Charlie Sheen Responds to Ashton Kutcher Casting

May 13th, 2011 // 33 Comments

“In coke-filled day, in hooker-less night, nothing shall escape my Warlock sight.”

Clearly, Charlie Sheen has only just now lodged his head out of a goddess’s catcher’s mitt of a vagina because it’s taken him over 18 hours to issue a crazy reaction to Ashton Kutcher replacing him on Two and a Half Men. I remember a time when he would’ve immediately crashed an F18 into news like this before proclaiming himself Lord MonsterBalls of Mars. Those were simpler times. Nobler times. TMZ reports:

“Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer … Oh wait, so am I!! … Enjoy the show America. Enjoy seeing a 2.0 in the demo every Monday, WB. … Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there.”

For those of you just tuning in, Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher are fighting over a show nobody younger than your dad watches and painting it as an epic battle over the fate of comedy as we know it. Although, in one episode, the little kid mistakes Charlie’s Viagra for vitamins, so to their credit, I can’t see how the future of canned laughter doesn’t hang in the balance here.

Photo: Splash News


  1. mike nike

    Kutcher is way funnier than Sheen.

  2. RoboZombie

    I wish a car carrying BOTH of these douchebags would fly off a cliff into a lava bed filled with man-eating, lav-proof sharks!

  3. Now we can add jazz-hands to this man’s endless list of talents.

  4. Bucky Barnes

    Ashton: “Man, when I think of all the grandmas I had to sleep with to get where I am today…”

  5. It had to be said

    I hate to say it, but Charlie kind of disappointed me. He does not rip Kutcher at all. He keeps his old Chuck Lorre feud going, but doesn’t take the opportunity to create a celebrfeud with Ashton and Granny Bolt-ons. Boo. Apparently Warlocks are bitches.

    • RoboZombie

      Granny Bolt-Ons!! LMAO

      It’s funny, because at first you look at Ashton and Charlie and see them having totally different tastes in women, but if you look closer , Ashton digs the old lady with the old and tired va-jay-jay and Charlie likes the young ones with the mangled va-jamboes!

  6. When Ashton finally reveals that Charlie got Punk’d, there will be enough ‘#winning’s for him to finally pay off Demi’s debt to Satan.

  7. Ed

    The funniest episode was when someone got killed in Charlie’s bedroom and when the CSIs came with the black light to look for bodily fluids the whole room lit up light christmas.

    • RasputinsLiver

      With most actors you know for the most part they’re acting, pretending.

      In this rare case what made 2 1/2Men work for me was the knowledge it was basically written for Charlie to play himself, a guy who really is as cynical, jaded, and corrupted as the character.

      Then add Sheen’s natural snideness against Cryer’s pantywaistedness, their mother, the housekeeper, Rose, and, of course, the kid (best in the middle years of the show), and there’s was a reason it was a big hit.

      Just watching him build to a froth and letting loose was what had me coming back every week. Until I finally got pissed at how much I had to pay for cable/dish and just cut the fucker off.

      Lorre can retool the show to bring on a new character for the tool Kutcher, but that’s not what the show was and has been about. He just hasn’t got that Sheen coke-fueled sour manicness.

  8. a pornstar

    all I get from this is that my job sucks. who do i need to fuck to get some zeros put on my pay check?

  9. noooooooo

    “Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer … Oh wait, so am I!! …”

    Pretty sure his bombed original format and poor stage abilities have shown he’s far from brilliant. But it’s Charlie so he can always just snort the troubles away.

  10. RasputinsLiver


    Kutcher’s such an unfunny, lame-assed, pantywaisted pretty boy.

    Can’t act for shit. Not even a good cinematic stoner. No Sean Penn/Jeff Spicoli, that’s for sure.

    The show was written with Charlie Sheen in mind. It was about just watching his frustratio­n build up to a sudden explosion of sarcastic outrage .

    The show worked because of Charlie’s natural “get off my lawn, you damn kids!” middle age crankiness and his sudden bursts of sarcastic frustratio­n with the people around him gettin’ in his way of tryin’ to chill and get laid.

    Not only does Sheen embody that naturally. But he also looks the part, worn, world weary.

    Kutcher’s too much of a pretty boy. All he’s got is one trick pony goofiness and his pretty boyness. That’s it. AND…he’s a mama’s boy.

  11. tlmck

    Not a Kutcher or Sheen fan. However, the original premise for the show was “The Odd Couple” with a kid. I think they are counting on Kutcher’s Facebook fans to increase ratings. Unfortunately, they will lose more than they gain. What we will probably see is a Kelso like surfer bum which will not work. If they really, really wanted to kill it, they should have got David Spade.

    Show over.

  12. Veronica

    At least there will be no more of Charlie’s girlfriend Chelsea. I forgot about the episode where the kid takes viagra. It really wasn’t an hilarious premise. I felt awkward watching it.

    Charlie was quite gracious in his response. He could have really let loose.

    • googoogaga

      ARE YOU KIDDING ME Chelsea was one of the hottest girls to be on that show!!! I totally loved watching her big boobs!

    • googoogaga34534

      ARE YOU KIDDING ME REALLY REALLY? Chelsea was one of the hottest girls to be on that show!!! I totally loved watching her big boobs!

      She was so HOT

  13. I’m not a big Ashton fan but hey it’s Hollywood, they fuck each other like they’re hillbillies. The worst part of this is that they are going to parade out those f*cking ugly Roger Ramjet chinned kids of Demi and bruce as often as possible before the show gets sh!tcanned.

  14. Exactlywhatimtalkingabout

    Mr. Superficial writer up till now I have respected you but your comment just now about Two and a Half men is grossly incorrect. The show is very entertaining and is viewed by men of all ages….. maybe you do not fit the criteria to be a part of the audience.

    • duh

      the show is cheesy and was made for idiot middle-americans. i agree that the fish’s age group assumption is incorrect, as i suspect the older you are, the more you realize how terrible and not funny the show is. if you are older than 16 and like this show, you are retarded

  15. the captain

    ………….he don’t want any help.

  16. Whyask

    Simply put: I won’t watch anymore.

    I did…

  17. Obama who? Charlie Sheen For President 2012!!!

  18. assman

    Charlie Sheen’s contract guarantees he gets paid for every episode they make, whether he’s in it or not. Chuck Lorre is a stupid cunt, and will be paying Sheen 2 million an episode next season to sit home and bang hookers, also will be paying Kutcher $600,000 an episode to suck, and halfway through next season, the show will be cancelled and Chuck Lorre will be sitting home wondering how his brilliant plan failed. You don’t fuck with the talent on a number 1 rated show that makes hundreds of millions for the network in syndication deals.

  19. laing
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t care what they do to try and replace you, it will never be the same. You were awesome actor and will alway be…hopefully they will kept the repeats on…I still get a good laugh. Charile is wayyyyy better than Ashton..sorry offense!

    A fan of Charlie!

  20. augustofretes

    “For those of you just tuning in, Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher are fighting over a show nobody younger than your dad watches and painting it as an epic battle over the fate of comedy as we know it.”

    This is absurd. The show is one of the most successful ever. Also, I’m probably half the age than the writer of this article.

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