Cockblocked By War: A Review of ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’

July 23rd, 2011 // 68 Comments

“Oh, so now you’re accusing me of stealing your topless scenes. Where do you get off?

Gabe from Videogum wrote a pitch-perfect opening for his review of X-Men: First Class that now, even more than it did for that movie, says exactly how I felt about Captain America after the credits rolled which I sat entirely through to see The Avengers teaser like a Poindexter who has no business touching a vagina ever again:

There is a very specific type of disappointment that you only get with big budget summer movies. It’s not crushing or anything, it barely even registers as disappointment. It’s just this vague, unsatisfying feeling that the thing you were hoping for is gone, and that in its place something simply exists.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to trash Captain America because it was light years beyond the space-diarrhea epic known as Green Lantern, more fully-realized than Thor, which it surprisingly references a lot, yet still fell slightly short of X-Men: First Class. But only slightly. So, for the last time this summer, here’s my dick joke-laden attempt at a review of a comic book movie that forced me to leave the comfort of my pajama pants and interact with other humans in broad daylight. (Spoiler Alert: You’re cockholes to watch movies with.)

NOTE: Spoilers are whited out, but simply highlight them with your mouse to see the text. Por ejemplo: This shit doesn’t work on the mobile site. Surprise?

The Shit That Worked:
- Chris Evans. Probably my biggest concern going into this movie was how Chris Evans would fare as such an iconic character when Mark Valley is running around looking like someone ripped Captain America right out of the goddamn comics. Surprisingly, Evans pulls it off and makes the role his own. He’s no Chris Hemsworth as Thor or Michael Fassbender as Magneto, but he delivers way beyond expectations and sells it.
- Joe Johnston. My other concern, right up there with Chris Evans as Cap, was how the director of Jurassic Park 3 and The Wolfman would do. And, yes, I know he directed The Rocketeer which is a good movie, but for some reason way over-romanticized lately. Anyway, people like crotchety Jeff Wells, who fucking hates comic book movies, are enjoying the hell out of Captain America, and I didn’t start this review with, “I hope Joe Johnston gets ass rabies,” so it’s safe to say he did alright.
- Red Skull. Definitely the most memorable villain of all the comic flicks this summer. Also, Hugo Weaving plays him with such a calm, cool menace that’s a nice balance for a guy whose entire head is a bleeding skull. Think Skeletor but without all the cackling and JLo fucking.
- Tommy Lee Jones. If this whole movie was just him saying salty, no-nonsense colonel lines to nameless grunts, I would’ve walked away with my money’s worth.
- The “skinny” Steve Rogers CGI effect. Fucking. Flawless. And possibly where all the CGI budget went as you’ll see later.
- Bucky. What could’ve been a horribly cheesy character immediately derailing this movie right into Batman and Robin country – Lovely codpieces this time of year though. – was handled organically while staying impressively true to the comics. And I’m not talking about his death as much as did they seriously just lay the groundwork for Winter Soldier? (If you’re a woman, please don’t read that last one. I really do want to see your naked parts sometime in the future.)
- Making you want to see Thor if you haven’t seen it already. While Captain America was pretty self-contained, if you caught Thor earlier in the summer, you’ll definitely notice a lot of callbacks to it. Specifically, the Cosmic Cube because every movie should have a magic Rubik’s cube full of god-juice that you can just shove into guns.
- These things. For the scant 60 seconds they showed up almost entirely covered.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
- The action sequences. While there were some pretty awesome ones, too many relied on horseshit CGI, or were nothing but montages that were reminiscent of Sucker Punch which you never want your movie to be. Ever. For the love of God. Because, seriously, some of the badass parts from the trailer were literally all that scene was. Here’s Cap hitting a guy with a shield, and now here’s the exact random scene from the trailer exactly as it was strung together to get your easy ass into a seat.
- The patriotism. Coming from a godless, America-hating liberal like myself this is going to knock you Tea Partiers off your Rascals, but this movie could’ve used more, “Fuck yeah, USA!” I hate jingoistic American exceptionalism as much as the next guy in line at Starbucks with an NPR tote, but if there was ever a place for it, this movie was it. Instead, we got an uncharacteristically apolitical war movie where the walking embodiment of American Big Swinging Dickism barely punches a Nazi because he’s spending 99% of the movie fighting fictitious Hydra soldiers who look like rejects from the shitty G.I. Joe movie starring Channing Tatum. Yes, Steve Rogers was a brave sonofabitch who pissed nothing but courage and bravery for breakfast, but when asked if he wants to kill Nazis, he responds, “Eh, I just really hate bullies.” C’mon! I understand foreign box office is how you make your money back on these things, but when Arugula-Eating Bookworms like myself are going, “Are they going to Ameri-fuck at least one Nazi to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner?” you know something went wrong.
- The Howling Commandos. As a fan of the comics, it was cool to see them pulling off WWII-esque missions with Captain America (Read: Just kidding! It’s all montages. Montages as far as the eye can see.), but could they find a more horrible wig and mustache for Neal McDonough’s Dum-Dum Dugan? Or was slathering an albino in way too much make-up a cheaper alternative than casting an actual red-head with visible facial hair? I’m genuinely asking.
- The love story. Maybe I’m not from the 1940s, but before you even ask a dame out and let her jigger your jimmy behind the grenade shed, should you really start carrying her picture in your pocket-watch? Because that just seems kind of stalkery even if you are the greatest specimen of human strength and handsome sauce. Then again, it was a simpler time when just looking at a woman didn’t cause her to tell all your friends you’re a rapist on account of the kaiser outlawing women creating drama for the sake of creating drama. Which is why, sometimes, I don’t even recognize this country anymore…
- The Avengers teaser. If you sit through the credits, Marvel slapped together a teaser for The Avengers even though it’s still filming, not that that’s stopping anyone from making teasers this summer, and it makes you question even more how the hell they’re going to pull that movie off with so many characters. However, it looks like Captain America will be pissed off the entire movie which is exactly how I’d be if I was frozen in the Antarctic instead of, not to go all Hemingway here, dousing my super-soldier serum all over Hayley Atwell’s heaving British breasts and finally losing my virginity in the process I might add. I’d probably win the war on terror with my blue balls alone.

