Charlie Sheen Isn’t Going to Die – This Week

Reports have been pouring in claiming Charlie Sheen has been on a non-stop cocaine and hooker binge for weeks, culminating in his near-arrest at a New York City hotel while porn-star/hooker Capri Anderson was locked in the bathroom. Friends are now saying he’ll be dead within a week which his manager Mark Burg is denying to TMZ because that’s what he get paid to. Check out what he literally expects you to believe happened while dropping in on Charlie over the weekend:

He [Burg] went to Charlie’s house, entered a side door and saw Charlie sitting on the couch eating a turkey sandwich, saying, “Way to knock, dude.”
Burg says he asked Charlie about the report he was at death’s door and “Charlie looked at me like I was nuts.”
Burg says Charlie plans on handing out lots of Halloween candy … because his neighborhood gets besieged by trick-or-treaters.
Burg added, “He looked as normal as he’s looked in a long time.”

Anyone finding it hard to imagine waltzing into Charlie Sheen’s house unannounced would result in finding him eating a sandwich as he wistfully plans to deliver sweets to the neighborhood children? Because I’m pretty sure you’d either a.) get shot in the neck with a crossbow and/or b.) stumble upon him using hookers for coasters while Mexican freedom fighters explain to “Senor El rey de la Nieve” why they’re going to need more “burros.”

But, no, it’s definitely the candy and sandwich thing. That’s gotta be it.

Photos: Splash News