Charlie Sheen Pretends to Need Rehab, Calls Us All ‘Turds’

January 28th, 2011 // 81 Comments
Charlie Sheen

“Addiction? Is that even a word?”

For those of you who haven’t heard by now, Charlie Sheen managed to check himself into rehab sometime between me publishing the “Porn Family” post and transitioning to Miller Time which is incredible considering that’s only a 30-second window. – Quick aside: Why create a “Vortex Bottle” if one sip’s not going to instantly teleport me to a parallel universe of shitfacery? It just seems superfluous. – Now, if you think this latest stint is anything but a calculated effort to shut Martin Sheen up while making Warner Bros., who’s officially put Two and Half Men on hiatus, not look like they’re funding the world’s largest coke addict, congratulations, you’re on your way to an exciting career falling for pyramid schemes. Here’s the text Charlie sent RadarOnline as he was entering rehab, and you can almost chop the sincerity into fine lines and inhale it directly into your face:

“I’m fine,” Sheen told RadarOnline’s Senior Executive Editor Dylan Howard via text message on Friday afternoon around the same time it was announced he was checking into rehab.
“People don’t seem to get it…. Guy can’t have a great time and do his job also?”
The Two and a Half Men star finished the text with a characterization of his detractors: “Bunch of turds.”

In a way, Charlie Sheen asks a valid question: What’s it to us? Because, in all seriousness, it’s between him and Denise Richards to decide how much he’s going to psychologically damage his kids. Which will be a lot. And it’s between him and the police to decide whether he’s going to jail for buying large quantities of narcotics while soliciting hookers. Which he won’t. And it’s between him and Warner Bros. to figure out how much money they want to keep making by continuing to cast him. Which will be an assload. So is his drug use really hurting us? Because outside of potentially taking out half the porn industry should his Hooker House catch fire, we really don’t have a dog in this race. Now, does that make us turds? I don’t think so. More like shitheads who want to voyeuristically watch a man die in a hale of coke and pussy before he kills an innocent woman. Has a better ring to it.

Photo: Splash News


  1. YOU’RE a turd!

  2. I’m very sorry for that outburst Mr. Sheen. I think we need to spend some time together so I can make it up to you. Can I come stay at Clam Manor with you for a few weeks? I’ll bring the straws.

  3. Gavin S.

    If the dumbfuck would learn the meaning of discretion maybe he wouldn’t be getting sweated into going to rehab every other week.

    • discretion is for people who aren’t Charlie Sheen.

    • Can’t have discretion when you have the Pap’s outside your door 24/7. It’s called celebrity, he has no privacy. Besides, if the skanks INSIDE his house would shut up he might have a bit more discretion about his private life.

      • meh

        can’t be discrete when you are FUBAR out of control like Sheen. He gets caught because there are always police and ambulances involved. Is that really such a great time?

  4. sarah

    hmp…Mr Sheen, try to wear the glove pocket jeans…

  5. Facebook Me

    I’m amazed on how long the show has gone on for..its ran it course & I think Charlie knows it. The end is near for this show & for this “turd.”

    But we have to remember its the coke talkin’

  6. The coke says you should shut the hell up.
    (See Charlie, I got your back. Call me…)

  7. Bucky Barnes

    I’m surprised coke dealers will sell to Charlie. I’m certain he’s a good customer but he attracts WAY too much negative attention. Not good when you’re in a profession that requires flying under the radar.

    • Cock Dr

      Because of Charlie’s huge bulk purchases a dealer can take a nice vacation & lay low for months afterward.
      Charlie is also probably arranging all this through 3rd parties…perhaps even his stable of hookers. Once one of them is busted the singing will begin, but it may be a while.
      He is surrounded by lowlifes counting on his $ & coke & they like that party just fine as it is.
      Charlie will be back out next week. Stand back; cameras ready, because he’ll have some catching up to do.

  8. me

    I’m praying for Charlie tonight. Dude needs all the help he can get.

