Charlie Sheen is Tila Tequila Now

March 7th, 2011 // 81 Comments
Charlie Sheen Winning

And welcome to the part of the day why I try to catch up with all the crazy shit Charlie Sheen‘s done because the man never sleeps. It’s gotten to the point where I’m exhausted just thinking about him and literally can’t wait for his death so I can write, “I guess he won,” for his obituary and never speak of this again. On that note, let’s find out what happens when the TV interviews dry up and a drug-addicted manic depressive is left to his own devices with a webcam and a constant need for attention:

- To kick off the weekend’s downward spiral, Charlie was almost short a goddess after getting into a fight with Bree Olson Friday night. They reconciled Saturday before she took off to her home state of Indiana, and Charlie cleared the whole thing up with TMZ provided your definition of clearing things up involves shark murder:

“I chipped one of my warlock fangs on a great white shark I had to murder. Pissed me off and like an ass I took it out on her.”

See? Nothing out of the ordinary. Charlie simply chipped a tooth trying to bite a live shark which left him no choice but to end its life for making a fool out of him. So naturally he got testy with one of the hookers he pays to play house with him. He’s passionate about sea life.

- Taking a page from The Tila Tequila Famewhore Playbook, Charlie decided to launch his own Ustream show called “Sheen’s Korner” Saturday night which was a historical event for being the exact moment when even the most die-hard of Sheen fans went, “Okay, he’s fucking lost it.” Clocking in at 52 minutes, the inaugural episode featured a rambling Charlie saying “winning” into the camera 800 times in between staring into space and realizing this is why TV shows hire writers and editors. Think Bart Simpson saying “Eat my shorts,” over and over again, and then ending it by showing you he tattooed the words on his wrist. (That last part actually happened.) The production was so bad, even Adonis himself was embarrassed by it:

Fastball; last night was treasonous to the movement. my bad. a video solution coming soon. #SheensKorner

Except his solution was to do another episode (Posted below.) instead of the smart choice of burying his webcam up a hooker’s ass and cutting his losses. This time around it was only 13 minutes of Charlie incoherently calling Conan and Howard Stern “boring” whenever he wasn’t yelling “troll” or trying to light his face on fire. It almost made me yearn for Tila’s tampon string. Almost.

- And finally to top off this pile of Anti-Winning, Charlie is going to start selling merchandise with his catchphrases on it despite beating every single one of them into the ground in the past 48 hours. Because apparently everyone didn’t get the hint that he pissed away what should’ve been a vast fortune on skeez and blow, and is a hush Bentley away from blowing Chuck Lorre for his job back. “Wait. Didn’t I use to make $1.8 million for just standing around being myself? What the hell happened? — Oh, right, I love drugs.”


Live Broadcast by Ustream.TV

UPDATE: I didn’t make it through this whole thing or I’d be the one ending it all, but apparently Charlie launches into a rant about “cutting children’s throats,” according to RadarOnline:

“I’m gonna write my sermons, I’m gonna deliver them like truth torpedoes, and people are gonna f **king take it or leave it, we know they’re gonna take it cause they can’t process it, so they must condemn it, and it they can’t condemn it, they’ll like f **king turn me into a God and worship it, and realize I’m behind them, cutting their throats, and their children’s …”
As Sheen says the word “children’s,” the tape noticeably skips a beat, jaggedly segueing into a completely different discussion.

Okay, so maybe he got a little carried away. Fortunately, it’s not like he’s going to court today to for a custody hearing. Except, oh, wait, he is. WINNING!

Photo: SoftFacade

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  1. alexa

    FIRST

  2. peanut

    i don’t get it…third

  3. Ed

    He’s not crazy. He’s just speaking in metaphor.

  4. Casey

    It’s getting really hard to care. Sheen dropped dramatically from “kind of awesome” to “trying way too hard.” Too bad…it was fun while it lasted, though.

  5. LJ

    Memo to Mr. Sheen:

    Incoherent, disjointed. narcissistic 13 minute rants just don’t make for good comedy no matter what the ass kissers that surround you say.

  6. This is pretty close to the prediction I made last week, the one where he restarts the Barber Shop on WWE’s Monday Night Raw.

  7. RoboZombie

    Hey Charlie, try this next time. Wrap a noose around your neck, then tie it to a strong roof beam. Start your Ustream(piss stream?) standing on the chair and for a finale, leap off, shouting WIN!!!
    That would totally rock, you freaking cock-snorting douchenozzle!

  8. This is actually a very common failing of actors who are too accustomed to writers, editors, and directors making them look good. They end up thinking “I don’t need them, I’m awesome on my own” and set out to try to do it alone.

