Archive for the ‘Hot Bodies’ Category

James Franco Did Not Bang Lindsay Lohan

March 27th, 2014 // 26 Comments
The Client List: Part 2
Lindsay Lohan Side Boob
Of Course There's A Sequel Read More »

Two weeks ago, In Touch “somehow” got a hold of a handwritten list of celebrities that Lindsay Lohan‘s had sex with. Except one of the people on that list wants to make it abundantly clear he did not bang Lindsay to the point that he brought it up without prompting while promoting his latest book of dicknose poetry. Via LA Magazine:

You wrote about several celebrities in this book, including a couple of poems about Lindsay Lohan. Have you gotten any response from any of these people?
No, I didn’t write anything bad about them. And Lindsay herself has told lies about me with her people-she’s-slept-with list! So I feel like what I said is much less than what she’s said.

While it behooves James Franco to deny sticking his penis in Lindsay Lohan, his argument is that 200% of the words out of her mouth are a lie which is one of the few undeniable constants in this world. So even if James Franco really did have sex with her, the fact that she said he did immediately makes that statement false. For example, if Lindsay Lohan said the events of 9/11 happened, the World Trade Center would magically reappear and thousands of American soldiers would suddenly return to life instead of being dead from two bullshit wars. Except she won’t do that because there’s no coke or international sex work in it for her, so really, when you think about it, she’s actually worse than Osama Bin Laden. The logic checks out.

Photos: Splash News

‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Has A Trailer

March 27th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer
WATCH: 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Official Trailer

Here’s the official trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles which looks exactly like what you’d expect from a Ninja Turtle movie made by Michael Bay and the director of Battle Los Angeles. That said, I didn’t see any testicles or giant turtle dicks, so I hope every single person involved gets AIDS in the mouth. (Can you tell I’m getting back into serious film critic mode? I was trying to be subtle.)

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Metaphysically Unaligning Herself From Thespiatic Endeavors

March 27th, 2014 // 38 Comments
'Conscious Uncoupling'
Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks For Sharing Premiere
USE REAL WORDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD Read More »

Now that she’s consciously uncoupled from Chris Martin because divorce is what you, the little people, do (I bet you don’t even buy each other uncoupling gifts, you unwashed beggar’s bazaar.) Gwyneth Paltrow will now transcendentally acquit herself of acting and don’t say quit or she’ll stab you with her gilded pheasant deboning knife. E! News report:

Gwyneth Paltrow Works Harder Than Every Mom After The Jump

Good Morning, Nicole Aniston, And Other News

March 27th, 2014 // 30 Comments

- The Tom Cruise jerking off pic cracks me up every time. EVERY. TIME. [Lainey Gossip]

- We’re officially one horseman shy of the apocalypse. [Dlisted]

- This is a gallery full of hot redheads. [theCHIVE]

- Lady GaGa is recycling PR stunts now. [Fishwrapper]

- Samuel L. Jackson is a vegan now. I feel like someone just shot the last unicorn. [WorldLifestyle]

- Dear Christian schools, the Internet will find you. [The Frisky]

- Wikipedia tells holistic medicine to eat a dick. [The Daily Banter]

- Selena Gomez is getting really good at Instagram. [Popoholic]

- And now Joan Rivers on Lena Dunham. [tooFab]

- What’s up, Macri Elena Velez Sanchez in a bikini? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Glenn Beck didn’t like Noah? I don’t believe it. [FilmDrunk]

- Good goddamn, Nina Agdal… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

Oh, Yeah, Anna Wintour Made The Right Call

March 26th, 2014 // 49 Comments
Get Tested, Kylie
Kim Kardashian Bikini Kylie Jenner
Get Tested Now. Trust Me. Read More »

Now that Kim Kardashian‘s on the cover of Vogue, she’s theoretically “made it,” and shouldn’t have to resort to tricks like walking around New York in a see-through dress now that she’s a member of the fashion elite. Except wearing respectable clothing won’t give her a cheap and easy shot of attention thanks to undersexed bloggers going, “Ooh, underwear!” like clockwork before pleasuring themselves into an Empire Strikes Back collector mug. Or so people tell me. So here she is walking to Late Night With Seth Meyers yesterday while making sure everyone knows Anna Wintour is senile now. A fact not lost on Naomi Campbell who somehow used words to express her disbelief instead of a flying phone to the face, so clearly this is an impostor:

Naomi Campbell Laughs At Kim Kardashian’s Vogue Cover After The Jump

WTF Is Conscious Uncoupling?

March 26th, 2014 // 59 Comments
Marriage Is For Swine
Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin
GOOP & Chris Martin Separate Read More »

Yesterday, Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin shocked absolutely no one by announcing they’re separating. Except separating is a plebeian word beneath one of Madame GOOP’s station, so they’re calling it “conscious uncoupling” and providing reading material from new age therapists so that we, the swine and downtrodden, may better understand the evolutionary nature of their marriage and not define in it such pedestrian terms as “divorce” or “tired of fucking each other.” Via E! News: More »

Remember When DJ Wouldn’t Eat Because She Got Invited To A Pool Party Then Fainted At The Gym?

March 26th, 2014 // 25 Comments

She’s doing it again. I’M TELLING UNCLE JOEY!

Adding… Like those legs? Eat a dick. They belong to Jesus: More »