  9. Facebook Me

    I totally see it coming, Charlie will dime-out the coke dealers, just like he dimed-out Heidi Fleiss.

    What a turd he is.

    • Bucky Barnes

      He won’t burn those bridges unless he quits using. As much chance of that happening as there is of him giving up whores… zero. He likes to party with women who wouldn’t give him the time of day if he wasn’t rich. As long as he doesn’t drive while he’s fucked up I say let him.

  10. That Guy

    Charlie Sheen: “Can’t Get Enough Of That Poo-Tang. “

  11. LJ

    So long as he doesn’t believe he needs rehab, nothing’s gonna take.

    He just doesn’t think he has a problem. He supports his ex-wives and kids.
    He has a good paying job making between $1.25 million per episode (according to TV Guide) for 22 episodes per season.

    So, in his mind, if he blow’s $50,000 on coke and whores over a weekend, what’s the big deal?

    Seems like he’s gonna have to either kill or seriously maim someone in a coke inspired rage, or get busted for a serious amount of drugs so that’s he’s facing real jail time before the light goes on.

    Or he’s just gonna die and his kids and ex-wives will get what money he has left.

  12. Compared to Charlie Fucking Sheen, the rest of humanity breaks down into hookers, strippers, and turds.

    I’m not even offended, that’s just how it is to be Charlie Fucking Sheen.

  13. typo

    You realise the psychological damage to his kids probably wouldn’t be half as bad if there weren’t a thousand sites on the internet all posting about it? You moral crusader you.

    • my god, are you really that stupid?

      Right, let’s all look the other way because WE’RE the ones fucking up his kids, who apparently read every celeb gossip site on the web because they’re omniscient or something.

    • psychological damage? never having to get a job in your entire is horrible! if all i have to do is have an old man that does coke all day for that life, sign me up. go fuck yourself!

    • The kids? He’s not snorting cocaine and fucking hookers in FRONT of them for crissakes. Psychological damage. Yes, our little ones are so frail they must be protected from LIFE. How many kids grew up in a household where one or both of the parents were alcoholics but ended up turning out FINE? A whole hell of a lot of them.

  14. Bucky Barnes

    I don’t care so much about Charlie’s excesses but I do think he should probably get the electric chair for wearing that fucking hat.

  15. Frobz

    And no one in his entourage has the sense to smack that STUPID hat off his head?

    Hey Chuckles, you aren’t Hunter S. Thompson.

  16. Aussie Mama

    Really stoopid.
    He’s single and not hurting anyone.
    Everything is waaaay over sensationalised, he’e been the same forever, fucking leave it alone.
    Why is this even news?
    I rememeber when Denise was with Sambora on some beach trip somewhere and she was spotted, pic’s n all, snorting coke through some fancy thing on the beach.
    Now she’s saying go to rehab?
    You gotta be fucking kidding me.
    He’s never been with saints, her, brooke, donna peele, they’re all the same type of dirty gal he’s always been with, ginger allen.
    Sheen is Sheen, Fucking leave him be.
    Really how on earth do you think the WHOLE enetrtainment industry stays a fucking size zero?
    Coke n ciggies man.
    Why is he in the media?
    Every model, designer, artist, actor, singer does no different.

  17. Carl

    Damage control rehab. Db low life will go sleep it off for a few weeks then come back and do that no acting cr@p feast show where he plays himself then get all the pr people on the Internet to lie about how good he is.
    Bet CBS ratings are dropping and finally is getting bashed for letting this go on so long.

  18. wim

    “Turds” are americans second name from now on.
    ……..thanks anyway.

  19. dead peter

    America pays Charlie Sheen $1.8 million a week to be it’s creepy uncle, but if he went broke tomorrow, he’d still scrounge up enough cash to show up to Thanksgiving dinner looking pasty, grinding his teeth, and sweating into the gravy boat with some random chick named Candy who calls him Daddy and is covered in bruises. Charlie Sheen doesn’t need rehab. If he wants to get off coke, he should try meth.

