Charlie Sheen: ‘HBO Will Pay Me $50 Million For My Fire-Breathing Fists’

February 25th, 2011 // 102 Comments

For those of you just tuning in, Charlie Sheen essentially committed career suicide yesterday by making drug-fueled phone calls to TMZ, RadarOnline and Alex Jones while flying miles above the earth in a private jet filled with porn stars and coke. (No, really.) CBS has since pulled the plug on Two and a Half Men prompting Charlie to yank his phone back out of a hooker’s ass so he could pen an open letter to Chuck Lorre and make outrageous claims that he’s going to be on HBO now. So first, here’s the letter he sent to TMZ:

What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…
Charlie Sheen

As some of you have pointed out, Charlie Sheen is calling out Chuck Lorre for using a fake name. The same Charlie Sheen whose real name is Carlos Estevez though judging by this letter you’d assume it was Malcolm X. “March to the steps of justice, my brothers and sister, for mediocre sitcom television is your God-given RIGHT!” But it gets even crazier than that because Carlos then contacted RadarOnline to claim he’s leaving CBS for a deal with HBO, so it should be any minute now for the official denial on that:

The Hollywood superstar revealed he was in serious negotiations to star in his own half-hour show, titled Sheen’s Corner — a deal that would reputedly land him a whopping $5 million an episode.
“I’m close to securing a deal with HBO for a 10 show guarantee,” Sheen told RadarOnline.com’s Dylan Howard, exclusively.
“It will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!”

Of course, the most ridiculous part of this story is Charlie Sheen’s sexless idolizers calling him “the man” and “living the dream.” He’s a fucking diva. Think Lindsay Lohan but with an unholy amount of money in the bank. And that comparison just got even more realistic as the studio behind the new Major League just came out and said Charlie’s off the project citing their experience with Lindsay as an example. Which brings up another point, the defense for Charlie is that he showed up for work and did his job. Except that became less and less of a reality lately. Even before the hernia incident, he’d miss days where no one knew where he was or conveniently have an “ear infection” after trips to Vegas for porn conventions, so not exactly the high-level functioning addict he makes himself out to be. Then he tops it all off by saying he’s more important to the show than the cast, crew and creator because apparently Charlie Sheen writes the script everyday and films it himself. (Although, he does do enough blow to allow the possibility of that being true. I’ll concede that.) At the end of the day, he’s a violent, over-entitled drug addict who’s either going to kill himself this weekend or fly home a hooker short. Am I jealous of that? No, sorry. I enjoy people taking me seriously because I’m not fatally co-dependent on cocaine. That said, please continue with the theories that Charlie is being targeted for speaking “the truth” to Alex Jones and/or going after a Jew. You’ve cracked this case wide open. TAKE UP ARMS, YE BASTIONS OF TRUTH! THE MILLIONAIRE JUNKIE DEMANDS JUSTICE!

UPDATE: And here’s the HBO denial. Like clockwork.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Mr.Q

    I’d pay him 50 million

    • Cock Dr

      Charlie has other irons in the fire.
      “Sheen has told TMZ that he plans to pen a “tell-all” memoir about his eight years at “Two and a Half Men.” The title of the book: “When the Laughter Stopped.” And the price tag Sheen is attaching to the tome? A cool $10 million.”

      I pity any ghost writers hired to collaborate with crazy crackhead.

  2. Deacon Jones

    Fish, you’re a little sour this morning

    I think an HBO show would be fucking dynamite. They should get Jimmy Norton and Louis CK on that shit to cohost a couple episodes.

    YOU HEAR THAT CHARLIE? HOOK IT THE FUCK UP!

    • eatme

      Meh. I love sheen anf two and a half men, but Sheen is no Alex Jones, which is who he seems to think he is now. Alex Jones can talk the shit and carry a conversation about nothing long past everyone has stopped listening, but what does Sheen really know? He’s given us a bunch of hilarious quotes, and I think he is awesome, but he hasn’t shown that he could carry such a vehicle, especially not in any other state than totally wasted. Thumbs up on the Louis CK: that guy really deserves a larger audience and never mind “Louie”, “Lucky Louie” should have been such a huge hit that it was still on the air.

  3. dr. dre

    MOTHERFUCKER MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. castallare

    Captain Apathy bridges the underlying tone of this disquieting report into the comments section. Bravo, Cpt. Apathy.

  5. Kate

    I genuinely can’t tell whether those quotes are real or if they’re the comic ones Fish occasionally throws in. Sheen has lost the plot.

  6. JC

    This drama is way better than watching the show itself. Who new Carlos was such a lyrical gangsta

  7. Rough part the internet. Yes, like the red sea

    I wont make it to the million whores match. Unlike Charlie I like to lay low. No media, please!

  8. TEA PARTY PATRIOT

    Borat Hussein bin Boombox Obamao is a child molesting Muslim communist. God bless America and GOD DAMN LIBERALS TO HELL!!!!

