Charlie Sheen Pretends to Need Rehab, Calls Us All ‘Turds’

“Addiction? Is that even a word?”

For those of you who haven’t heard by now, Charlie Sheen managed to check himself into rehab sometime between me publishing the “Porn Family” post and transitioning to Miller Time which is incredible considering that’s only a 30-second window. – Quick aside: Why create a “Vortex Bottle” if one sip’s not going to instantly teleport me to a parallel universe of shitfacery? It just seems superfluous. – Now, if you think this latest stint is anything but a calculated effort to shut Martin Sheen up while making Warner Bros., who’s officially put Two and Half Men on hiatus, not look like they’re funding the world’s largest coke addict, congratulations, you’re on your way to an exciting career falling for pyramid schemes. Here’s the text Charlie sent RadarOnline as he was entering rehab, and you can almost chop the sincerity into fine lines and inhale it directly into your face:

“I’m fine,” Sheen told RadarOnline’s Senior Executive Editor Dylan Howard via text message on Friday afternoon around the same time it was announced he was checking into rehab.
“People don’t seem to get it…. Guy can’t have a great time and do his job also?”
The Two and a Half Men star finished the text with a characterization of his detractors: “Bunch of turds.”

In a way, Charlie Sheen asks a valid question: What’s it to us? Because, in all seriousness, it’s between him and Denise Richards to decide how much he’s going to psychologically damage his kids. Which will be a lot. And it’s between him and the police to decide whether he’s going to jail for buying large quantities of narcotics while soliciting hookers. Which he won’t. And it’s between him and Warner Bros. to figure out how much money they want to keep making by continuing to cast him. Which will be an assload. So is his drug use really hurting us? Because outside of potentially taking out half the porn industry should his Hooker House catch fire, we really don’t have a dog in this race. Now, does that make us turds? I don’t think so. More like shitheads who want to voyeuristically watch a man die in a hale of coke and pussy before he kills an innocent woman. Has a better ring to it.

Photo: Splash News