  20. Charlie Sheen
    Commented on this photo:

    You have to wonder exactly … when did “Two And A Half Men ” stop being a sitcom and became a reality show?

  21. he should try meth.

  22. babooda

    Hmm, I rate Charlie Sheen’s chances of a successful completion of rehab somewhere between Lilo and a back alley coke-whore’s. In fact that might be setting the bar a bit high.
    Sheen, in fact, is believed by some to be the architect of the “Lohan Rehab Shuffle”, where you show your remorse and intent to change by entering rehab before the charges can be brought against your sorry ass. Lindsay just got the details a little mixed up and thought you used it after the judge sentenced you to jail. Either way it seemed to work out just fine for her, no jail time, plush stay at Betty Ford with offsite privileges and a “get out of jail free” card for any altercations with the staff.
    The blueprint has been produced, now all any celebrity needs to do is follow it.

  23. Anon

    Can you block this guy?

  24. Jules

    If he could do mountains of hookers and blow in a vacuum, that would be fine with me. Instead, he’s damaging all 4 of his kids, which I’m sure he refuses to recognize. CBS enables him by putting the profits they make off him way ahead of any real concern for him. I doubt he’s truly invested in rehab at all. It’s a waste of time and he’s taking up a bed that someone who really wants to get better could have.

  25. Rough City, U.S.A.

    How does one, goes about inducting another into knighthood? Does the British Monarch take formal request?

  26. rob

    If he dies, how is he going to kill an innocent woman afterwards? That must be some awesome coke.

  27. mamamiasweetpeaches

    Wow. Suddenly I feel so small. King Turd jsut called me a “turd”. Im spending my weekend baking brownies and taking the kids sledding. Hows HE spending it?

    I weep for his children. I really do.

  28. Jack Slade

    Charlie is your typical low moral, libreal person with no common sense whatever.

  29. WhatTheFuckWhoCares

    He’s got a point. You people judging him are a bunch of fucking scolds.

  30. Unrelated: where did his lips go? Has he chewed them up in a cokefuelled case of the munchies? (obviously have only done pot myself, no idea if you get hungry from doing coke). But srsly, he used to at least have a bottom lip.

  31. Tim

    I always thought Hugh Hefner’s life style was the best. now i find its charlie sheen!!!

  32. Dalia

    I for one am glad sheen is standing up for the rights of men to do good. Coke and fuc$ skanky pornstars in extreme excess. It’s the American way !

  33. Ally

    Hmm remember when everyone was accusing Denise Richards of lying when she accused him of domestic violence and said she suspected he molested their two daughters? Hmm all sounds a little bit more convincing now doesn’t it!

    • Burt

      So, why is/was she still trying to maintain a relationship with him and between him and their daughters? I think she’s got issues with self-esteem, which is just too bad because she seems like a sweet person.

  34. piperfromweho

    I live in Hollywood and my husband makes his living here as a keygrip. Let me tell ya, when these actors go on extended leave, the only paycheck our household gets is from the unemployment agency. The crew does not get paid for any of the time his is gone, all get layedoffed. I really don’t care what he does in his freetime, as long as he gets to work on time, which he was doing by the way. Over 150 plus hardworking crew members will be feeling the pinch in the weeks to come.

    • Cock Dr

      This guy has a violent history of behavior. It’s only a matter of time before he kills one of these stupid skanks orbiting around his gravitas of coke & cash.
      While they are *just* dumb hookers & an argument could be made for editing the gene pool, none of them really deserve to be shot, strangled, bludgeoned, or locked in a room with Charlie & hours of “Two & a Half Men” reruns.
      His employers are desperately trying to cover their asses so when it all goes down they can say “We exhausted every option attempting to help Mr. Sheen overcome his personal issues”.
      I feel very bad for the crew on his show. Dammit. Perhaps some of Charlie’s not inconsiderable network salary should be diverted on their behalf.

