Here’s Your Live-Action Christian Grey, Ladies

Oh, good, he’s already read the book.

It seems like every week for at least the past two years, some famous movie star has been rumored to be one of the leads in Fifty Shades of Grey, the Twilight fan fiction turned erotic bestseller because your mom’s into some freaky shit. But now, finally, the suspense is over because producers have found their high-powered superstars and it’s… Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson? I know the first one is Jax Teller (and Jaegar Maverick), but I have no clue what the hell a Dakota Johnson is, so I’ll just assume Dakota Fanning evolves like a Pokémon and make a note to catch her later with my Charizard. Via Us Weekly:

“Good moaning all. Hold on to your hats…” the author [E.L. James] wrote Monday, Sept. 2. “I am delighted to let you know that the lovely Dakota Johnson has agreed to be our Anastasia in the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey.”
“So… Christian…” she then teased. “The gorgeous and talented Charlie Hunnam will be Christian Grey in the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey.”

I’ll be honest, the only thing I know about Fifty Shades of Grey is that it involves weird dominant, submissive sex that may or may not include pube-pulling which makes me extremely qualified to write this scene the filmmakers should probably take a look at:

You call this a Windsor knot? Get in my office so I can fist you with a giant robot.

I can’t, successful business man who’s definitely not a teenage vampire with sparkling skin,
I’m a good girl. And yet I know I want it. I know I need it. It’s as if there are lines, but
they’re blurred…

That’s great. Look, I got called into a meeting, so just sit at my desk in a wedding dress
and pee in it until I get back.

Isn’t that a scene from Secretary?


Anndddd… cue your mom masturbating. BOOM. Cut it. Print.

Photos: Getty