Charlie Sheen Writes Open Letter About ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Surprise, It’s Crazy.

April 29th, 2011 // 53 Comments

“Mm.. eh.. licking your lips is winning.”

With reports coming in that Two and a Half Men is most likely going to be canceled completely, Charlie Sheen felt this would be a great time to send an open letter to Chuck Lorre via TMZ gloating that’s his absence caused the show’s demise:

MY fans may tune in for a minute, but at the end of the day, no one cares about your feeble show without me. Shame on you. Not even a phone call to the man that put you on the map. The man that put 500 million dollars in your pockets. You were on your way out of Warner Bros. with a buy out and a cup of cold coffee in your shaky and clammy hands. And then I walked into your office. And you created a show BASED ON MY AWESOME LIFE. I busted my ass for 8 years to support your vision. Your dream. In turn, it is my nightmare. You sad silly fool. A-hole pussy loser. Put on the gloves you low rent, nut-less sociopath; I’ll beat your chicken shit soul in a court room into a state of gratitude. A state of surrender. Something you left at the door every time you blundered into the pathetic AA loser lounge. Newsflash; they are planning on voting you off the AA island. Even those clowns have no room for you anymore. Wow, I’m sure your children are SO PROUD of you. You can teach’em how to be a stupid bitch.

After that it goes on for another paragraph about how awesome Charlie Sheen thinks Charlie Sheen is before ending with “Reap the whirl-wind you cockroach, reap it.” Which of course might sound awesome if it wasn’t coming from a national punchline who just gave up $1.8 million an episode to run out of money paying hookers for sex and being booed almost every single night because cocaine told him stand-up comedy was easy. Not to mention, Chuck Lorre is still making TV shows while Charlie Sheen’s latest accomplishment is somehow creating an environment where even a porn star who won an award for the most dicks in her butt wouldn’t stick around for money. Which, admittedly, is kind of impressive. That’s their food.

Photos: Splash News

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  1. Geez, he always looks mean and angry.

    • DogBoy

      That’s the look of someone who thought he’d get invited back to his cash cow show, but instead realized that the man he has insulted for months… is the one who is actually winning.

  2. Charlie Sheen
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    The Crackhead Zombies are coming to your town.
    Unless the bus takes a wrong exit ramp off the interstate.

  3. S'up Bitches!

    I wonder how much a suitcase of cocaine costs?

  4. Ze German

    I’d love to read the transcript of a call between this guy and Mel Gibson.

  5. Ed

    What’s left to say at this point?

  6. We are all but masturbators in the glorious sheen of Charlie’s awesomeness.

  7. BN

    Am I the only one who finds it funny that he closes the letter with a line from one of his 1980s movies? One that his character was killed off in 20 mins? And the line itself was actually said by his brother???

    • shankyouverymuch

      When I first laid eyes on this story I recognized Zito right away… I love it that he has Chuck Zito on his payroll – I think that’s the smartest thing Sheen’s done in a while. I’ve heard some intense stories about the fierce punishments Zito has handed out to those who would practice douchbaggery… ask king doucher A.J. Benza- ha!

  8. You know Ferris?

    I think the real loser here is Andrew Dice Clay working security now.

  9. Deacon Jones

    I dont know what’s worse.

    The amount he’s aged over the last 3 months, or Captain Toolio behind him.

    Nice dye job, gramps.

  10. Man, the calibre of writing required for an open letter sure has tanked. I thought they usually represented serious thought and carefully measured words, not the ravings of a 7-year old with ADD on a web forum. I’m surprised he didn’t suggest that his dad could beat up Chuck Lorre’s dad.

  11. Jo

    You’re livin’ in the past Charlie LOL @quoting Young Guns. The 1980′s called to tell you to put down the crackpipe already. Charlie’s lashing out because he’s down to one ‘goddess’ (i use the term loosly cause she brings the fug) and with only a few shows left, he’s got no job to go to. Get used to the sound of crickets, buddy.

  12. Bob

    The man is a total muppet. Despite everything that was said they would have taken him back, they were letting him sweat till the end of May, all he had to do was swallow his pride. Pretty sure he’s blown it with that letter now and they most likely will recast the show just to spite him.

  13. An Open Letter

    Dear Charlie Sheen,

    Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

    Sincerely,
    The World

  14. Dude, stop digging.

  15. MR.T

    I would be pretty much willing to lay a huge bet with anyone on this board that in 10 years Charlie Sheen is either dead or broke (ala files bankruptcy)……

    • Jo

      10 years? nah he’ll be worm food waaay sooner than that. Let’s put this way: don’t go xmas shopping for him ok? ; )

  16. Charlie Sheen
    Amir
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that Chuck Zito (bodyguard) with Sheen?

  17. westwardho

    he’s always talking about how he made THEM rich: didn’t he get paid for doing the show? WAY TOO MUCH MONEY?

  18. Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    He is 2 years older than me and looks like he could be my dad.

  19. Comedy Wizard

    Does Charlie Sheen snort a lot of coke?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QO3hLEE4m4o

  20. LJ

    Mr. Sheen was making $1.8 million per episode for doing a West Coast impression of Walter Mathau in the “Odd Couple” for eight years, and he thinks he’s an original?

  21. Jim Jones

    Really? I didn’t realize he was at all relevant anymore.