    • Burt

      Thanks for sharing a side of the story we rarely hear about. It reminds me of something I heard Dolly Parton say in an interview many years ago, something along the lines that she rarely takes a day off because so many people depend on her for their own paycheck. She gets it, Charlie Sheen clearly doesn’t.

  35. Salvia

    We know why Denise does is quiet about Charlie’s lifestyle and she is cool as long as the CBS cash cow supports it. Hey to each thier own!

  36. Hellisforsissies

    There is nothing wrong with Charlie…He is just staying in character as Artie Mitchell from Charlie and Emilio’s movie, “Rated X”. Either that or Charlie is absolute proof of possession by a spirit….either way, cut him some slack, he’s doing his job and having fun!

    ONE-Two and a half men, a sitcom about a guy who has sex with a beautiful lady each episode but there’s no nudity,sex nor swearing allowed in the show. The show uses sexual innuendo jokes and toilet humour to try and make it funny using the same jokes over and over.The character of the brother is a complete loser with no self -confidence and his a son also lives with him and Charlie Sheen. The child actor will probably be still leaving in the house when he even reaches 21 for continuity purposes if the show isn’t cancelled.

    TWO-Or watch a reality show where the person not the actor, Charlie Sheen rents a Huge Mansion with cameras everywhere every month, so that he can accommodate 4 porn stars and a Tattooed Nazi Loving whore? Each week Charlie would get completely sh_t faced each week due to excessive amounts of alcohol and mountains of Crack cocaine trying to stay up for 36 hours straight. There would be no sex involved with Charlie Sheen as everyone knows alcohol and Crack actually restrict blood going to a male’s penis. So we would watch Charlie and his cohorts watch copious amount of pornography with commentary by the porn stars about the actual scenes their watching. If there was any sex, it would have to be Lesbian group sex due to the fore-mentioned condition of Charlie.
    If number two was picked up and aired by say a cable station, HBO, Playboy ,Hustles or even an edited MTV version, I would pay XX amount each month simply to see if whether or not Charlie survived that episode….

  38. Nero

    Ya right, i guess that sitcom actors are really the top of the world and ruling it.

  39. Gando

    I don’t expect anybody to be interested. But i’m wondering what his political colors are …..

  40. Rhialto

    Yeah… What are his political colors… Start to bid!

  41. Honey

    I wouldn’t even smell the tip of his dick for $30,000.

    • Bucky Barnes

      What if it’s detachable, like Michael Jackson’s nose?

    • Rhialto

      That’s right because just a blink of my eyes and another regime falls anywhere. Ony loved ones getting to know it.

    • Burt

      That’s what hookers are for, I guess. He’s certainly overpaying. Remember Heidi Fleiss? Her books showed he had paid 53000$ for 27 “encounters”.

      • Bucky Barnes

        At the time of the Heidi Fleiss bust another millionaire client who didn’t mind talking about it on camera told an interviewer something to the effect that when you’re rich you don’t pay hookers for sex, you pay them to go away. He meant that it still costs them less than having a full time gold-digging wife or girlfriend.

  42. Kat

    I love how the legality of his behavior doesn’t even enter into this “debate.” Does it matter to me if a random junkie on the corner of 5th and main shoots up? Only in so much as I believe hard drugs like that ruin society and families. But the entire COUNTRY knows what this man is doing and he’s not being imprisoned for a single day (other mortals get put away for life for less). It just pisses me off to know that some citizens are above the law simply because they appear on crappy sitcoms once a week. Or is it because he’s rich? I can’t tell…

    • Burt

      There’s certainly grounds for getting a warrant to search his house, all depends if the judge views the testimonials of a prostitute to be credible. Having a satchel bag full of coke, whether he consumes astronomical amounts of the drug or not, is probably enough to be considered possession with the intent to traffic.

