “DIFFERENT” STORY.

  28. Uh...

    This guy is unbelievable. He’s the arrogant asshole personified; no wonder people have bad opinions of everyone in the movie/tv industries.

  29. FUCK OFF, SPAMMER

    Please eat a full bag of shit & die, spammer…

  30. mamamiasweetpeaches

    Is it just me or does the blonde with the big nose make THE funniest “fuck faces”? Is that supposed to be sexy?!

    Im saving a vacation day so i can fly to Charlie Sheens inevitable funeral. i cant wait to see whos hows up there and what theyll be wearing! Its gonna look like one of those Porn Award Shows (What are they called anyway? The Slammys?!)

  31. bimbamboing

    The good news is that included the turkey two of them don’t fake orgasms.

  32. Tim

    His people put a stop to it? That’s ridiculous! They should have pitched it as the world’s greatest reality show!

  33. Rhialto

    I’m not that overly fond of turkey. Although i wouldn’t know how to prepare it. Goulash and noodles is better suitable for this cold weather.

  34. Master Spook

    Pssssst! We’ve seen it and we know it all now ofcourse!

  35. Nero

    I guess he’s gonna give the good girl a Bentley?!

  36. Diana

    Good to know that it’s mainly skanky blondes who’ll actually sleep with this guy.

  37. He’s bypassed every other adjective and landed on lame.

    I wouldn’t touch him with a biohazard suit on.

  38. dude

    who is the girl on the middle right?

  39. Brettmucker

    He is just living the dream of every man. Get Money for being yourself on a TV show… come home and continue with it! Having one Pornstar after the other.
    Having more money than jesus. The only odd thing is the drugs, you should be sober if you fuck that much!

  40. cc

    Who is the brunette on the right, midway up? She’s cute.

  41. Gary B

    Start a Porn Family, Me and Charlie Sheen have the same goals in life.

    Livin’ the Dream

  42. The Herdsman

    Lets be honest: What guy wouldn’t want this?

Leave A Comment