Charlie Sheen: ‘I Just Cured Alcoholism. Right Now. With My Mind.’

February 24th, 2011 // 83 Comments
Charlie Sheen

“You’re welcome!”

In case there were any doubts that Charlie Sheen didn’t just launch himself into an private jet full of coke and porn stars, he called in this afternoon to Alex Jones’ Infowars and revealed he’s in the air with “two hotties.” (Ha! Brooke Mueller thought there was going to be a foursome. Stupid drug addicts.) If you’re not familiar with Jones, think a crazier, even more conspiratorial nutjob than Glenn Beck if such a thing is even possible. Which is important information considering Charlie Sheen manages to make him look like a sane person. Below are just a few quotes culled from RadarOnline and TMZ that will eventually be documented in a case study titled, “What Cokeheads Think When They’re on Coke.”

On Alcoholics Anonymous:
“Newsflash, I’m special. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. My success rate is 100%. I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years,” Sheen said. “I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. It’s vintage, outdated and stupid and it’s followed by STUPID people. I hate them violently. They will come at me. … Debate me on AA right now. I have a disease? Bulls**t. I cured it right now with my mind.”

On the media:
“I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. There’s a new sheriff, and he has an army of assassins. My motto now is either you love or you hate and you must do so violently. I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get embarrassed. If you love with violence and you hate with violence there is nothing that can be questioned.”

On Two and a Half Men:
“I was told if I went on the attack they’d cancel the show. Are they happy with the 5 billion dollars they made off me or do they want 10?”

On Chuck Lorre:
“A turd [and a] clown. [I embarrassed him] in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process.”

On if this is his final commitment to sobriety:
“Right now it is. I don’t subscribe to any model.”

On being equated with Thomas Jefferson by Alex Jones:
“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy!”

So… Two and a Half Men just got canceled, and I think it’s safe to say Charlie Sheen finally found that map to Exploded Labia Island he’s been hunting for all these years. “Ha! It was in the fridge the whole time. Now, who’s been putting food in here? I’m special and don’t need it! *snorrrt* Yeah, that’s it. That’s all the nutrients I need. Pussy. Where are my assassins?”

Photo: Getty

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  1. Jess

    Anyone else think that Chuck Lorre, Jon Cryer and that kid should have the right to string this asshole up and beat him like a pinata? Pretty crap pinata though, all that will come out is coke and hepatitis…

    • No. when you’re a hanger-on to people with real talent and true awesomeness, then you ride the money train until it comes to a full and complete stop, then you get off being careful of the closing doors. Then you kiss his ass for letting you on the ride in the first place.

      Charlie doesn’ t owe anybody anything. Except to continue being AWESOME.

      • Anonymous

        Awesome, eh? I think not.

      • Kat

        Two and a half men is a crppy show anywya. Big Bang Theory, on the other hand, is awesome. Chuck Lorre has another Golden Goose in the works, Emilio, he doesn’t need you. And why isn’t this man in jail? The whole WORLD knows what he’s doing — he freely admits it.

  2. Name (required)

    Only 3 words to describe Charlie Sheen…

    What…The…Fuck…

  3. Clarence Beeks

    keep digging that grave Charlie.

  4. Kenlin Bros

    It must be sad to know you won’t be mourned.

  5. Wreththe

    This is what they call “Fuck-you money”.

  6. Deacon Jones

    This guy is fucking insane (awesome).

    I’ve been there, done that. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is someone that has some VERY good cocaine on their hands. Very good.

  7. Eric

    Wow. You could actually fit Tom Cruises ego inCharlie Sheens nutsack

  8. Booger McGee

    Wow.

    It’s like a Tom Cruise / Matt Lauer interview about scientology… except with cocaine and porn stars.

  9. urine nation

    “…if such a thing is even impossible” You semi-literate boob. Just like when you wrote “all of a sudden.” It’s “all of THE sudden.”
    But don’t let basic rules of grammar and usage get in the way of your spewing of liberal preacher-daddy hating venom. I understand, this is what the public schools produce these days.

