Charlie Sheen Is Under Felony Investigation Now

Even though Charlie Sheen’s been blatantly attempting to cover up his HIV diagnosis by paying people off and going on Today with his gross “condoms and honesty” speech, there’s now some pretty compelling evidence that he wasn’t telling anyone shit while he was shoving his unprotected dick into them and, surprise! That’s a felony, Tiger Douche. Via Radar Online:

The LAPD has launched a bombshell felony investigation involving Charlie Sheen‘s massive HIV cover-up, can reveal. And as cops begin their search for evidence, they’ve come straight to Radar!

Okay, calm down Radar. We know you’re excited. Now, tell us why the police need the help of the publisher of From Nerdy To Nude: 10 Secrets From The Set Of ‘The Big Bang Theory’:

In chilling tapes secretly recorded by Sheen’s former lover and obtained by, not only did the 50-year-old actor admit to having unprotected sex with her after his HIV-positive diagnosis, but he also told the woman he was clean before they did the deed. However, when the woman, whose identity Radar is protecting, demanded to know on the tape why he didn’t tell her he was HIV-positive, he shouted, “Because it’s none of your f—ing business, OK!

Yep, that’s actually pretty damning. And just to ice this turd cake with even more awful from Charlie’s winning life, his ex-fiance, pornstar Brett Rossi, successfully got him slapped with a restraining order over accusations of assault, and, wait for it, contemplating hiring a hitman to kill her. There truly is no bottom in this situation, is there? Even if Charlie Sheen died today and could never terrorize another person’s life, there would still be a bunch of women (and possibly men) who got AIDS from him, as well a legacy of morons who will always be like, “Yeah, but he didn’t take shit from anyone, and he was funny on that show where he banged all those broads!” I don’t know which of those is worse, except I do, because there’s no cocktail of drugs yet that basically cures dumbfuck.

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