    This is why the entire “Air America” radio network failed. They were so convinced that rightwing talk radio was just a bunch of rubes ranting into the mic, they thought it would be simple to put up an antithesis. What they ended up doing was putting a bunch of angry comdians on the air not doing comedy, up against seasoned radio professionals. It didn’t go so well.

    • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

      Mr. Smackup
      your post is actually a very common failing of people who were mentioned on Most Important People segment.
      What happened??
      Amuse me!!
      Don’t turn into Gravy.
      We lost a good one in that po old boy.

    • lot

      I think was mainly because the right wingers audience is comprised of the bitter unemployed and senior citizens, who have nothing but time to devote to getting themselves worked up in a lather. Normal, hardworking folks don’t listen to talk radio.

      • Al Bore

        @ lot

        If by “Normal, hardworking folks” you mean high school dropout construction workers, short order cooks, warehouse and union workers, then I agree. If not, then youre dead wrong. You obviously dont listen to it yourself or youd know differently.

        Its so easy to criticize something when you know nothing about it and dont know what a jackass you sound like saying things that couldnt be further from the truth.

        Keep um comin joker You got me cracking up over here.

    • LMAO @IttyBittyTittyCommittee

      “Envy consists in seeing things never in themselves, but only in their relations. If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon, but Napoleon envied Caesar, Caesar envied Alexander, and Alexander, I daresay, envied Hercules, who never existed.”

      Looking forward to seeing posts from YOU this week too…. :)

      • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

        Where the h e double toothpicks do you come up with this s h eye tee??
        I will thank you for the history lesson and enlightenment.
        Now make me laff!!

  9. Kelsey

    Damnit Charlie! Consider suicide….it’s time.

  10. “Winning. Winning. Winning.”

    Seen it before. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_Pbx9mvWPY

  11. oilycurtains

    now we realized that he has absolutely no personality and tries way to hard to be funny.. stick to playing fake characters in shows that make you look cool cause i had about one minute of that ustream rant and it wasnt cool .. just really sad.

  12. jonesy

    Fuck, I wonder if he has a brain tumor.

  13. Vivian

    Ever since this whole mess began, Charly Sheen seems to be everywhere. Looks like all you have to do to be omnipresent in hollywhood is f..k up real bad (or really good?) and there you have it, they’ll post his face just about anywhere and feed on his….misery?

  14. xanax in my beer

    I second the brain tumor.

  15. winter

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  16. “I chipped one of my warlock fangs on a great white shark …”

    By “warlock fangs” he means lateral incisors. And by “shark” he meant meth pipe.

    Winning!

  17. chopchop

    Jesus, he’s a real-life Michael Scott. “Look how funny it is when I make faces while I’m on the phone! And a catchphrase is still hilarious the 10,000th time you say it!” Fuck Two & 1/2 Men, Charlie … replace Steve Carell on The Office with these videos. (Which should totally be called “Krazy Karlos’ Korner” but I digress.)

  18. The Critical Crassness

    Good! I can start my day now without regret because The Fish has already posted the first of his “Daily Dozen” Charlie Sheen posts. What a fucking waste of comedic talent!
    No! Not Charlie Sheen,The Fish writing posts about this douche bag and all of the normally funny comments written by normally funny people going to waste remarking about the latest incoherent rantings of a lunatic.

  19. Andy

    Martin Sheen will take Charlie for a drive, and when the car flips over, he’ll put his hand over Charlie’s mouth until he dies.

  20. Dave

    If you’re going to have a public meltdown, this is the way to do it.

  21. Since I called the Tila Tequila analogy last week, I’ll go out on a limb for another wild prediction:

    He’ll disappear for a bit and say he was method acting all of this stuff (a la Joaquin Phoenix) to strip his family friendly image and get serious acting gigs.

  22. This does not bode well. If Charlie is indeed following the Tila Tequila Famewhore Guide, does that mean we can expect a “leaked” sex tape of him either trying to fold one into Bree Olsen, or worse, flogging the bishop on his own?

    Ew. Do not want.

    • Cock Dr

      Sure we do. Anything for comedy.

    • I’m actually looking forward to all the pregnancy and miscarriage reports, then a tearful notice that he’s adopting a Russian baby since his Adonis DNA won’t let him carry to term.

      • Cock Dr

        He must have made some tapes, and you know his rent grrls have been telling him for years that he’s the greatest cocksman in the land. Perhaps after more melting & softening of the brain Charlie will get the idea to release some of his greatest private moments.

  23. kpatra

    so he’s either mentally ill or drug-addicted ill or both.
    either way, it is despicable that this is happening to the delight of the media and public. where’s dr. drew? lol.

  24. Photoshop Police

    and just as quicky as it came… the ‘winning’ was gone.

  25. Average Woman

    God he sucks ass. *sigh*
    Shut up, Charlie, just shut up.