  9. It took a dozen strippers and a Bentley full of coke, but it looks like he’s learned to blow that up his own ass.

  10. Peanutty

    Fire breathing fist come in handy when lighting your crack pipe.

  11. dumbass

    “Think Lindsay Lohan but with an unholy amount of money in the bank”? Are you retarded? How about ‘think Lindsay Lohan, but with a decades long list of hollywood blockbusters and 177 episodes in the can of a number one rated sitcom where he is no doubt the star, which the network sold off the first 100 episodes into syndication for $750,000,000.00, and will get a BILLION DOLLARS for the next 100 episodes sold into syndication.’ Sorry, fish, diva or not (he is a diva), when you make over 2 Billion dollars for the network, you can be a diva all you want. Charlie knows his power to make money for the studios and networks, and so do they. He will be back working and getting paid ungodly sums of cash very very soon. His behavior will continue as always, because nobody gives a crap about anything but the money.

  12. Charlie should be on death watch? Somewhere a VH1 producer just came in his pants…

  13. Is it me or is Charlie channeling Tony Montana now??

  14. DKNY

    I think the Sheen has worn off Mr. Estevez. (See what I did there?)

  15. Gavin S.

    You’re going to be disappointed if you think his career is over, just like you were eleventy hunnert times when you said Lohan was going to jail. C’mon, we love a comeback in this country. So naive.

  16. Cock Dr

    Tragic, yet so damned funny.
    Trainwrecks are fun to watch, so long as you’re not friends with any of the hookers & porn stars splattered on the tracks.
    Charlie will likely get a short gig with MTV. They’re always looking for more talent.

  17. Dizzy

    I’ve never seen his show, but this public feud is getting interesting. Does anyone know where I can send my fan letter so his boss will get it?

  18. j-sin

    Haha, Carlos Estevez has a lot of nerve calling people out by their government names!

  19. Peanutty

    He is right, his show was a steaming pile. I am thoroughly enjoying his antics now though.

  20. The HBO thing makes sense now. He was trying to get fired without breaking contract.

    However, I raise Sheen a kilo and two whores that if he gets the show, the ratings will sink in 5 episodes, and in 5 years he’ll be like Robert Downey Jr. minus the charm, talent, and paying gigs.

  21. ghost

    I imagine it gets tiresome dealing with divas. That there comes a point when the money isn’t worth it anymore to put up with the unexplained absences, the volatility, and the tantrums. Sure, he may be living the way he wants but how long is it really going to last? He’ll run out of time or money eventually. He had it all and basically threw it away.

  22. Charlie Sheen
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks WAY to comfortable in this picture. Was Lex Steele also on the jet?

  23. Charlie Sheen
    snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice

  24. The Listener

    You can’t take a drug-addicted tirade seriously. Charlie’s just mad ’cause they won’t let him on the show to film more episodes until he goes to rehab and gets himself cleaned up. But all he wants to do is go back to work to make more money to blow on hookers, booze, and drugs.

  25. Kirk

    Good for Charlie Sheen. More power to him. There is no show without him anyway. He should run for office as a repuglikan. Perfect for that.

  26. Deacon Jones

    Admiral Benson: [after his cap blew off and landed in the sea] Holy Cow! My cap blew off! Swing her round. We’ll pick it up.

    Officer: But, sir, we’re on the mission.

    Admiral Benson: Good thinking. We’ll pick it up on the way back. We gotta mark the spot, though. Put Robinowitz in a life raft. Have him row in circles until we return.

    Officer: It could be days.

    Admiral Benson: Then put some food in the life raft, for god’s sake, man. Do I have to think of everything? We’ll tape his favourite shows, he won’t miss anything.

  27. Charlie Sheen
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    Pussy hound?
    Pure heroin?
    Possesses herpes?
    Profitable hoe?
    Probably homo?

  28. charlie sheen can do anything cos he spends half his life at a holiday inn express

  29. SumitGill

    first

  30. ThatBitchFromTheGym

    This just demonstrates how show business is our version of the Roman Colloseum. Stars like Sheen are gladiators, but instead of having them fight half naked med and lions and shit, we throw them tons of money and cocaine so they can epically destroy themselves.

    No one here can really complain. Does anyone here really care about Charlie Sheen? Fuck no. We’d be bored if he wasn’t doing the crazy shit he’s doing. So, keep it going Sheen. I like a little cocaine and hooker drama with my morning coffee.

  31. Who are you calling ‘sexless’? Are you trying to get in my octagon?

  32. Crabby Old Guy

    Charlie/Carlos’ massive coronary in 3…2…1. With any luck, it’ll be during an interview – making great theater.

