Charlie Sheen: ‘HBO Will Pay Me $50 Million For My Fire-Breathing Fists’

For those of you just tuning in, Charlie Sheen essentially committed career suicide yesterday by making drug-fueled phone calls to TMZ, RadarOnline and Alex Jones while flying miles above the earth in a private jet filled with porn stars and coke. (No, really.) CBS has since pulled the plug on Two and a Half Men prompting Charlie to yank his phone back out of a hooker’s ass so he could pen an open letter to Chuck Lorre and make outrageous claims that he’s going to be on HBO now. So first, here’s the letter he sent to TMZ:

What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…
Charlie Sheen

As some of you have pointed out, Charlie Sheen is calling out Chuck Lorre for using a fake name. The same Charlie Sheen whose real name is Carlos Estevez though judging by this letter you’d assume it was Malcolm X. “March to the steps of justice, my brothers and sister, for mediocre sitcom television is your God-given RIGHT!” But it gets even crazier than that because Carlos then contacted RadarOnline to claim he’s leaving CBS for a deal with HBO, so it should be any minute now for the official denial on that:

The Hollywood superstar revealed he was in serious negotiations to star in his own half-hour show, titled Sheen’s Corner — a deal that would reputedly land him a whopping $5 million an episode.
“I’m close to securing a deal with HBO for a 10 show guarantee,” Sheen told’s Dylan Howard, exclusively.
“It will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!”

Of course, the most ridiculous part of this story is Charlie Sheen’s sexless idolizers calling him “the man” and “living the dream.” He’s a fucking diva. Think Lindsay Lohan but with an unholy amount of money in the bank. And that comparison just got even more realistic as the studio behind the new Major League just came out and said Charlie’s off the project citing their experience with Lindsay as an example. Which brings up another point, the defense for Charlie is that he showed up for work and did his job. Except that became less and less of a reality lately. Even before the hernia incident, he’d miss days where no one knew where he was or conveniently have an “ear infection” after trips to Vegas for porn conventions, so not exactly the high-level functioning addict he makes himself out to be. Then he tops it all off by saying he’s more important to the show than the cast, crew and creator because apparently Charlie Sheen writes the script everyday and films it himself. (Although, he does do enough blow to allow the possibility of that being true. I’ll concede that.) At the end of the day, he’s a violent, over-entitled drug addict who’s either going to kill himself this weekend or fly home a hooker short. Am I jealous of that? No, sorry. I enjoy people taking me seriously because I’m not fatally co-dependent on cocaine. That said, please continue with the theories that Charlie is being targeted for speaking “the truth” to Alex Jones and/or going after a Jew. You’ve cracked this case wide open. TAKE UP ARMS, YE BASTIONS OF TRUTH! THE MILLIONAIRE JUNKIE DEMANDS JUSTICE!

UPDATE: And here’s the HBO denial. Like clockwork.

Photos: Getty