Casey Affleck Snubbed Sylvester Stallone? Life On Earth Has Ended

“I’m sorry, sir, but those are only free for the famous people.”
“Hey yo a we be yo?”

While Republicans in Congress are busy executing their elaborate diversion tactic that won’t allow focused press attention on a single one of Trump’s cartoon villain cabinet picks, the internet has been ablaze with the true scandal of our time — Casey Affleck might have acted like a dick to Sylvester Stallone at the Golden Globes! *runs water in tub* How?! Why?! *lights candles* Please, someone tell me what happened?! *lays out razor blades* Via PEOPLE:

According to multiple sources, things got testy after Stallone, 70, and his wife Jennifer Flavin walked up to their table during the show’s opening number to find only one available open seat. One show source tells PEOPLE that no one, including Affleck, 41, and Damon, made an effort to accommodate the Stallones, who grew frustrated and seemingly embarrassed, and eventually retreated to the green room backstage. The couple would not return to the table and watched the show from backstage instead.

I’m glad PEOPLE did their due diligence on this one and reached out to multiple sources. So, what else did the deepthroats of #Chairgate have to say about this heinous atrocity?

There weren’t enough seats and so there was confusion, but it wasn’t personal against him,” says the source, adding that an additional chair was brought to the table and seats facing the stage were eventually freed up.

Ah ha! So, there was an extra chair! Oh yeah, this is getting good. Keep the juice coming, Snowden Globes.

Later in the evening, Affleck, who went on to win a Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama, crossed paths with Stallone in the green room and attempted to apologize for the seating snafu, but Stallone was not receptive.

Is it getting hot in here, or is it just all this steamy gossip? Please tell me we don’t have to wait for Wikileaks to release Jimmy Fallon’s email to find out how this ends!

Stallone’s rep did not comment on the specifics of the report, but offered, “The story you refer to is an interesting rumor – but a rumor nonetheless. Sylvester Stallone had a wonderful evening attending and presenting at the Golden Globes and celebrating with his family and friends.”

I’m not gonna lie, if you made it down this far, I’m disappointed in you. I mean, I hate myself even more for chasing this SEO turd down the toilet for clicks, but you people have no excuse. Seriously, get your shit together. You just read an internet story about chairs. Chairs. Life is a gift, dammit.

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Photo: Getty