Charlie Sheen: ‘I’m a Polygamist Now’

“The hell’s my mercury surfboard? I’m trying to win here.”

Over the weekend, Charlie Sheen gave what he promised was an exclusive interview to 20/20 which turned out to be the exact opposite of the case as he spent all day Monday talking to every single media outlet from TMZ to CNN. Realizing they’ll be 20,000 quotes of golden crazy behind by tonight, ABC News has since posted lengthy excerpts from the upcoming special which focus on Charlie’s new girlfriends Natalie Kenly and porn star Bree Olson (Real name: Rachel Oberlin). Apparently they’re just a couple of old romantics whenever he’s not openly paying them for sex or making them call him “The Wedge” while taking care of his kids. (Do I really need to say I’m not making this up at this point?)

On his “goddesses”:
“We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view. … You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”

On marrying both of them:
“Maybe the three of us will get married. I don’t know. I’m gonna say this. It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.”

On the rules in his house:
“We have a few rules here. Nobody panics. There’s no judgment. You park your judgment at the door. Nobody dies. And — enjoy every moment. What did I miss? Drink chocolate milk. We just have fun. There’s a ton of laughter in this house. A ton of love in this house. There’s a ton of nobility in this house.”

On porn stars:
“You already know what you’re getting before you meet them. They’re the best at what they do and I’m the best at what I do. And together it’s like, it’s on. Sorry, Middle America. Yeah, I said it.”

On paying them for sex:
“Who wants to deal with all the small talk and nonsense? And you’re paying for something that eliminates that. And I don’t know. It makes sense to me. As long as you’re not lying to anybody. As long as you’re not lying to people, I think whatever you’re doing, there’s no children involved in, then you’re OK. But people are going to judge it, because they’re so jealous.”

On his children:
“They’ll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. And, you know, signs all the checks on the front, not the back. And you know, we need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness.”

On wanting CBS to get rid of Chuck Lorre:
“If they can’t change that, they’re not welcome in my perfect work environment. And they’re not welcome to be in the presence of what I’m delivering. Because they just need to take a step back and say, ‘Wow, wow, look what this guy’s doing for us, for all of us.'”

If Charlie Sheen doesn’t end this interview by stretching out his hands and floating into the heavens, the tape was doctored and we should cry havoc in the streets until it’s aired unedited. He told me to tell you that. Also, something about winning, but I couldn’t really hear him that well. Sounded like a tiger was giving blood in the background.

Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News