Charlie Sheen: ‘I’m a Polygamist Now’

March 1st, 2011 // 29 Comments

“The hell’s my mercury surfboard? I’m trying to win here.”

Over the weekend, Charlie Sheen gave what he promised was an exclusive interview to 20/20 which turned out to be the exact opposite of the case as he spent all day Monday talking to every single media outlet from TMZ to CNN. Realizing they’ll be 20,000 quotes of golden crazy behind by tonight, ABC News has since posted lengthy excerpts from the upcoming special which focus on Charlie’s new girlfriends Natalie Kenly and porn star Bree Olson (Real name: Rachel Oberlin). Apparently they’re just a couple of old romantics whenever he’s not openly paying them for sex or making them call him “The Wedge” while taking care of his kids. (Do I really need to say I’m not making this up at this point?)

On his “goddesses”:
“We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view. … You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”

On marrying both of them:
“Maybe the three of us will get married. I don’t know. I’m gonna say this. It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.”

On the rules in his house:
“We have a few rules here. Nobody panics. There’s no judgment. You park your judgment at the door. Nobody dies. And — enjoy every moment. What did I miss? Drink chocolate milk. We just have fun. There’s a ton of laughter in this house. A ton of love in this house. There’s a ton of nobility in this house.”

On porn stars:
“You already know what you’re getting before you meet them. They’re the best at what they do and I’m the best at what I do. And together it’s like, it’s on. Sorry, Middle America. Yeah, I said it.”

On paying them for sex:
“Who wants to deal with all the small talk and nonsense? And you’re paying for something that eliminates that. And I don’t know. It makes sense to me. As long as you’re not lying to anybody. As long as you’re not lying to people, I think whatever you’re doing, there’s no children involved in, then you’re OK. But people are going to judge it, because they’re so jealous.”

On his children:
“They’ll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. And, you know, signs all the checks on the front, not the back. And you know, we need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness.”

On wanting CBS to get rid of Chuck Lorre:
“If they can’t change that, they’re not welcome in my perfect work environment. And they’re not welcome to be in the presence of what I’m delivering. Because they just need to take a step back and say, ‘Wow, wow, look what this guy’s doing for us, for all of us.’”

If Charlie Sheen doesn’t end this interview by stretching out his hands and floating into the heavens, the tape was doctored and we should cry havoc in the streets until it’s aired unedited. He told me to tell you that. Also, something about winning, but I couldn’t really hear him that well. Sounded like a tiger was giving blood in the background.

Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News

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  1. pdan

    “These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”

    Apparently Charlie Sheen’s heart is the Triforce?

  2. Carlos these things you call Goddess are BUTT UGLY! Is this all 30 grand can buy these days or is this all you can get to be seen in day light with you? No one is jealous of you, that’s just more of your ego talking. No one cares who you pass around STD’s with. You have 5 kids and none will ever see you as anything but the loser crack head you have treated their mothers as. You are forced to pay for sex because you are incapable of small talk, love or feelings. These females are leeches that will be gone as soon as the fame and $$$ is gone. You don’t have to pay for love Carlos, you are just geting very costly and UGLY in home GFE. Die already like your career Carlos!!!

    • misplacedanger

      I think you’re underestimating just how rich Charlie Sheen actually is…

      • LJ

        I agree. This year since he finished 15 of the 23 shows for the season he made $30 million. That’s just this year. The show has been on for eight seasons. He ain’t never gonna run out of money.

  3. Galtacticus

    And what’s a polygamist folks? ⊙_⨀

  4. Rhialto

    Dependable on sexual interpretation i guess. What’s a polygamist?

  5. anonymoose

    choo-choo charlie has gone off the rails.

  6. Nero

    What in the name is a modern society? Partner’s approval doesn’t make you a polygamist yet. Real life polygamists are living in a community.

  7. Hurp

    Coke and sluts? THEY’RE GRRRRREAT!

  8. Rhialto

    I’m just wondering about this ‘polygamist’ concept. Has this concept been always there?

  9. Scott

    Want to enjoy random brilliant Sheen quotes?
    http://www.livethesheendream.com/

    No it isn’t spam – it’s funny.

  10. Aggie

    “drink chocolate milk”…. do we want to know what that means at Charlie Sheen’s house?

  11. Michelle

    What a fucking asshole this guy is.

  12. Elliott

    I listened to him on the Stern Show this morning. Dude’s batshit crazy, but his quotes are fucking gold.

    • Deacon Jones

      Yes! That interview last night was “epic”. You could tell just how piss off that woman was getting interviewing him. He refuted her immediately.

      I laughed. I cried. I ate salsa con queso.

  13. mupps

    He is now on twitter….it’s magical.

  14. “(Do I really need to say I’m not making this up at this point?)”

    No, Fish sugar, you sure don’t.

  15. ugalawdog98

    Charlie is the epitome of awesome. His idea of an average weekend is to do a suitcase full of blow and screw several porn stars. And he GETS AWAY WITH IT! As for me, if I tore a tag off a mattress, I’d have 12 cops busting down my door.

  16. Remind me, what part of paying a gang-bang hooker to marry you is “winning”?

  17. captain america

    well, we have an honest american here.
    ………….CAN’T HELP IT, folks!!

  18. Adorable Naivete

    I’m assuming the nickname “The Wedge” from the porn stars is due to the fact that he comes between them.

    Had no one else really figured this out yet?

  19. ReiR

    Charlie Sheen hoping his kids will see him as cool kinda reminds me of the woman trying to be the “cool mom”- and I think probably ends up with about the same result.

  20. Yep

    This is one crazy azz white boy!!!!

  21. Dread not

    He started twittering? The Rock Star from Mars is waving his little hand to the world and screaming, “look at me! Look at me!” Charlie’s more like The Rock Star from Uranus. What a fuckin’ a-hole! Somebody needs to steal those nice new Mercedes he’s got parked in his driveway for his two stress/crazy dumpsters, and ghost ride them over the same cliff his other two cars were driven off of.

  22. Some Girl

    At first I thought Charlie Sheen was just a douchebag, but I finally get it now.

    He’s a god.

  23. Mr Sheen

    WINNING!

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