The Shit That Shat:
- The dickhead who sat one seat away from me and constantly texted while his three, possibly, four year old daughter talked the whole goddamn movie. It’s a fucking PG-13 movie about guns and war, and you brought your little girl to annoy the living shit out of everyone?! Seriously, one of the responsibilities as a parent is to not expect others to put up with your kid because you, for some reason, decided to drag her to a movie you didn’t even pay attention to. You, sir, are a fucking terrorist. Also, this is why I laugh at libertarians. (Yup, here we go.) Whenever I hear one of them rail about speed limits or traffic lights or any type of law that keeps people from killing each other – And they literally do this. – I just want to grab them by the holster (You know they’re packing.) and scream, “Do you not realize people are assholes?!” Every single one of us is to some degree an epic asshole of deadly proportions which is why we have laws or the roads would be nothing but a goddamn death race strewn with the bodies of idiots who think “living free” means not having to stop at a red light. And worst transition ever before I start ranting about gun control: That’s not the America Cap threw his vibranium shield at Hugo Weaving’s face for.

Wow, time to bring this bad boy in for a landing: So, definitely worth watching in the theater. Even though I felt X-Men: First Class was the slightly better film, you really can’t go wrong scoping out Captain America. In fact, a lot of people seem to be hysterically raving about it which I personally don’t get. Especially anyone comparing it to Raiders of the Lost Ark which is also happening. Yes, it has Nazis and slightly similar plot elements, but that’s exactly where it stops and doesn’t hold a candle to Raiders. That’s like comparing your real dad to your new sort-of-okay step-dad who, surprisingly, didn’t turn out to be an axe-murder or child-molester like you expected. That being said: Kind of cool to see a bunch of old people came out for this one because it is sort of a more traditional action flick, and those fuckers love them some Nazi fighting which, as we established, was scant, so they probably died unhappy and alone hours later. Also, I’m pretty sure at least half them kept trying to point to themselves on the screen. “See? That’s me next to Cap’s rocket cycle. We had to keep it full of vinegar or it got the rickets.”

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Captain America fingers punching Hitler in the mustache.

Photos: Paramount Pictures, Esquire

superficial

  1. busybeaver

    wow… u weren’t kidding. hella long..

  2. Colin

    Nice review, but I really only took three things away from it.

    1) Chris Evans has nice tits. (which I already knew, so…)
    2) Hugo Weaving was good (I didn’t know he was even in it. Bonus.)
    3) You wear actual pants to the movies. (Sucker.)

  3. Anon

    So, Fish: Was Natalie Dormer (Pvt. Lorraine) any good? Hot? Any comments? Bacon?

