Relax, Everybody, They Found Casey Kasem

May 15th, 2014 // 34 Comments
Casey Kasem
Previously In Family Drama
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Because the Internet is a strange and fickle place where cats are heroes and babies have eyebrows, everyone became deeply vested in the news that radio legend Casey Kasem was missing despite his current wife (above) hiding him from his family for years now. Except our national nightmare is over because he was found in Washington state after escaping an Indian reservation? Am I reading this right? Holy shit, this story does have everything. People reports:

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Daniel S. Murphy ordered adult protective services and court investigators to try to locate Kasem after an attorney for his wife told the court that the former Top 40 host was no longer in the United States but he did not know where he was.
Kerri Kasem’s attorney Troy Martin said during the hearing that Kasem had been moved to an Indian reservation but was not sure because he had been frequently moved from medical facilities.
“We are grateful to the local authorities for finding my dad,” Kerri Kasem wrote in a statement. “We are one step closer to bringing him home.”

As for how the hell Casey Kasem ended up at an Indian reservation, he currently suffers from a form of dementia called Lewy Body Disease which has afforded his wife Jean Kasem the opportunity to ship him from medical facility to medical facility to land that the government gave Native Americans after killing almost all of them because that’s how we have all of our shit:

Until Monday, Casey Kasem’s wife of 34 years, Jean, had been in control of his medical care and controlled access to him. She has blocked three of Kasem’s children from a previous marriage, including Kerri Kasem, from seeing him in recent months, according to court filings.
Danny Deraney, a spokesman for Kerri Kasem and her siblings, said the family still had “grave concerns” about Casey Kasem’s health.
Jean Kasem’s attorney Craig Marcus argued Monday that his client had the right to move her husband to any facility she saw fit.

When asked if he’d divorce his wife for essentially hoarding his money by shipping him to a Native American shaman instead of a proper care facility so his kids can’t find him, Casey Kasem replied, “Top 40 pudding!” because what they really found is the empty, walking husk of the man his family has known and loved for years because our lives are God’s toilet. Happy Thursday!

Photos: Getty


  1. That’s fucking depressing.

  2. cc

    I was betting on him being in Guantanamo.

  3. Were countin’ down the days till I end my last show. But for now I’m sending out a long distance dedication from Washington to my beloved wife, Coco Hildebeast.

  4. Deacon Jones

    Little known fact, his psycho wife is the blond piece of ass from Ghostbusters at the house party –

  5. Juch

    Looks like Jean got a case of Lewinsky Body Disease.

  6. JC

    That cat is the hero we need, but not the one we deserve.

  7. Walter Peck

    “land that the government gave Native Americans after killing almost all of them”

    Maybe next time they’ll fight harder.

    • Here, just hold this smallpox-infested blanket while I prepare to punch your lights out.

      • Walter Peck

        I’ll be glad to hold onto that blanket because I, the white man, invented the vaccine. Something your tree god didn’t reveal to you in the smoke lodge.

      • Thanks for playing, nimrod, but even if your name is Jenner and you’re hundreds of years old, which I doubt, you, “the white man” didn’t “invent” shit, since the Chinese (aka “the yellow man”) were actually the first to innoculate against the disease – by snorting pulverized pox scabs – some 700 years before milkmaids in Europe were contracting cowpox. And FYI, since smallpox was unknown in North America until “the white man” introduced it (along with syphilis, measles and other fun gifts), there wasn’t exactly a fucking need to “invent” a vaccine for it.

        And unlike the Europeans, whose main “cure” at that time for anything from malaria to angina was to bleed the afficted, the inhabitants of many a smoke lodge had either been combating parasitic fevers with cinchona bark (it contains quinine, an alkaloid which combats malaria) or developing other remedies from medicinal plants long before “[you], the white man” appeared. Your imbalanced-humored ancestors not only marveled at this pharmacopeia of knowledge, they also wasted no time in turning it into the first drug trade.

        Now take your blanket and go play in traffic like a good little fuckwit.

      • Walter Peck

        Thanks for the essay Chief Doesn’t Understand Sarcasm. Tell me, does your casino have a buffet?

      • Does your “clinic” have a spin doctor? Because if you’re trying to pass that off as “sarcasm”, you’re gonna need a lot of help.

      • That phrase wasn’t spoken with sarcasm. It was spoken with Assholeanism.

      • “Don’t you comprehend my biting sarcasm?” is the new lame for “I was just kidding”.

  8. Cher X

    My childhood is dying…. :(

  9. I grew up on Scooby Doo cartoons and America’s Top 40, but my favorite memory of Casey Kasem is the meltdown that Howard Stern frequently plays:

  10. I thought they found Casey tucked under her left breast.

  11. Chief Rising Peen

    The Native Americans fought plenty hard. Problem was they were also fighting each other, not just the ‘white man’.

  12. Technically he still owns a home in my buddy’s neighborhood although I don’t anyone has seen him there in decades. Surprised they did not find him there.

  13. Cock Dr

    Was he in the boob shelter? Maybe camping in the cleavage canyon?

  14. PassingTrue

    Kasey has parked the motorboat as it were.

  15. Peyote is a hell of a drug.

  16. Katie

    Thank god, now we can get on with the Scooby Doo reboot.

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