Here’s Your Live-Action Christian Grey, Ladies

September 3rd, 2013 // 28 Comments

Oh, good, he’s already read the book.

It seems like every week for at least the past two years, some famous movie star has been rumored to be one of the leads in Fifty Shades of Grey, the Twilight fan fiction turned erotic bestseller because your mom’s into some freaky shit. But now, finally, the suspense is over because producers have found their high-powered superstars and it’s… Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson? I know the first one is Jax Teller (and Jaegar Maverick), but I have no clue what the hell a Dakota Johnson is, so I’ll just assume Dakota Fanning evolves like a Pokémon and make a note to catch her later with my Charizard. Via Us Weekly:

“Good moaning all. Hold on to your hats…” the author [E.L. James] wrote Monday, Sept. 2. “I am delighted to let you know that the lovely Dakota Johnson has agreed to be our Anastasia in the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey.”
“So… Christian…” she then teased. “The gorgeous and talented Charlie Hunnam will be Christian Grey in the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey.”

I’ll be honest, the only thing I know about Fifty Shades of Grey is that it involves weird dominant, submissive sex that may or may not include pube-pulling which makes me extremely qualified to write this scene the filmmakers should probably take a look at:

You call this a Windsor knot? Get in my office so I can fist you with a giant robot.

I can’t, successful business man who’s definitely not a teenage vampire with sparkling skin,
I’m a good girl. And yet I know I want it. I know I need it. It’s as if there are lines, but
they’re blurred…

That’s great. Look, I got called into a meeting, so just sit at my desk in a wedding dress
and pee in it until I get back.

Isn’t that a scene from Secretary?


Anndddd… cue your mom masturbating. BOOM. Cut it. Print.

Photos: Getty


  1. JC

    Cue 15 months of unappealing morning show hosts talking about how wet they get when they think of getting pube-tugged by Jax Teller.

  2. So glad my wife and all of her friends are pissed about this casting.

    So glad

  3. Beer for thought

    My thoughts on this movie just went from mildly interested to full on can’t contain myself. Where the hell are my rubber boots? Suck it Boon, heeellll yeah Charlie!

    • Just hope it doesn’t totally annihilate his career….

      • RAM1780

        Agreed Beer for Thought. Agreed. CH kicks major Jaeger d*ck as Jax Teller on SOA! Really hoping this isn’t career suicide…well, that and that he doesn’t turn into a d*uchelord after of all this either. Then I’d just have to kill myself.

  4. At least it’s not Ben Affleck.

  5. Charlie Hunnam Dakota Johnson Fifty Shades of Grey
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I tried to be interested because I want to encourage movies to be made that aren’t meant to babysit the kids. These photos of the lead male actor aren’t helping….IMO he looks too much like a well fed jock.

    • Beer for thought

      Bad pics, google him. Everyone seems to be posting horrible pictures of him, hmm I wonder why? (must be male editors).

    • Walter White

      He looks like a total bro in most of the shots online.

      • Beer for thought

        Well at least he doesn’t act like one, he actually comes off as very charming in interviews and is a great actor IMO (undeclared, SOA, Abandon, 123 Frankie go boom)
        He can totally pull it off, people will be surprised. And even if he can’t we still get to see him naked.


  6. DocJ

    Hey its Lloyd…

  7. If memory serves Dakota Johnson is Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s kid. Guess this means she can’t act and won’t age well. Good luck with that.

  8. Didn’t read the books, won’t see the movie. Sons of Anarchy kind of rules. About all I have to offer here.

  9. This movie is going to be a joke. There’s no way a studio will go out on a limb for an NC-17 movie to be released in theaters, it won’t do well. But, if this movie is rated R, there won’t be anything left of it that the Mommy Porn crowd loved… they didn’t read it for the plot. That’s like saying you read Playboy for the articles. So, either way, this movie is going to bomb.

    I’d rather punch myself in the face, repeatedly, than watch/read 50 Shades of Grey.

  10. gigi

    I dunno…. had no interest in the book and I don’t know these f*ers… are these good choices? it’s supposed to be sexy right?

  11. Eejut

    I think they should have gone with Tom Arnold.

    The movie will bomb.

  13. anonym

    Before I clicked the thumbnail picture, I thought he was giving a blowjob through his head in sign language.

  14. Charlie Hunnam Dakota Johnson Fifty Shades of Grey
    Dr. Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Spencer Pratt is going to be Christian Grey?

  15. Porkpie

    Dang! Charlie gets to tie up Dakota Johnson and do her any way he pleases. Again and again, until the scene is right. Such a tough job.

  16. Charlie Hunnam Dakota Johnson Fifty Shades of Grey
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh man! I want to tie her up, too!

  17. jive

    Charlie Hunnam was the lead in Green Street Hooligans, I think.

    Good movie….despite the presence of Hobbits.

  18. I wonder if halfway through the movie he will find letters from his dad who wanted to get out of the S&M business but got murdered by his old lady and her secret boyfriend who was also his best friend. Then they’ll go to Ireland and kidnap a baby.

  19. Charlie Hunnam Dakota Johnson Fifty Shades of Grey
    Commented on this photo:

    The Brad Pitt without a neck.

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