  26. I’m not just stopping for this train wreck, I’m pulling the f*ck over and getting my picnic on while I watch!!

  27. LIZ

    Look, just because you mere mortals can’t understand Adonis-speak doesn’t mean Lord Charlie’s not dropping golden nuggets of wisdom all across the earth, gifting the masses with the knowledge once available to only the Gods.

    [I had to google 'Adonis.']

  28. This isn’t some pointless Joaquin Phoenix documdrama…it’s just pointless Charlie Sheen life drama.

    • That ends like a River Phoenix Halloween drama….?

      • Hey I’m not disagreeing with that. I’m just calling the Joaquin thing when he realizes nobody wants anything to do with him “Just kidding everybody!”

      • Must be a terrifying wakeup call when they realize they’re truly not all that and the world can actually do quite well without them – and the “psych!” excuse panic sets in.

        The universe will survive quite nicely without Two and Half Men, but Charlie won’t do half so well without it. Being fired from a 2mill an episode show and seguing to publicly pimping your attempts to try to get an internet radio show ain’t “winning” in anyone’s book.

  29. Bucky Barnes

    Charlie’s rants make perfect sense, it’s just that people who haven’t consumed a dump truck full of blow and a supertanker of booze don’t possess the requisite level of psychosis to comprehend the message. Charlie is getting tired of waiting for us to catch up so let’s get tooting, people!

  30. AgathaKT

    Poor Charlie, chipped a tooth on a shark. I stubbed my toe on Mars last week and it still stings a bit. Money and tiger’s blood apparently, doesn’t buy happiness.

  31. hmmm

    You can tell the guy on the phone cant stand him LOL

  32. Rufus The Cat

    And here I was hopeful that the Juggalo Army had pelted him with bottles and trash, no such luck.

  33. Rufus The Cat

    Here’s an idea for a TV series – Shit Cherlie Sheen Says. Just get Leonard Nemoy to play Sheen.

  34. Enidaj

    He just got fired. #Winning

  35. Tiger Blood

    here ya go – anybody want to intern for “Team Sheen”?
    http://cs.internships.com/charlie-sheen-internship/?adly_id=1373351728

  36. rubberbandit

    “We need to hack up the person responsible for this bad connection. Hack him up in front of his children”

  37. I have this definite feeling that he sits on the couch, hugging his pipe and watches “Platoon” over and over again. Whilst getting blown.
    C’mon. Ya’ll have that same feeling too. Admit it.

  38. Brooke

    I love how Bob, who is obviously used to this daily dose of crazy, finally loses it when Charlie Sheen says “that would imply that I care about orange juice and that I have a kitchen”. Bob laughs and Charlie Sheen’s head immediately cranks to the side like “Is this loser laughing at me!?” I kind of just assumed every time the phone cut off it was because Bob needed a time-out to go laugh or something.

  39. Brooke

    Oh god, I just watched the whole thing. At the end Charlie Sheen says, after hearing his dog Betty has died, that “People die, dogs die, what are you fucking gonna do? Bring ‘em back? Good luck!”, lights up a cigarette, and the video fades with “In Loving Memory Of Betty.”

    This was epic. I learned so many things this morning… and I am going to use the phrase “truth torpedo” whenever I can.

  40. Gary B

    So how’s that WINNING working out? CBS finally just shitcanned his ass.

  41. lachica

    he’s coming down off the high. watch for some serious depression and even more self-destructiveness.

  42. Olivia

    The real loss is that Sheen should have been funneling, this poetic word spew awesome into some Metal Band’s Lyrics.

    Metals very own, Burt Bacharach.

    Trolls, tiger blood, adonis DNA, fire breathing fists, droopy eyed armless children…backed up by shredding guitar and pictures of unicorns attacking sun people from the 5th dimension….its Winning no?

  43. ang

    Oh God, Charlie, light your face for real and see if pain is still a myth.

  44. 68th..

    btw great art on that tigerman! who drew that!

  45. the captain

    I’m curious: IS HE PHOTOSHOPPED, folks?

  46. xxx

    he is going to die soon:( i can’t see him continuing to live like this and people are of course are there waiting to exploit his addiction to make money off of it. Sad, sad man. His poor father.

  47. Sham

    Two and a half men needs to go on and be successful to help knock him back to reality without all the yesmen. I wish I was as wise as two tits who sat on a bit and thought they were wise because they had thighs with tiger blood in the mud with a big bang thud.

  48. Aine

    Dude is so severely bipolar it’s pathetic. Totally reminds me of someone I knew who was a dangerously unstable bipolar – acted just like this, major alcoholic, cokehead… could be Charlie Sheen’s twin. Will someone PLEASE get Sheen committed?????

  49. Kimarie

    He speaks in metaphor like it’s a second language he flunked out of in high school

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