Everybody Wants Charlie Sheen’s Kids

April 19th, 2011 // 38 Comments

“You know what would be great up here on this balcony? Babies. Soft, malleable babies.”

Last week, surveillance footage showed a cracked-out Brooke Mueller attempting to pawn a watch and stereo 24 hours before she was scheduled to take a drug test which she then refused. She’s since checked herself into rehab as a preemptive strike against Charlie Sheen who’s in court today to fight her for full custody of their twin sons. Except, like the drug addict moron he also is, he wants to take them on tour with him. Because the best place for two babies is constantly in the air whenever they’re not at venues where their father is one catchphrase away from getting a bottle whipped at his face.

In the meantime, Denise Richards has stepped up and offered to assume informal custody of the twins while Charlie is on tour, but he’s going to go ahead and pursue the cart them around like trophies thing first. Of course, after hearing this, Brooke Mueller’s mom – who’s been the one actually raising the babies all this time – is planning to fight Charlie in court, according to TMZ:

Moira Fiore is telling friends, “We’ve been with the kids since they were born, and Charlie has only seen the kids a couple of times in the last few months.”

Keep in mind that Brooke’s mom believed her daughter was at the pawn shop for “a friend,” so I can’t help but think the Bible had things figured out with the whole chop babies in half thing. I don’t see how that’s not the best for all parties. Case in point: Charlie just showed up to court with a “goddess,” so he can argue with the judge that a glorified prostitute should raise his children. I’m pretty sure I could pull up in a rickety van while wearing a bloody clown costume and have a better chance at winning custody.

UPDATE: He lost.

Photos: Splash News, WENN


  1. bassface

    Maple Leafs never made the playoffs, and their team name is a grammatical error. #losing

  2. Ed

    It’s hard to be bi-polar when you’re high ALL THE TIME!

  3. Bucky Barnes

    With their genes it surprising those kids don’t have 3 heads and six legs each. They’re a lost cause, might as well award joint custody to Snooki and The Situation.

  4. Jenny with a Y

    Somebody needs to help that turtle back into his shell.

  5. What’s Gaddafi doing in Toronto?

  6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Adonis!™

  7. jumpin_j

    I hope his publicist get combat pay.

  8. Mr Winning’s in DC tonite! Bet he’ll sound fresh as a douched vagina after a custody battle and transcontinental flight

  9. Jess

    He’s starting to look like he’s being exorcised by Glenn Shadix

  10. Charlie Sheen Custody
    Commented on this photo:

    If this happened last week we can assume that Charley knows about it, yet he hasn’t said one word on the subject. Tells you how much he cares about his kids.

  11. So is old man chic now an actual fashion statement?

  12. It still amazes how sane Denise Richards comes off in all of this, especially considering she is three quarters retarded.

  13. Gavagai

    “I’m not Bi-Polar… There’s actually a treatment for that.”

  14. elmer the fudd

    6 months tops before the funeral.

  15. Charlie Sheen Custody
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    Apparently the Fountain of Youth is somewhere on the set of Two-and-a-Half Men. Mr. Sheen has lost access to it. The rate of decay means that by mid June he’ll be a pile of dust. A pile of human remains dust lying in a pile of cocaine dust.

  16. Charlie Sheen Custody
    Commented on this photo:

    “Charlie… Charlie”!! Here you go, man. These wristbands offer improved sweat absorbency for maximum baggie control. Compliments of the Pittsburgh Pirates.”

  17. Wotwot

    Who said anything about being Bi-Polar? Lay off the crack pipe.

  18. Charlie Sheen Custody
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d be disappointed if I waited in line for three hours just to see another homeless guy stand on a car. He’s in Toronto for Christ-sakes, Bob “the knife weilding hobo” will do that shit for free and on command.

  19. Charlie Sheen Custody
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like he smells like pee.

  20. Charlie Sheen Custody
    Commented on this photo:

    SHHHH…. I can’t hear the voices in my head.

  21. Marceelf

    Those kids would be safer dropped into a tiger enclosure than with any of these self-obsessed freaks, and that includes Brooke’s mom. She did such an awesome job with Brooke, let’s give her a few more kids to try out.

  22. titsonsnack

    How old is he? Because he looks one million.

  23. youcandieNOW

    I’ve got a couple of empty closets those kids could stay in. I’d get that check for $50,000 a month, right?

  24. Brother can you spare a dime?

    You’d knew never this guy has bazillions by look at him…in this picture in particular I’d have to throw a quarter his way or bring him wine in a paper bag.

  25. He looks like he should be scalping tickets for a show, not HEADLINING it…honest to God if I saw this man walking down the st at night, I’d cross the street, put my car keys in between my fingers as “weapons” and start having a pretend conversation with 911.

  26. cc

    The Leafs. NOT ‘Winning!’


  27. Michelle

    I thought Dennis Hopper died.

  28. kitty kat

    the hat convinced me. not the erratic behavior or anything that comes out of his mouth. it’s the HAT!

  29. Oh Boy

    Winning spells L-O-S-E-R. Nicely done, Charlie.

  30. karl anglin

    Charlie Sheen’s booze and drug use have sure done a
    number on his looks!

  31. M-O-O-N, that spells winning!

  32. Ish KaBibble

    Any actuarial pools out there?

    Charlie, we hardly knew ye.

  33. Elf

    “As you can see my young apprentice, your friends at Warner have failed. Now, witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational tigerblood!”

  34. Charlie Sheen Custody
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow – this is the best thing to happen to the Toronto Maple Leafs since 1967. Winning!

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