Charlie Sheen: ‘HBO Will Pay Me $50 Million For My Fire-Breathing Fists’

February 25th, 2011 // 102 Comments

For those of you just tuning in, Charlie Sheen essentially committed career suicide yesterday by making drug-fueled phone calls to TMZ, RadarOnline and Alex Jones while flying miles above the earth in a private jet filled with porn stars and coke. (No, really.) CBS has since pulled the plug on Two and a Half Men prompting Charlie to yank his phone back out of a hooker’s ass so he could pen an open letter to Chuck Lorre and make outrageous claims that he’s going to be on HBO now. So first, here’s the letter he sent to TMZ:

What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…
Charlie Sheen

As some of you have pointed out, Charlie Sheen is calling out Chuck Lorre for using a fake name. The same Charlie Sheen whose real name is Carlos Estevez though judging by this letter you’d assume it was Malcolm X. “March to the steps of justice, my brothers and sister, for mediocre sitcom television is your God-given RIGHT!” But it gets even crazier than that because Carlos then contacted RadarOnline to claim he’s leaving CBS for a deal with HBO, so it should be any minute now for the official denial on that:

The Hollywood superstar revealed he was in serious negotiations to star in his own half-hour show, titled Sheen’s Corner — a deal that would reputedly land him a whopping $5 million an episode.
“I’m close to securing a deal with HBO for a 10 show guarantee,” Sheen told RadarOnline.com’s Dylan Howard, exclusively.
“It will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!”

Of course, the most ridiculous part of this story is Charlie Sheen’s sexless idolizers calling him “the man” and “living the dream.” He’s a fucking diva. Think Lindsay Lohan but with an unholy amount of money in the bank. And that comparison just got even more realistic as the studio behind the new Major League just came out and said Charlie’s off the project citing their experience with Lindsay as an example. Which brings up another point, the defense for Charlie is that he showed up for work and did his job. Except that became less and less of a reality lately. Even before the hernia incident, he’d miss days where no one knew where he was or conveniently have an “ear infection” after trips to Vegas for porn conventions, so not exactly the high-level functioning addict he makes himself out to be. Then he tops it all off by saying he’s more important to the show than the cast, crew and creator because apparently Charlie Sheen writes the script everyday and films it himself. (Although, he does do enough blow to allow the possibility of that being true. I’ll concede that.) At the end of the day, he’s a violent, over-entitled drug addict who’s either going to kill himself this weekend or fly home a hooker short. Am I jealous of that? No, sorry. I enjoy people taking me seriously because I’m not fatally co-dependent on cocaine. That said, please continue with the theories that Charlie is being targeted for speaking “the truth” to Alex Jones and/or going after a Jew. You’ve cracked this case wide open. TAKE UP ARMS, YE BASTIONS OF TRUTH! THE MILLIONAIRE JUNKIE DEMANDS JUSTICE!

UPDATE: And here’s the HBO denial. Like clockwork.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. It´s me

    God bless him and give him his brain back (a lil bit maybe)

  2. slappy magoo

    I wouldn’t know about Charlie’s fire-breathing fists, I avoid his presence on my TV with my shit-detecting remote.

  3. Charlie Sheen:livin’ la vida de Tara Reid y Lindsay lohan

  4. The Sheen > you

    No monetary measure exists that can adequately quantify the true value of The Sheen.

  5. When they start asking Tom Sizemore to play you in a biopic, you know you’ve gone off the rails.

  6. The Critical Crassness

    I think the comments definitely prove your observations regarding Charlie’s supporters to be true, Mr. Fish! I find them to be as completely in denial as Carlos Estevez is. I noticed that one moron, even spouts the idiotic idea that “Charlie Sheen” is priceless. Perhaps his theory, “No monetary measure exists that can adequately quantify the true value of The Sheen”,is correct. I say this because I am unsure that you could actually express, as a NEGATIVE number, his worthlessness as a human being or for that matter his current worthlessness as an actor.
    Multi-million dollar corporations like Warner Bros and CBS Television do not make decisions regarding revenue producing shows like “Two and a Half Men” based on the emotions of their writers, producers or production staff.
    They base these decisions on the overall impact to their bottom line a star or stars actions might ultimately have.
    Of course, all of you drug addict Charlie Sheen clones wouldn’t have any idea about that because you are too busy trying to find your crack pipe or the razor blade and mirror, so you can do your next line.
    Hopefully, you can all flame-out with Charlie when goes, which should be about Sunday night, Monday at the latest!

  7. Charlie Sheen
    Chuck
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, we totally lost this guy. I think we will be in bankruptucy within a year, and dead within two years.

  8. Charlie Sheen
    Chuck
    Commented on this photo:

    i think HE will be in bankruptucy… I am already. Always been.

  9. Chuck

    We totally lost him. I would say he is a year away from filing for bankruptucy, and will probably die before a couple of years.

  10. Stephanie

    You are correct, Fish. I come here for your unique take on events/pop culture – I love the way you express yourself and quite moral for a guy who mostly post pics of women in bikinis :) xoxox

  11. Randy Quaid

    Randy Quaid here,
    See I told you so, I told you so. My wife and i are NOT having a Shared Psychotic dosorder DSM 297.3 and my wife is NOT Paranoid Personality disorder 301.0- It’s all true, it’s all true!!!!! The stars are being drugged and all the money taken from them- by aliens, and thetons, and THE GOVERNMENT!
    No, it’s not that Carlos Esteves is a cluster B personality disorder- oh NOOOOOOOOOOO… he’s not Borderline, narcissistic and anti-social!
    No one in hollywood is…..

  12. I’m just hoping that people will take this opportunity to realize that they’ve been paying Charlie Sheen to play the same character for the past thirty years but it hasn’t been funny in about twenty.

  13. mean tina

    fish’s best post yet. so on point

  14. Ticonderoga

    Um am i the only one that noticed the deteriorating of the inside of his nostrils???? Wonder where that came from…..

  15. rene

    That’s not a lot of money especially if you do drugs . That money will be gone in no time.

  16. bohokitty

    That pic is fuckin hysterical.

  17. Myclamisaninnie

    I AM HORNY!

  18. Emily

    As always – you put it perfectly. Funny and poignant, you totally nailed this guy Thanks:

    “At the end of the day, he’s a violent, over-entitled drug addict who’s either going to kill himself this weekend or fly home a hooker short. Am I jealous of that? No, sorry. I enjoy people taking me seriously because I’m not fatally co-dependent on cocaine. That said, please continue with the theories that Charlie is being targeted for speaking “the truth” to Alex Jones and/or going after a Jew. You’ve cracked this case wide open. TAKE UP ARMS, YE BASTIONS OF TRUTH! THE MILLIONAIRE JUNKIE DEMANDS JUSTICE!”

  19. mVon

    Team Sheen Baby !

  20. Burt

    Is he really criticizing the guy for using a pseudonym or is he being borderline antisemitic? You know he loves conspiracy theories.

  21. Joseph

    this man is a god

  22. Jennifer caputo

    Charlie you are the man!! If you dont have a deal with HBO then hopefully they will negotiate one with you. It would be a good move for them. I get ao sick and tired of watching the news and seing stars that I admire bashed just because their lives are not perfect. Stars are paid to entertain us not to be roll models for us. Peopls should be more concerned about whats going on in their own lives and not worry so much about other peoples lives.

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