Catherine Zeta Jones Has Terrible Fears

You know, I have a few fears. Penis in the zipper. Clowns eating me while I sleep. Showering with Kirk Cameron. Catherine Zeta Jones, on the other hand, fears having her fashion choices criticized as she walks down the red carpet.

“Just being ‘the actress’,” she says, “usually if you walk down a red carpet you have like 20 people from different magazines critiquing you: ‘What she wore.’ ‘Was it a faux pas?’ For example, the Oscars: I’m more nervous walking down the red carpet because of somebody saying how awful I look, or whatever.”

Shouldn’t she be worrying about, I don’t know, celebrity-killing ninjas, or having a husband who drinks the blood of the living to sustain his immortality? Sometimes I fantasize about putting these people in a trailer park in West Virginia for a month, just to see how long it would take for their brains to melt, or for them to electrocute themselves on the toaster. But mostly because I want hot girls living next door.