Charlie Sheen is Tila Tequila Now

The Superficial / March 7, 2011

And welcome to the part of the day why I try to catch up with all the crazy shit Charlie Sheen’s done because the man never sleeps. It’s gotten to the point where I’m exhausted just thinking about him and literally can’t wait for his death so I can write, “I guess he won,” for his obituary and never speak of this again. On that note, let’s find out what happens when the TV interviews dry up and a drug-addicted manic depressive is left to his own devices with a webcam and a constant need for attention:

- To kick off the weekend’s downward spiral, Charlie was almost short a goddess after getting into a fight with Bree Olson Friday night. They reconciled Saturday before she took off to her home state of Indiana, and Charlie cleared the whole thing up with TMZ provided your definition of clearing things up involves shark murder:

“I chipped one of my warlock fangs on a great white shark I had to murder. Pissed me off and like an ass I took it out on her.”

See? Nothing out of the ordinary. Charlie simply chipped a tooth trying to bite a live shark which left him no choice but to end its life for making a fool out of him. So naturally he got testy with one of the hookers he pays to play house with him. He’s passionate about sea life.

- Taking a page from The Tila Tequila Famewhore Playbook, Charlie decided to launch his own Ustream show called “Sheen’s Korner” Saturday night which was a historical event for being the exact moment when even the most die-hard of Sheen fans went, “Okay, he’s fucking lost it.” Clocking in at 52 minutes, the inaugural episode featured a rambling Charlie saying “winning” into the camera 800 times in between staring into space and realizing this is why TV shows hire writers and editors. Think Bart Simpson saying “Eat my shorts,” over and over again, and then ending it by showing you he tattooed the words on his wrist. (That last part actually happened.) The production was so bad, even Adonis himself was embarrassed by it:

Fastball; last night was treasonous to the movement. my bad. a video solution coming soon. #SheensKorner

Except his solution was to do another episode (Posted below.) instead of the smart choice of burying his webcam up a hooker’s ass and cutting his losses. This time around it was only 13 minutes of Charlie incoherently calling Conan and Howard Stern “boring” whenever he wasn’t yelling “troll” or trying to light his face on fire. It almost made me yearn for Tila’s tampon string. Almost.

- And finally to top off this pile of Anti-Winning, Charlie is going to start selling merchandise with his catchphrases on it despite beating every single one of them into the ground in the past 48 hours. Because apparently everyone didn’t get the hint that he pissed away what should’ve been a vast fortune on skeez and blow, and is a hush Bentley away from blowing Chuck Lorre for his job back. “Wait. Didn’t I use to make $1.8 million for just standing around being myself? What the hell happened? — Oh, right, I love drugs.”


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UPDATE: I didn’t make it through this whole thing or I’d be the one ending it all, but apparently Charlie launches into a rant about “cutting children’s throats,” according to RadarOnline:

“I’m gonna write my sermons, I’m gonna deliver them like truth torpedoes, and people are gonna f **king take it or leave it, we know they’re gonna take it cause they can’t process it, so they must condemn it, and it they can’t condemn it, they’ll like f **king turn me into a God and worship it, and realize I’m behind them, cutting their throats, and their children’s …”
As Sheen says the word “children’s,” the tape noticeably skips a beat, jaggedly segueing into a completely different discussion.

Okay, so maybe he got a little carried away. Fortunately, it’s not like he’s going to court today to for a custody hearing. Except, oh, wait, he is. WINNING!

Photo: SoftFacade