Everybody Wants Charlie Sheen’s Kids

“You know what would be great up here on this balcony? Babies. Soft, malleable babies.”

Last week, surveillance footage showed a cracked-out Brooke Mueller attempting to pawn a watch and stereo 24 hours before she was scheduled to take a drug test which she then refused. She’s since checked herself into rehab as a preemptive strike against Charlie Sheen who’s in court today to fight her for full custody of their twin sons. Except, like the drug addict moron he also is, he wants to take them on tour with him. Because the best place for two babies is constantly in the air whenever they’re not at venues where their father is one catchphrase away from getting a bottle whipped at his face.

In the meantime, Denise Richards has stepped up and offered to assume informal custody of the twins while Charlie is on tour, but he’s going to go ahead and pursue the cart them around like trophies thing first. Of course, after hearing this, Brooke Mueller’s mom – who’s been the one actually raising the babies all this time – is planning to fight Charlie in court, according to TMZ:

Moira Fiore is telling friends, “We’ve been with the kids since they were born, and Charlie has only seen the kids a couple of times in the last few months.”

Keep in mind that Brooke’s mom believed her daughter was at the pawn shop for “a friend,” so I can’t help but think the Bible had things figured out with the whole chop babies in half thing. I don’t see how that’s not the best for all parties. Case in point: Charlie just showed up to court with a “goddess,” so he can argue with the judge that a glorified prostitute should raise his children. I’m pretty sure I could pull up in a rickety van while wearing a bloody clown costume and have a better chance at winning custody.

UPDATE: He lost.

Photos: Splash News, WENN