Charlie Sheen is Snorting Nothing But Pure, Colombian Charlie Sheen

Because there’s absolutely no way I can keep up with Charlie Sheen on top of covering the Oscars tonight – Think chasing the Road Runner, but he also has the rocket car and twenty sticks of dynamite. – here’s a quick recap of Charlie’s latest antics as of this post. Except by the time I hit “Publish” he’ll probably solve 10 Rubik’s Cubes and give an exclusive interview with Anderson Cooper in Antarctica. “What do ya mean it’s only snow? I just bought the whole continent!”

- The Book: According to TMZ, Charlie claims he’s writing a tell-all memoir titled “When the Laughter Stopped” which I can actually see happening. In his autobiography “On Writing,” Stephen King revealed he wrote “Cujo” during the height of his coke and alcohol addiction in the 80s and doesn’t remember typing a single word. So using that math, just assume Charlie’s manuscript can fill a missile silo and he only started yesterday. In the meantime, he plans to start the bidding for the publishing rights at a paltry $10 million because at this point, it’s clearly about getting the truth out and not at all about the cost of filling a jet with cocaine every morning.

- The Drug Test: Charlie flew home early from the Bahamas on Friday to take a blood and urine drug test for RadarOnline. He “passed” the urine part, but keep in mind this is also the same publication that manufactured a series of fake Britney Spears recording to sell issues of Star. On that note, the blood test results will be announced Monday which Charlie is confident will prove he’s a tiger (No, really.), so right away I’m doubting if he’s ever taken a single drug in his life. Clearly we’re dealing with a man so clean in body, mind, and spirit he’s become part-jungle cat. To put things in perspective, there are powerful shamans who still can’t make it past part-tit mouse, so I think I speak for all of us when I say, Bitches just got their lunch ate.

- The 20/20 Interview: Charlie has apparently recorded an interview with 20/20 set to air Tuesday night at 10 p.m. (promo after the jump) where he doesn’t just answer questions from reporter Andrea Channing as much as he pelts her with such amazing gems as, “Yeah, I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.” The interview also includes him standing at a dining room table with two porn stars who look like they just finished their shift at a sweatshop, so I can’t see how that won’t help.

CHANNING: Is Charlie kind to you?
PORN STAR: Mr. Sheen say, smile and no talk to camera about pussy dungeon.
CHARLIE: Haha! She’s joking! *tries to morph into a tiger*