Charlie Sheen Doesn’t Write His Tweets

March 4th, 2011 // 26 Comments
Charlie Sheen Thundercats J Scott Campbell

Apparently RadarOnline and Charlie Sheen aren’t putting wins in the record book together anymore, because Radar Editor-in-Chief Dylan Howard just went on TV Guide Network’s Hollywood 411 and revealed that Charlie doesn’t even write his own Twitter account:

“I’ll let you know a secret. He doesn’t actually do the tweets himself. He has a “tweet-master” as he calls it. He calls this person on the traditional cell phone, or the house phone when I was there, and says the message that he wants out.”
According to Howard, his name is Bob Maron.

Of course, this makes all kind of sense because, honestly, whether you’re pro-tiger blood or not, I don’t think any of us could realistically see Charlie Sheen sitting in front of a computer trying to contain himself to 140 characters without a hooker getting shot. That said, while it sounds like Charlie is determining the content, it now opens up the possibility that this is just a legal strategy for botching his custody deal with Brooke Mueller, or even worse, we’re missing out on three a.m. tweets declaring himself Lord Cathlar: Supreme Vatican Assassin.

CHARLIE: Bobby. Bobby boy. Got another tweet for you.
BOB: It’s four a.m., Mr. Sheen.
CHARLIE: Winning time, Bobby. Now get on the pussy machine and type this out for me: “Denise Richards’ cunt is the forest moon Endor and I’m motherfucking Darth Vader just up here on my Ass Star bombing Ewoks in half.” Then put that little number sign and “Jedi cock,” all one word.
BOB: Wow, that actually fits.
CHARLIE: Four-dimensional Parcheesi, bitch.
BOB: I think you mean three-dimensional chess.
CHARLIE: Whatever. Alright, now ask me the question.
BOB: *sigh* Are you on high cocaine, Mr. Sheen?
CHARLIE: Fuck yeah I am. Seven gram rocks and I’m just banging them.
BOB: And I’ll just go ahead and delete this.
CHARLIE: Worth your weight in gold, Bobby. Good talk. *hangs up*

(Nightmare scenario. I know.)

Photo: J. Scott Campbell


  1. The Critical Crassness

    Obsession is a horrible thing, Fish….seek professional help now for your Sheen obsession~ either that or get some tiger/Adonis blood for yourself!

  2. Mars

    I’ve been reading the Fish for 4 years, and have never even considered commenting, but that J. Scott Campbell sketch is smells like victory!

  3. I’m an F-18, bro . . .

  4. Siskipedia

    That picture is pretty epic.

  5. Shadow

    Out of a Fight between Chuck Norris or Charlie Sheen.Who would win?

  6. Is he afraid that his fiery fists will melt the keyboard or what? It’s not that hard to tweet.

  7. Splint Chesthair

    So what? It’s still funny. Chuck Norris didn’t write the Chuck Norris things but they’re still funny. Why do people think that I have to love Charlie Sheen and everything about or hate him and wish he was dead? Why can’t I just be entertained?

  8. His highly-paid little cherubs appear to be given Charlie a nice case of raging syphilis induced brain damage.

  9. Moran Patrol

    He does write his own Tweets you fucking idiot. He doesn’t type them.

  10. “Charlie Sheen Doesn’t Write His Tweets”? Who GIVES a fuck!!!

    Seriously. FUCK THIS SHIT!!! Charlie Sheen is a profoundly fucked-up human being and NO ONE should give a shit about how cool he is, how epic his soundbytes are, or how bitchin’ his lifestyle is. And no one should be drawing heroic pictures of him. He’s a prone-to-violence junkie adulterer and philanderer.

    He’s no role model, except in a world gone mad…

  11. Burt

    I thought it was a well-known fact that many celebrities have people managing their Twitter and Facebook accounts for ‘em.

  12. the captain


  13. juaquin ingles

    The best Charlie line was when he compared Errol Flynn and Keith Richards to “droopy-eyed, limbless children.” Fuckin classic.

    • The Critical Crassness

      Charlie didn’t compare them, his “Soundbite Writer” compared them. Charlie couldn’t compare black and white as stoned as he is on himself or whatever he is calling his meth today! In reality, I don’t believe, Charlie Sheen, great student of acting technique that he is, even knows who Errol Flynn was.

  14. Is “Tiger” a veiled reference to how many holes he’s hittin?

  15. Linda

    Man, u guys at The Superficial are funny as hell.
    Keep up the good work :)

  16. K

    Pls keep the Charlie articles coming. They are super entertaining!

  17. Ill Rough you just the way you are

    sunavabitch! Ive been looking for a rough master for so long in order to cut back on the missed grammars and spellings around here…Had no idea it was so hard to be 0 size.

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