  10. Hurp

    You keep posting about Charlie Sheen like the guy is (or should) be ashamed.

    The guy has openly admitted he doesn’t care. He wants to bang hookers and do coke. But hey, let’s continue posting about how he’s just a crackpot man-whore with too much money. Is gossip really this slow right now?

  11. mupps

    I have just had a peek into Charlie Sheen’s mind…and now I am frightened.

    So cold!

  12. Lassiter

    Please let that OD come real soon. Had enough of this turd. He is making a mockery of the system. Still drinking, Still using drugs going on as he please. If CBS has any balls they would fire him.

  13. 2for2true

    Fuck me…and there sits lil` Miss Anne Frank up in heaven all high and mighty, thinking she penned something worth a shit.

  14. mean tina

    charlie is awful to women and living in excess, its just not fashionable to live like that anymore.

    also, why hasn’t anyone said it… mid-life crisis.

    • And of course, the women $$$$ are not in any $$$$ way looking for $$$$ anything from $$$$ Charlie $heen. They are $$$$ perfect angel$ taken advantage of $$$$ by a mon$ter.

  15. I can only imagine the brain power necessary for Chuck Lorre to come up with the premise for Two and Half Men.

    Chuck: “Let’s do an updated version of The Odd Couple.”
    CBS: “You already made Dharma & Greg. We want something original, Chuck.”
    Chuck: “Did I mention there’s a kid. No? Oh, well there is one.”
    CBS: “Sold.”

  16. Harry Doyle

    Just a bit insane…he tried for a coherent conversation and missed.

  17. So, I guess the sobriety coach thing didn’t work out.
    “Love & hate violently”…….all his parasites should get away from him ASAP. I know it must be hard to pass up all that coke & the endless open bar, but really, that fucker’s gonna kill someone -soon-

    • chupacabra

      Sounds like Ghadafi! Dancing on their own graves! Playing the violin while Rome burns. This is epic shitstorm of destruction. Kali’s got Sheen in the palm of one of her many hands and she’s about to eat him alive!
      —–
      Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

      Journalist: Apu is it true you are actually a Hindu?
      Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu I swear it is a lie.
      ——
      Great Simpsons lines…

  18. Whatever

    He’s living a life most of us wish we could have. I’m guessing most of the posts are either women or simply envious guys who can’t get over how awesome it must be to basically give a middle finger to everything and still have enough money to live life in luxury 40 times over.

  19. slappy magoo

    Charlita Peron.
    Don’t cry for me, whores named Tinaaaa…

  20. NattyB

    “I have a job? Bullshit, I just cured that by opening my mouth.”

  21. Nero

    He’s probably one of the notorious types who can quit at once if they have to.

  22. Jon and Kate Plus Hate

    I don’t get all the hubbub here, the man has a right to blow and pussy, I think it’s in like article 4 section 20 of the 69th amendment, the one passed when Ted Williams head became president in 2088

  23. Sweet Pee

    On behalf of my liver and kidneys: I wish this was truuuuueeeee.

  24. Rhialto

    It’s all between the ears controlled by willpower. And i guess the willpower’s position is a bit lower in Charlie Sheen’s case.

  25. SHEEN SHITTTHEAD

    Why isn’t this CRACKHEAD IN PRISON??? HE ADMITS IT AND YET HE GOES ON VACATIONS? ANY KID IN A NEIGHBORHOOD WOULD BE DOING TIME NOW FOR A LONG TIME. THE JUDGES ARE PAID OFF IN CALIFORNIA AND WHY AREN’T THE TALK SHOWS INVESTIGATING THIS INSTEAD OF HIS PORN STARS STORIES!!!!

  26. Anonymouse

    AA IS a cult!!!

    I used to not much like Charlie Sheen, but I can respect him for speaking the truth there. Yes – do some research. You’re more likely to overcome alcoholism by yourself than through AA. Alcoholics are more likely to DIE if they’re in AA, than rehab or absolutely nothing at all. Statistics back all this up and are available online.

