Archive for the ‘Photos’ Category

Here’s Coco’s Giant Anus Because F*ck It

August 29th, 2014 // 99 Comments

So it took me at least two hours to get Rihanna up, and I practically forced these Coco bikini pics into the site using a crowbar because apparently our database has “corrupt tables,” and I can’t even tell you who the hell’s bribing them. Couple that with a distinct lack of Photo Boy, and I’m taking a mental health day before I’m outside Hilary Duff‘s house again disguised as a trash can. If she’d just wear this dress I made with my pub- Anyway, a special thanks to the criminally understaffed product team who’s been putting out no less than eight million fires across the company this week. You guys (and gal) somehow keep our sites running and could use some more co-workers instead of Directors of Sticky Widgets or whatever bullshit positions somebody came up with for cachet. Fingers crossed we’ll start heading in that direction. In the meantime, enjoy Coco whose epic struggle to stay on an inflatable raft is the perfect metaphor for me trying to publishing anything today.

See you after the holiday, and follow us on Facebook or Twitter (below) where I’m sure I’ll be bitching about something all weekend. I have no life.

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Photos: Splash News

Rihanna’s In A Bikini And Other News

August 29th, 2014 // 11 Comments

- Jessica Alba‘s organic diaper company is worth a billion dollars. A BILLION. [Lainey Gossip]

- I’m going to assume James Haven‘s response will be “Muuuurrder…” [Dlisted]

- A Bikini A Day Keeps The Doctor Away [theCHIVE]

- Ariana Grande‘s brother is a fucking douchebag. [Fishwrapper]

- I love how the solution here was basically, “Bitch, just clean your damn purse.” [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Johanna Lundback. [Popoholic]

- Kendall finally realizes her last name is tainted. [WWTDD]

- Joan Rivers is “resting comfortably” and presumably telling Death it has a small dick. [Starpulse]

- The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story is stressing people out. AS IT GODDAMN SHOULD. [tooFab]

- Are you black and just waiting to pick your kids up at day care? Suck Taser, thug! [Death and Taxes]

- The NFL will only let you hit a woman once now. And, okay, probably a second time. [IDLYITW]

- Hilary Duff is becoming already the hottest MILF. I fixed it for you. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Celebslam Presents: It’s Cold Outside [Celebslam]

- Jesus Christ, Lizzie Caplan posing for Rolling Stone. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 8.28.14

August 28th, 2014 // 303 Comments

Welcome to Thurday’s The Crap We Missed which will be your last one for the week, because I’m off tomorrow and no, not to wash Fish’s car in a bikini. Again. Anyway, you’ll also notice the gallery is a little light, because when I blow off work, I go big. So, enjoy almost seeing Halle Berry‘s vagina, or totally seeing it, I don’t know, I ran away screaming “ICKY!!” before I got a good look, Will Forte‘s bird nest beard that I hope to Christ is for MacGruber 2, and Kris Jenner with Dean Cain proving beyond a shadow of a doubt he’s broke as shit, because this exact conversation happened.

“For that price, it’s either me or the big one and she’s only on sale this week until she gets reshod.”
“I don’t know, ma’am, I’m so hungry, does any of it come with bread?”

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Beyonce’s Dad: ‘The Divorce Rumors Were A Hoax To Sell Tickets’

August 28th, 2014 // 15 Comments
Beyonce Is Beneath Kim
Beyonce VMAs
You Are No Longer Worthy! Read More »

So one of two things are happening here: 1. Matthew Knowles reads the Internet and saw of all your conspiracy theories about Beyonce and Jay Z‘s divorce. 2. You’re all fucking detectives who probably solve murders in Hawaii without even inviting me. Goddammit. Page Six reports:

Sometimes rumors “ignite” tours, he explained. “The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot of times. So things you see sometimes are [makes poof noise],” he said.
When asked if he thought the now famous elevator fight between Jay Z and Solange was staged, Knowles refused to go into details but said, “Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”

Okay, so they made a shitload of money in ticket sales. That’s cool, I guess, but Chris Martin got to bang Jennifer Lawrence, so I’mma let you finish, but Gwyneth Paltrow had the greatest divorce OF ALL TIME. (You know she’s saying that shit into a $48,000 Chakra mirror while conditioning her pubic hair with Allosaurus marrow. Don’t even pretend she’s not.)

Photos: INFphoto

Joan Rivers Is Probably Dead (Update: Or Not)

August 28th, 2014 // 41 Comments

Seen here making fun of Anne Hathaway‘s vagina as I’ll always remember her, Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning after she stopped breathing during surgery on her vocal chords. According to TMZ, her heart also stopped beating with no word on whether it started again, so… yeah. In related news, Lindsay Lohan and Abe Vigoda have issued a joint statement promising to tread lightly across humanity’s bones during their infinite reign. “For we are God’s cockroaches,” they said, “And God’s cockroaches shall respect those who came before even as your dust paves the streets of our kingdom of death. For as it is written”

UPDATE: According to Ken Baker, Joan has been upgraded to stable condition because apparently 81-year-old women do that after their 900th surgery. This is why I stopped pretending to be a doctor.

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Lara Bingle Is Topless

August 28th, 2014 // 50 Comments

Remember Sam Worthington? That guy who was in every single movie that came out between 2009 and 2010? It’s not important. Here’s his girlfriend Lara Bingle‘s giant naked breasts just like I promised you in the Jon Stewart post which makes me more accurate than The Bible. Not that I wasn’t already, but sometimes it’s important to point that out in a post no one’s going to read because giant naked breasts. I’m a profile in courage.

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

August 28th, 2014 // 19 Comments
Angelina Smokes Gwyneth
Angelina Jolie New Boobs
Put That In Your Quinoa, Bitch Read More »

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they’ve spent as parents to six children. But what they don’t have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningless horseshit if it even counts as love at all. Fortunately, they fixed all that by secretly getting married in France over the weekend, and then surprising all of us with the news this morning because thanks to their omnipotent vantage point from Marriage Mountain, they could tell we needed a light to guide us out of the darkness. I heard Angelina Jolie even transformed into a dove. The AP reports:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married Saturday in the French hamlet of Correns, a spokesman for the couple says.
Jolie and Pitt wed in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends at Provence’s Chateau Miraval. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw flower petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.

When asked what prompted them to finally walk down the aisle, the spokesperson replied, “Honestly, I think both of them are hoping this will finally kill the other. If I had to put a label on it.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty

Good Morning, Katy Perry, And Other News

August 28th, 2014 // 23 Comments

- Justin Theroux’s Penis: A discussion. [Lainey Gossip]

- Jennifer Aniston doesn’t need kids to be valued as a woman. Which is true. It’s about breast size. [Dlisted]

- Redheads travel in packs? Perfect… [theCHIVE]

- LeAnn Rimes is a rapist. Her words, not mine. [Fishwrapper]

- What the NRA was tweeting after a 9-year-old killed an instructor with an Uzi. [Death And Taxes]

- Pandas. They’re just like us. [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Arianny Celeste and Brittney Palmer. [WWTDD]

- Megan Fox‘s ass threw out a first pitch. [Popoholic]

- Joke about Blue Ivy at your own peril. [Starpulse]

- Victoria Justice twerking her ass like Nicki Minaj. [tooFab]

- “Why can’t Putin be our president?” FOX News, everybody. [The Daily Banter]

- I’m suddenly very interested in Ice Bucket Challenges again. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Anastasia Ashley‘s ass is still awesome. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: CYVR/AKM-GSI

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