      • seth rogen's vagina

        Is there any amount of cocaine that Charlie Sheen couldn’t plausibly testify that it was all for personal use? The guy could get caught with a dumptruck full of it, and if I was on the jury, and he said ‘wtf, sell it? no chance – this is all for me!’, and I’d believe it.

  43. terrance

    You need to change Charlie before something more devastating could land on your face. Here’s a good one: If you want to change anything in your life, you need to humbly assess or evaluate your current state – Rick Warren

  44. Doc Schweinstrudel

    No money & oblivion in the world are enough. I wouldn’t fuck him with Courney Love’s vagina

  45. Sam

    Can’t blame the guy, I mean yeah he does seem a little obsessed with the porn ladies and/ or sex but if I had his money and that kind of “charme” (at least as long as u don’t know the guy any closer) most folks would use it as much as he is, I certainly would (maybe at least trying not to freak ppl out as much) and I bet most visitors on this site would too and why not the girls have their fun, they get paid and whatnot.

    This site isn’t named the superficial without a reason, it mirrors our society really, if you get power (=money) u use it.

  46. Sam


    oh and usually this kind of behaviour results from conflicts deep down, it’s one thing to have a good time but is he really?

    I would guess it’s hardly satisfactory to him anymore and I hope he seeks some real help on his issues (no shame in that) also the gold digging crowd isn’t really helping any either so hopefully he can leave that behind and work his stuff out.

  47. Charlie is being Charlie. He’s been Charlie the Perv Party Animal ever since he was a kid. Grew up in Hollywood, famous dad, actor brother, had excess around him his whole life. Started earning his own way and now he spends it as he makes it. Why is it so tough to comprehend? Why SHOULD he settle down and grow up? His Cocaine use is dangerous to himself, that’s my only issue with his behavior because it will fry his brain and eventually kill him if he doesn’t curtail it. Having said that, has anyone ever thought that maybe he doesn’t really give a rats ass if he lives a long life? Many people would rather die young and live hard than die old, lonely, and bored.

    Denise Richards is no saint. She IS crazy for thinking she could change him into a loving, caring husband. She didn’t see his drug use, alcoholism, womanizing before they were married? PULLEASE!!! She shouldn’t have married him and she shouldn’t have had kids if she expected Charlie to change. His mistake was putting a ring on her finger in the first place. I bet the marriage ended when she told him either the partying and drug use stops or she takes the kids. He chose the drug use and partying. That’s HIM. That’s always BEEN him. Calling him a turd or a jerk or an asshole makes no difference because anyone who expected him to be different was an idiot in the first place.

    As for the guy above who was the key grip, he pointed something out. Charlie Sheen never missed a reading, or a casting call, or the taping of his show. EVER!!! He knew it was important to be at work for those guys and for his own paycheque. He didn’t bring his off screen stuff on screen or on set. So don’t try to bash him and say he didn’t care. The fucker got out of weekend long drug and sex binges, crawled out of bed and got his ass to work!!!

    So please, bleeding hearts and moral majority, leave Sheen alone. He’s been this way for 50 years, he will continue to be this way. You who think he’s this or he’s that are putting him up to a standard that he never believed in. You all poo poo his behavior for being wrong, but what exactly is WRONG with a man, who makes a crap load of money, who takes care of his kids, who is 50, who shows up to work every day fucking as many young women as he can physically be capable of??? If he can still do it and enjoy it and his ticker can handle it, then KEEP DOING IT!!! GOOD FOR HIM!!! If I led his lifestyle I wouldn’t become a boring, middle aged fucker either!!!

    • seth rogen's vagina

      I agree – Charlie should volunteer to do interventions for boring rich dumbasses like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg – those 2 have piles of money, and no better ideas of what to do with it than give it all away? Billions and billions just wasted on those 2 – they need Charlie to show them how to live life to the fullest – eyeball deep in hookers and coke! How can anybody NOT admire this guy – he rented a second mansion, just to keep his hookers in! Uh yeah, this mansion over here, that’s where I live, and this other mansion over there, that’s where I bang the hookers.

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