Charlie Sheen Fired His Book Agent

March 25th, 2011 // 43 Comments

Charlie Sheen has been threatening to release a scathing tell-all book originally titled “When The Laughter Stopped” before a hooker’s vagina spoke to him and said, “Call it, ‘Apocalypse Me,’ Chahlay. These mangled lips won’t steer you wrong.” Of course, before dropping his literary truth bomb on the world, he was going to need a small amount of compensation. Nothing too big, mind you, just a little something to cover his expenses, so $10 million oughta cover it. And, hey, training a porn star to type isn’t cheap once you factor in the cost of reversing 23 years illiteracy and a sliding pay-scale that immediately landed on Bentley and hasn’t moved since. Anyway, Charlie’s agent had some trouble securing that amount and has found himself no longer employed by Warlock Enterprises, according to Page Six:

Just two weeks ago, McGuigan was shopping a deal to publishers for Sheen’s life story, with the working title “Apocalypse Me.” The former “Two and a Half Men” star wanted a “bitchin’ rock star from Mars”-worthy $10 million for the project. But sources say Sheen has stopped working with McGuigan because he was offered only a “paltry” $1 million by just one publishing house.
Most shied away from Sheen’s memoir, fearing that his erratic rants and his $100 million lawsuit against Warner Bros. and “Two and a Half Men” co-creator Chuck Lorre would leave little left to reveal.

What could Charlie Sheen even say at this point that we haven’t heard no less than 500 times by everyone in our lives that we thought was a douche, but now know for certain? I’ve ex-communicated family members for using Tiger Blood in their Facebook status. That’s how real this shit has got. It’s more divisive than politics.

ME: So, yeah, I’m not really on-board with Republicans like yourself blaming teachers of all people for budget problems just to bust unions and cripple the education system, but then again, maybe more Democrats should’ve got off the couch and pulled a ballot lever. What’re ya gonna do?
RELATIVE: That’s mighty civil of you. So how about that Charlie Sheen? Total badass right?
ME: …. *stabs in the aorta* WE AIN’T KIN NO MO’, YA HEAR ME! WE AIN’T KIN!!!

Photos: WENN

superficial

  1. fumus

    frist!!!!!

  2. tigerbloodadonisdna

    tigerblood…

  3. Jon Hex

    If he handles his book like an “exculsive interview,” the first draft will be released nationwide by crop dusters twenty minutes after he turns it in to the publisher. “Duh, promoting!”

  4. Dan

    “It’s more decisive than politics.”

    This should be: It’s more divisive than politics.

  5. Satan

    AAAAHHHHHhahahahaha we are now seeing desperation set in…then the world will see IT IS
    THE DARK LORD
    WHO IS
    WINNING

  6. JC

    So for quite a while, the highest advance ever given to an author was to Bill Clinton, for $10 million. Apparently Oprah got somewhat more, but hasn’t disclosed the amount. Pope John Paul got something like $8 million. Now, no matter how you feel about those people, the publishers know they would sell assloads of books, and the authors in question actually WROTE the books instead of going on coke binges with prostitutes. And Charlie thought somebody would give him $10 million in the hopes he’d actually write a coherent, publishable book before he dies in a gutter? O.K., Carlos, whatever you say.

  7. If that’s the same agent on the phone during Sheen’s Cornhole then good riddance, just another spineless enabler. A troll if you will..

  8. Cock Dr

    “maybe more Democrats should’ve got off the couch and pulled a ballot lever”
    America deserves the government it gets, so prepare to bend over & get it good & hard.
    Speaking of getting it good & hard:
    http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

  9. Charlie Sheen Book Deal
    Commented on this photo:

    get that fucking thing cut off your head, bitch!

  10. Ed

    LOL $10 million dollars. I think he seriously overestimated the number of idiots, er potential customers, who can read and have money to piss away.

  11. Bullshit alert!

    “I’m not really on-board with Republicans like yourself blaming teachers of all people for budget problems just to bust unions and cripple the education system”
    Can’t you manage to go one week without revealing your cursory knowledge of current affairs? It’s embarrassing. Just keep it pertinent.

    • Virginian

      BS Alert, what are you talking about? The writer for Superficial is a completely legitimate source of political insight. Just the other day, I was asking the guy who bags my recycling here in Brooklyn what I should do with my small cap/bond allocation within my 401k.

