Charlie Sheen has been threatening to release a scathing tell-all book originally titled “When The Laughter Stopped” before a hooker’s vagina spoke to him and said, “Call it, ‘Apocalypse Me,’ Chahlay. These mangled lips won’t steer you wrong.” Of course, before dropping his literary truth bomb on the world, he was going to need a small amount of compensation. Nothing too big, mind you, just a little something to cover his expenses, so $10 million oughta cover it. And, hey, training a porn star to type isn’t cheap once you factor in the cost of reversing 23 years illiteracy and a sliding pay-scale that immediately landed on Bentley and hasn’t moved since. Anyway, Charlie’s agent had some trouble securing that amount and has found himself no longer employed by Warlock Enterprises, according to Page Six:
Just two weeks ago, McGuigan was shopping a deal to publishers for Sheen’s life story, with the working title “Apocalypse Me.” The former “Two and a Half Men” star wanted a “bitchin’ rock star from Mars”-worthy $10 million for the project. But sources say Sheen has stopped working with McGuigan because he was offered only a “paltry” $1 million by just one publishing house.
Most shied away from Sheen’s memoir, fearing that his erratic rants and his $100 million lawsuit against Warner Bros. and “Two and a Half Men” co-creator Chuck Lorre would leave little left to reveal.
What could Charlie Sheen even say at this point that we haven’t heard no less than 500 times by everyone in our lives that we thought was a douche, but now know for certain? I’ve ex-communicated family members for using Tiger Blood in their Facebook status. That’s how real this shit has got. It’s more divisive than politics.
ME: So, yeah, I’m not really on-board with Republicans like yourself blaming teachers of all people for budget problems just to bust unions and cripple the education system, but then again, maybe more Democrats should’ve got off the couch and pulled a ballot lever. What’re ya gonna do?
RELATIVE: That’s mighty civil of you. So how about that Charlie Sheen? Total badass right?
ME: …. *stabs in the aorta* WE AIN’T KIN NO MO’, YA HEAR ME! WE AIN’T KIN!!!