    Then there are all the cultish aspects to AA which are designed to disempower alcoholics and their family and addict them to the group. It’s a GIANT CULT and nobody should be involved in it!!!

  27. Carlos Estevez

    I will cure your cancer WITH MY MIND!!!

  28. LJ

    It appears that his love of cocaine is now greater than his wish to work.

    The past six months are showing a quick progression of how his love of cocaine is increasingly overshadowing anything else in his life (other than young hookers).

    The production team better get as many episodes completed as quickly as they can before he “goes off “again.

  29. Richard McBeef

    I hope I can snort a bathtub of coke and bang a gang of fat pussied pregnant hookers during the last couple months of my life too. i say live it up, chuck.

  30. Rob Frost

    Charlie Sheen is the BOSS.
    What you are hearing is a guy who’s been under attack by the media for so long that he doesn’t give a crap anymore and has completely removed his sanity filter.

    Do you think he’s the only Hollywood celebrity on coke and hooker binges?

    Also Fish, Alex Jones is a highly intelligent scholar of history.
    Research his topics and you will see they are valid – the establishment doesn’t like what he has to say so he is labelled “cooky conspiracy theorist”.

  31. Kate

    I hope this story gets picked up by mainstream news … Show will so be cancelled if that’s happens. Charlie is a real piece of shit & these quotes truly demonstrate that firsthand. WTF indeed

  32. vegasbaby

    living the dream biatches. leave the dude alone. he’s in a position to make his own decisions good or bad. personally I love his attitude. he basically spells it out for folks. “I don’t give a fuck, so you shouldn’t either”

  33. Anonymous

    Taking bets for his soon-to-be announced OD and/or death.

  34. Brooke

    “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy!”
    I laughed so fucking hard at that. I need this on a t-shirt or coffee mug or something.

  35. In that pic, he looks like he shouldn’t be out in the sun… or have a reflection.

  36. me

    no doubt: AN AMERICAN MINISTER, folks!!

  37. jenny camacho

    If he was functioning in the real world where people are struggling from check to check,he’d see what an ass he’s being.

  38. Leonora

    at least he is an entertaining crackhead unlike loser lohan. You have got to admit he has a nice turn of phrase when insulting people.

  39. somethingoriginal

    Yeah like alcohol is his problem

  40. Rhialto

    When half the world is messing with my profile page. The flash images and text simply don’t show up. Never thought about that right? And who cares, it’s ofcourse only me.

  41. Deuce

    It’s pretty obvious that Charlie Sheen should have been writing for “Two & a Half Men”. The stuff he’s said in the past 24 hours have been way funnier than anything that’s been on that show ever.
    “Fire breathing fists, turd clown”? Come on, that’s brilliance !

  42. Infowarrior

    Ive been visiting this site for a few years now, mainly just to see what latest celeb showed her tits, and ive always suspected the writer of thesuperficial was a total douchebag. turns out i was right, the Alex Jones comment was reeeal douchebaggish.

  43. DeeMacD

    No crazy ego on this whack job. No way. What did thomas Jefferson ever do to him?

  44. T1

    I know, right? Obama,like all U.S. presidents before him, is so obviously a lizard-man from outer-space working for the intergalactic ‘take over your planet in only 500 years’ agency (NWO for short.) How can people be SO blind?

  45. JR Harris

    In AA Charlie has what is called Stinkin Thinkin. He should know better. I never thought about AA being a cult until I put “AA Cult” into Google. It is amazing the amount of information that is out there for and against that idea. Truly amazing.

  46. Cheese

    Alex Jones makes me want to punch myself

    Charlie Sheen is kind of my hero
    Winning!

  47. Death From Above

    The Horror…..The Horror

  48. Lipslide

    I think Charlie Sheen has always been this way, it has just become popular to actually release his “statements” since they’ve been somewhat of the rage these days. Nothing new to see here folks!

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