  22. zomgbie

    “Wow, I’m sure your children are SO PROUD of you.”
    charlie sheen criticizing other peoples parenting skillz = #LMAO.
    going from 2 mil an episode to selling t-shirts = #loser.

  23. cari

    it must be tortuous to walk around so bitter and angry 24/7. too bad for him we don’t give a shit.

  24. anonym

    charlie sheen…… what a lowlife; entitled little whiny bitch

  25. anonym

    Chuck Lorre is also the talented one here. He’s had so many successful tv shows under his belt. He comes up with the ideas.

    sheen aint sheeit.

  26. Charlie Sheen
    Kelly
    Commented on this photo:

    I hope Charlie Sheen reads this. That was one of the funniest, more astute pieces I’ve read about him. :P

  27. I think he’s ready to play a homeless, drug-addicted veteran in Platoon II. Seriously.

  28. charlie didn't realize that he was actually the half man

    no one cares about that non-funny feeble show with him. his carreer came to a dead end long before that show started. platoon and wall street were 25 years ago. he’s never been in a block buster or an academy award winning movie since the 80′s. he’s never been funny in a movie ever. why does he keep thinking he’s so fuckin funny. charlie sheen is nothing but a has been. he will never be on a successful tv show ever again. he got lucky with 2 1/2 men. money talks was funny only because of chris tucker. so that and the arrival are the only two movies i’ve even liked with this guy in the last 20 years.

  29. Fred Cloot

    Is he supposed to look like he’s just got back from his 95th birthday party?

  30. nay

    At this point Charlie could be sued for dafamation. He was fired for the bad publicity he caused himself and the show and he continues. There’s no way a court would allow him to win anything and if anything they would suggest he get help. This guy is insane and he doesn’t see it, yet people continue to see the circus, including me, but not out of like or rspect, but out of shock and how far some. Even if he was hired back the majority of people have had enough of this clown. What a shame he doesn’t see it and what a shame some people lead him on to be the circus he is now.

  31. DeeMacD

    He’ll be physically dead soon but, somehow, his ego will dig it’s way out.

  32. ohmy

    I didn’t realize he wrote the show scripts. What else does he want credit for? Who is he to talk about anyone else’s parenting when, well you all know…I would never see thi guy, not even for free, and funny thing is I did watch the show at times, but not because of him, but all the people on the show.
    He read from a script and even a drunk could. Wait, he did at times holding on to the kitchen sink while demanding millions to buy gold teeth and cases of 8th balls. Only a stupid and weak man would do such a thing and he calls this winning. Oh my lord…

  33. Veronica

    Wait a sec… His career was going nowhere. He should be thanking Chuck Lorre. He is hardly a loser. Didn’t he create Roseanne or something?

    Stealing the ‘Reap the whirlwind’ line from Young Guns just reminds me of how much more appealing Emilio is.

  34. GG1000

    Obviously he’s got a whole other idea of the definition of “busting @ss” than the rest of the world, because most of us don’t think being paid $1.8 million to show up at a soundstage for a week or two and say some stuff that someone else writes for you qualifies.

  35. the captain

    ……….”Crazy Pianos” are too, folks!!

  36. vitobonespur

    Hey Charlie…If you’d paid any attention (or maybe showed up sober) to either of the AA meetings you attended you would know that AA’s don’t vote anyone out of anything. However, having been a sober member for almost 20 years I can say with some confidence AA might make you the first exception.

    We want new members because helping them GET sober is what helps us STAY sober. Maybe if you had taken the cotton out of your ears and stuffed it in your mouth, you might have realized that and heard something that would have helped you.

    Repeat after me…”God, grant me the serenity…” Ahh, FUCK YOU. Nevermind…

  37. Charlie Sheen
    Eggs = Scrambled male chicks
    Commented on this photo:

    Pretty ungrateful!!!

  38. DogBoy

    never found the show even remotely funny. wish he would just die already, and write the final chapter of his douche biography.

  39. whateveoryho

    Interesting use of the word sociopath there. I guess to emphasize the description, he decided to portrayed a sociopath along with using the word so that we get a better image of what the person who he is talking about is like.

    Charlie Sheen. Linguistic genius.

    Seriously though, I only ever watched the show because nothing better was on. It was kind of funny, but not some God-given miracle. Charlie’s character was slightly annoying. Overall, the whole show was overrated and only was that successful because of hype and drama in Charlie’s personal life. His, “fans?” They don’t give a shit. In a year no one will give a damn about any of this, as the next scandal comes. Meanwhile, Charlie is making himself completely unhireable to any producer ever.

    You go Charlie. You sure are WINNING. Be thankful that this producer gave you a shot for those 8 years so at least you have enough money to ride it out.

  40. Jake

    I watched the show exactly once; it appears to have been yet another committee-written 23 minutes of empty drivel and repetitive one-liners that passes for comedy on American network television, but whose main purpose was merely to act as an expensive framework for commercial ads.

    If the premise was indeed based on Sheen’s own “awesome life,” then he’s always been pathetic, not just since becoming a drug-addled octogenarian.

  41. lkflfklkfffff

    No, you aren’t winning if you’re only 45 years old and look this big of a bag of shit.

  42. Charlie Sheen
    Enzi
    Commented on this photo:

    Chaaaange? You got some chaaaange?

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