Archive for the ‘Hot Bodies’ Category

Marky Mark Skipped Donnie Wahlberg & Jenny McCarthy’s Wedding

September 2nd, 2014 // 19 Comments

Probably coz Jenny McCarthy’s gawddamn tits make you wanna mastahbate, and when you mastahabate you ain’t gawt enough strength to stawp 9/11, frickin’ Mahky Mahk didn’t even go to his brotha Donnie’s weddin’ in frickin’ Chicago. But he did send him this wickid pissah video on Instagram which the cheap bastahd prawbly counted as a weddin’ gift. How’s Donnie s’posed to buy a gawddamn cheese slicer at gawddamn Crate and Barrah wit a gawddamn video? It ain’t like frickin’ cash or nahtin’.

Mark Wahlberg’s Wedding Message To Donnie After The Jump

Nicole Scherzinger’s In A Bikini And Other News

September 2nd, 2014 // 7 Comments

- A Message From The Superficial [Facebook]

- Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are banging in Canada. [Lainey Gossip]

- It’s Angelina Jolie‘s wedding dres- HOLY SHIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER HANDS? [Dlisted]

- Labor Day Bikinis [theCHIVE]

- No, she’s not right. Fuck you, Demi Lovato! [Fishwrapper]

- Frisky Rant: I Don’t Understand Why You People Smoke Pot [The Frisky]

- A bikini coffee shack full of hookers? Tell me more of this heaven. [WWTDD]

- The Notebook will make you fuck your sister. Burn every copy. Burn them now. [Death and Taxes]

- Alexis Ren in lingerie. [Popoholic]

- Ashlee Simpson apparently got married. Neat? [Starpulse]

- Carrie Underwood is pregnant if anyone gives a shit. [tooFab]

- Miley Cyrus is going to be naked again soon. [IDLYITW]

- Courtney Robertson‘s sexy car wash. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Joe Mangianello is apparently fucking Sofia Vergara right. [Celebslam]

- Paris Hilton DJs in a bikini? I believe that’s called stripping. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: AKM-GSI

Kate Upton Has Leaked Nude Photos, Too

August 31st, 2014 // 70 Comments
Hilary Duff, Too?!
Hilary Duff Legs Butt
Wait A Minute,
Is This A Joke? Read More »

So remember that scene in Ghostbusters when Peck shuts down the containment unit and floods the entire city with ghosts? Well, today’s been like that except with every single celebrity naked instead of the undead. I’m doing my best to stay away from them (WHICH I HAVE ALL DAY YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING) because I’d prefer not to get sued right the fuck off the Internet, but sometimes a man has to stare death in the eyes and show everybody giant breasts. So here’s a link to the alleged Kate Upton nude photos (NSFW) which seem to fly in stark contrast to her Ice Bucket Challenge where she might as well have worn a nun’s habit. And, wow, apparently this post can get more erotic. I didn’t think I had it in me.

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Here’s Coco’s Giant Anus Because F*ck It

August 29th, 2014 // 117 Comments

So it took me at least two hours to get Rihanna up, and I practically forced these Coco bikini pics into the site using a crowbar because apparently our database has “corrupt tables,” and I can’t even tell you who the hell’s bribing them. Couple that with a distinct lack of Photo Boy, and I’m taking a mental health day before I’m outside Hilary Duff‘s house again disguised as a trash can. If she’d just wear this dress I made with my pub- Anyway, a special thanks to the criminally understaffed product team who’s been putting out no less than eight million fires across the company this week. You guys (and gal) somehow keep our sites running and could use some more co-workers instead of Directors of Sticky Widgets or whatever bullshit positions somebody came up with for cachet. Fingers crossed we’ll start heading in that direction. In the meantime, enjoy Coco whose epic struggle to stay on an inflatable raft is the perfect metaphor for me trying to publishing anything today.

See you after the holiday, and follow us on Facebook or Twitter (below) where I’m sure I’ll be bitching about something all weekend. I have no life.

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Photos: Splash News

Rihanna’s In A Bikini And Other News

August 29th, 2014 // 16 Comments

- Jessica Alba‘s organic diaper company is worth a billion dollars. A BILLION. [Lainey Gossip]

- I’m going to assume James Haven‘s response will be “Muuuurrder…” [Dlisted]

- A Bikini A Day Keeps The Doctor Away [theCHIVE]

- Ariana Grande‘s brother is a fucking douchebag. [Fishwrapper]

- I love how the solution here was basically, “Bitch, just clean your damn purse.” [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Johanna Lundback. [Popoholic]

- Kendall finally realizes her last name is tainted. [WWTDD]

- Joan Rivers is “resting comfortably” and presumably telling Death it has a small dick. [Starpulse]

- The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story is stressing people out. AS IT GODDAMN SHOULD. [tooFab]

- Are you black and just waiting to pick your kids up at day care? Suck Taser, thug! [Death and Taxes]

- The NFL will only let you hit a woman once now. And, okay, probably a second time. [IDLYITW]

- Hilary Duff is becoming already the hottest MILF. I fixed it for you. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Celebslam Presents: It’s Cold Outside [Celebslam]

- Jesus Christ, Lizzie Caplan posing for Rolling Stone. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

Beyonce’s Dad: ‘The Divorce Rumors Were A Hoax To Sell Tickets’

August 28th, 2014 // 15 Comments
Beyonce Is Beneath Kim
Beyonce VMAs
You Are No Longer Worthy! Read More »

So one of two things are happening here: 1. Matthew Knowles reads the Internet and saw of all your conspiracy theories about Beyonce and Jay Z‘s divorce. 2. You’re all fucking detectives who probably solve murders in Hawaii without even inviting me. Goddammit. Page Six reports:

Sometimes rumors “ignite” tours, he explained. “The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot of times. So things you see sometimes are [makes poof noise],” he said.
When asked if he thought the now famous elevator fight between Jay Z and Solange was staged, Knowles refused to go into details but said, “Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”

Okay, so they made a shitload of money in ticket sales. That’s cool, I guess, but Chris Martin got to bang Jennifer Lawrence, so I’mma let you finish, but Gwyneth Paltrow had the greatest divorce OF ALL TIME. (You know she’s saying that shit into a $48,000 Chakra mirror while conditioning her pubic hair with Allosaurus marrow. Don’t even pretend she’s not.)

Photos: INFphoto

Joan Rivers Is Probably Dead (Update: Or Not)

August 28th, 2014 // 42 Comments

Seen here making fun of Anne Hathaway‘s vagina as I’ll always remember her, Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning after she stopped breathing during surgery on her vocal chords. According to TMZ, her heart also stopped beating with no word on whether it started again, so… yeah. In related news, Lindsay Lohan and Abe Vigoda have issued a joint statement promising to tread lightly across humanity’s bones during their infinite reign. “For we are God’s cockroaches,” they said, “And God’s cockroaches shall respect those who came before even as your dust paves the streets of our kingdom of death. For as it is written”

UPDATE: According to Ken Baker, Joan has been upgraded to stable condition because apparently 81-year-old women do that after their 900th surgery. This is why I stopped pretending to be a doctor.

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Lara Bingle Is Topless

August 28th, 2014 // 56 Comments

Remember Sam Worthington? That guy who was in every single movie that came out between 2009 and 2010? It’s not important. Here’s his girlfriend Lara Bingle‘s giant naked breasts just like I promised you in the Jon Stewart post which makes me more accurate than The Bible. Not that I wasn’t already, but sometimes it’s important to point that out in a post no one’s going to read because giant naked breasts. I’m a profile in courage.

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