      Superficial guy/girl: it’s fucking celeb gossip. I work in marketing for beverage alcohol–I don’t have a slide in the middle of a launch deck espousing my thoughts on exposed brick. I know you like getting a rise out of us “simple people” but you are celebrity gossip. Know your role. I come here to find out the next time someone famous gets arrested. That’s all. Oh, and sideboob.

  12. Charlie Sheen Book Deal
    Meagan
    Commented on this photo:

    Ahh the sweet smell of cocaine-induced flatulence in the morning…

  13. eric

    Money can’t buy class

  14. RoboZombie

    The KING of all douchenozzles!

  15. ghost

    Charlie Sheen was amusing when he first started going off the rails. Now he’s the party guest who tells the same jokes over and over and won’t leave.

  16. I’ve run out of things to say to make Sheen look stupid. He, on the other hand, is just getting warmed up.

  17. NattyB

    Chapter One: “Once upon a troll, in a land full of gaping vaginas, there lived a warlock named Charlie, full of tiger blood and ready to explode on your face with his fire-breathing fists…”

    • zomgbie

      Chapter Two: “Once upon a troll, in a land full of gaping vaginas, there lived a warlock named Charlie, full of tiger blood and ready to explode on your face with his fire-breathing fists…”

      Chapter Three: “Once upon a troll, in a land full of gaping vaginas, there lived a warlock named Charlie, full of tiger blood and ready to explode on your face with his fire-breathing fists…”

  18. Milo

    This is the kind of book that eReader users (iPad/Nook/Kindle) would love. Nobody wants to walk in to Borders or Barnes & Noble and have to look the cashier in the eye as they plop down $24.99 (with the 40% OFF one item Borders coupon of course) for this trash, but people will buy it on their devices and read it on the shitter in anonymity…winning!

  19. You know, if Charlie’s people were REALLY smart, he could be on the next season of “Celebrity Rehab”.
    Or “Intervention”.
    Fuck! Whatever gets Martin Sheen, Emilio Estevez and him in the same scene together would be good enough for me!

  20. sdbb35

    Thank you for injecting some political humor (and truth) into your post. Love it!

  21. Burt

    10 million$? The guy’s aiming. Doesn’t he know his fans are illiterate?

  22. ME: So, yeah, I’m not really on-board with Republicans like yourself blaming teachers of all people for budget problems just to bust unions and cripple the education system, but then again, maybe more Democrats should’ve got off the couch and pulled a ballot lever. What’re ya gonna do?
    RELATIVE: That’s mighty civil of you. So how about that Charlie Sheen? Total badass right?
    ME: …. *stabs in the aorta* WE AIN’T KIN NO MO’, YA HEAR ME! WE AIN’T KIN!!!

    —-
    AAAHAHAHAH gold!!!

  23. dontlooknow

    Smiling smugly through his acne pitted face.

  24. SuperT

    The real problem is he is demanding 10 million space bucks

  25. MaddyMo

    *aorta punctured, gasping last breathes*

    et tu ‘Fish, et tu?

  26. Charlie Sheen Book Deal
    DonDopey
    Commented on this photo:

    When asked for comment, Sheen replied “Ha cha cha cha.”

  27. Jon and Kate Plus Hate

    Yeah them damn Repubs cutting the teachers like that. Definitely should have also included Fire and Police Unions in the legislation, it will come back to harm them I’m telling you.

  28. the one

    charlie just knew what I was thinking?

  29. LJ

    Conan O’Brien, March 24:

    Charlie Sheen is doing a 21-city comedy tour. Being a mentally unstable out of work TV star on tour was my idea.

    @ConanOBrien
    when I applied for Adonis DNA, 6’8″, red hair, freckles & genius was taken. My shot at late night…over, crack here I come! c

    http://twitter.com/charliesheen

  30. Charlie Sheen Book Deal
    Commented on this photo:

    I can’t decide if this is a new low for Shakira or for Charlie.

  31. cc

    The inside of his lungs must look like the La Brea tar pits.

  32. The Most Interesting

    Flawed business model — assuming that Two and a Half Men fans know how to read.

  33. alex

    The amount doesn’t sound completely out of the realm of possibility… considering the world has already completed several spins around the toilet bowl already, this is just the push we need to completely devolve into the parody of our society that we’ve been heading towards for a few years now.

    Amy Adams is Lois Lane and Snookie’s book was firmly planted on the NYT best seller list…these are definitely signs of a coming apocalypse.

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