Charlie Sheen: ‘I Just Cured Alcoholism. Right Now. With My Mind.’

“You’re welcome!”

In case there were any doubts that Charlie Sheen didn’t just launch himself into an private jet full of coke and porn stars, he called in this afternoon to Alex Jones’ Infowars and revealed he’s in the air with “two hotties.” (Ha! Brooke Mueller thought there was going to be a foursome. Stupid drug addicts.) If you’re not familiar with Jones, think a crazier, even more conspiratorial nutjob than Glenn Beck if such a thing is even possible. Which is important information considering Charlie Sheen manages to make him look like a sane person. Below are just a few quotes culled from RadarOnline and TMZ that will eventually be documented in a case study titled, “What Cokeheads Think When They’re on Coke.”

On Alcoholics Anonymous:
“Newsflash, I’m special. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. My success rate is 100%. I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years,” Sheen said. “I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. It’s vintage, outdated and stupid and it’s followed by STUPID people. I hate them violently. They will come at me. … Debate me on AA right now. I have a disease? Bulls**t. I cured it right now with my mind.”

On the media:
“I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. There’s a new sheriff, and he has an army of assassins. My motto now is either you love or you hate and you must do so violently. I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get embarrassed. If you love with violence and you hate with violence there is nothing that can be questioned.”

On Two and a Half Men:
“I was told if I went on the attack they’d cancel the show. Are they happy with the 5 billion dollars they made off me or do they want 10?”

On Chuck Lorre:
“A turd [and a] clown. [I embarrassed him] in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process.”

On if this is his final commitment to sobriety:
“Right now it is. I don’t subscribe to any model.”

On being equated with Thomas Jefferson by Alex Jones:
“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy!”

So… Two and a Half Men just got canceled, and I think it’s safe to say Charlie Sheen finally found that map to Exploded Labia Island he’s been hunting for all these years. “Ha! It was in the fridge the whole time. Now, who’s been putting food in here? I’m special and don’t need it! *snorrrt* Yeah, that’s it. That’s all the nutrients I need. Pussy. Where are my assassins?”

Photo: Getty