  33. Cokie Roberts

    Fire Breathing fists! Damn Jim, must be a drag when you gotta piss or wipe your ass…

  34. Bucky Barnes

    Where prolonged abuse of cocaine and alcohol tends to render others psychotic, it has turned Charlie Sheen into Superman. Good for him!

    • Mafia_mailman

      Um, no. “Superman” is how he FEELS, in reality since he’s been clean for maybe two days, three at the most, he’s got that self-righteous-crackhead-nobody-can-tell-me-how-to-live-my-life rage. I don’t know how many people on here actually know people with his level of addiction (not many people do), but his is pretty standard, and to be perfectly honest, it’s pretty annoying. He sounds just like every other crackhead that’s ever snorted on the Earth. The thing about addicts is, everything they do is reactionary; YOU’RE being pathetic not them, YOU’RE the one who lives their life wrong not them, the rest of the world just doesn’t get it, but somehow they are the only ones who have the golden fucking ticket because they’re special. Well, I guess it’s easy to get into the candy factory when you’re rich and freebasing bales of coke out of Bree Olsen’s ass, but the fleeing of reality can last so long, and it’s about to end for him. Unfortunately, all the money does is make him leap to even more ridiculous and pathetic levels. The sad truth is, if you could see him in person, he would be sweaty, missing parts of his teeth, his skin would be hanging off in weird spots, he’d be overly aggressive, overly sure of himself (and you, even if he just met you), and you would get the distinct impression that he’s trying to kill himself. This kind of tirade usually happens before someone falls off the wagon HARD. If he’s to spare one of his children from following in this same path, he has to die of this. It’s sad, but it is most definitely true. And if one of his kids do follow this way of living, unfortunately they will not be so lucky as to push it as far as he has and get away with it and still have a heartbeat. This is all just deja vu to me…

  35. jonesy

    Anybody know where I can get an octagon, cheap? I want to say “Care to step into my octagon?” all the time, but I’ll need to back that up.

  36. NattyB

    You are all wrong. Charlie Sheen will continue to live and breathe, bang hookers, beat his girlfriends, snort rails, and generally be a pain in the ass, and he will live to be 90 years old. If there is a God, he has a fucked up sense of humor.

  37. Gary B

    Read this

    http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/nt_list.html

    and this

    http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/int/nt_list.html

    Then read about Charlie’s latest antics, he is closer to acting Christlike than most people think Christ acted like.

  38. you are on fire today! on. fuckin. fire!

    • jonesy

      The scary thing is, you’re probably right.

      Porn Star 1: “Hey, do, do, do you think we should put Charlie out?”
      Porn Star 2: “Fuckin’ NAH, he looks happy and I’m fuckin’ rrrrRRRRRacin’!”
      Brooke Mueller: “Is this a plane? Is this really a plane? Are we on set?” Why am I wearing a parachute? Do I have sand in my teeth? Because it feels like I have sand in my teeth.”
      Carlos Estevez: Honey, you’re not on set…YOU’RE IN MY OCTAGON! MZEARLLY RAHAHAHA…TWO AND A HALF BONERZ FROM CEASAR!”

  39. cc

    Charlie, if you are reading this, you can invite me into your octagon anytime. Fuckin’ tough guy.

  40. ludichrisspeed

    They misunderstood him, he said he was going to the WWE to bring back the Barber Shop.

  41. Charlie Sheen
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Suck it Charlie. Suck it hard.

  42. Charlie Sheen
    Brettmucker
    Commented on this photo:

    He is my Idol, Two and a half man would be nothing without him. He is sure living the dream. Whats wrong about banging as many Pornstars as you want. I don´t understand I mean every man secretly would give everything to be Charlie Sheen for one single day.

    Reminds me of Tiger Woods, you are happy with what you do until your wife, manager, boss or mother comes and tells you it is wrong to fuck around like this. Who are they to judge?

  43. Tommy

    You DO realize that when Charlie says “Chaim Levine”, what he means to say is “Jewy McJewstein”.

  44. cc

    Lamest Kasey Jordan impression I’ve ever seen.

  45. Richard McBeef

    Fish knows charlie is awesome but he has to rag on him because jack offs will say that charlie gets a free pass but chris brown (a black man) gets thrown under the bus.

  46. The HBO idea may be premature but it’s an great idea. I haven’t had HBO since Sopranos ended, but I would totally pay to watch Charlie pump a bukkake of awesome over guests every week.

  47. small penis syndrome.

  48. charlie

    never gonna make the coke (charlie) joke?

  49. One wart wide and a lesion long.

  50. RedneckGuru

    At least Charlie gets it. Actors and musicians are put on this earth to entertain the masses. Like dancing monkeys, fire fisted, coke breathing hooker banging monkeys. No one gives a shit about their politics, personal life, religion, etc.

    Dance Monkey dance! He should get a lifetime achievement award before he blows out a heart valve.

    And no I am not being racist by calling him a Monkey…unless I am accidentally posting under the Chris Brown section….

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