  4. So like, did the thing that changed him from 90 lbs to 260 make his pants bigger too?

  5. Wouldfuckyousofast

    Dear Fish,
    As I wrote on your “Green Lantern” review, you are incredibly funny, and just because of that alone, you will always be able to find people to fuck you (especially me). Don’t you worry about your nerd factor getting in the way of that.

  6. Cock Dr

    Thanks for the review.
    As an older fucker who loves to see Nazis fucked over again & again in every way possible I will probably put this on our NetFlix.
    Chris Evans’s swollen moobs just aren’t enough to lure me to go out into this heat & interact with the largely juvenile summer movie crowds.
    *heads back down to the batcave*

  7. Hugo Weaving Captain America Red Skull
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Great casting here.

  8. Hugo Weaving Captain America Red Skull
    Fast Eddie
    Commented on this photo:

    I could’t solve the regular Rubik’s Cube… now WTF!

  9. Captain America Chris Evans
    Fast Eddie
    Commented on this photo:

    All right who stole my shield? C’mon, I know one of you fuckers has it, just give it back. Huh? Oh, never mind.

  10. Captain America Chris Evans
    Fast Eddie
    Commented on this photo:

    John Travolta in disguise at this years gay pride parade.

  11. Deacon Jones

    I don’t know, I feel like Im betraying my massive collection of comic books even going to see shit like this. Nothing, and I mean nothing, in terms of a movie will ever come close to going to Steve’s Comic Relief on our bikes and buying a bunch of $1.00 comics….Amazing Spiderman when McFarlane was doing it was incredible.

    • vitobonespur

      Shit, when I was a kid comic books were a dime.

      • MrsWrong

        I think that bone spur might be Osteoporosis

      • TomFrank

        “And Hershey bars cost a nickel!”

      • vitobonespur

        Indeed, they did. And there was such a thing as penny candy. And “5¢-&-10¢” stores. A pack of smokes was about a quarter as was a gallon of gas. On Saturdays the local movie theater had a “Kiddie Matinee” that cost 50¢ to get in. At McDonald’s a hamburger was 15¢ and fries were 12¢. When we finally got a Taco Bell everything was 5 for $1.00…we’d smoke a joint and go scarf. A couple of years later there was a saloon up the hill that had specific beer nights (Tuesdays or maybe Wednesdays…???) where the beers were 10¢ each of 50¢ for a pitcher…Hell I could go on and on, but I’m probably boring the hell out of you all as it is. Thank you for listening to my nostalgic bullshit.

      • Mattoo

        You fuckers are old.

  12. Levi

    so all hollywood does now is sequels, prequels, reboots, remakes and superhero films. how could anyone even care enough to spend the fifty billion dollars you need for a ticket, let alone to actually go in and THEN finally be disappointed?
    not only that, but humans KEEP doing this over and over and over! everytime hollywood takes another dump, we’re ALL lining up to be let-down again. we never ever seem to learn. ooh, maybe if it’s in 3D it will be better? yes, let’s pay MORE for that effect, only to be let-down again. and again.
    wise up, chumps, there is a world of cinema going on around us, not to mention more than one lifetime worth of film behind us on DVD now. why bother with this new, subgrade garbage now?
    oh right, because we’re all fucking weak, worthless, and deserving total extinction.

    • gocus pocus bannana fotus

      Yes Sir you are completely right

      i dont mean to sound like a scrooge or anything but I stopped going to the movie theaters 4 years ago, I used to go to the 1 dollar cheap theater but they closed,

      but the 10 dollar movie theater, never went back, it will be 5 years in november, I almost got talked into seeing Tron but i didnt, thank god for that,

      I do regret no seeing avatar, but besides that, nothing right now is worth it, I see all my movies on my tv,

      I might go se the dark knight rises in theaters though, but only that one

      • Brooke

        I saw X-Men, which was absolutely worth it. But I absolutely refuse to see 3d movies, and I wait for rentals to see most movies these days. I don’t think the movies are getting any worse, but I am pretty tired of CG and plastic bimbos. Lately I’ve been rewatching a lot of 80s movies, or little indies movies with the entire budget spent on getting one well-known actor to star in it. Most movies are shitty, no matter what decade, but movies these days rely too much on CG effects. So far this year I have only seen two movies in theaters, and I enjoyed them, but… Most movies I can wait for and watch on BD.

    • FiveOh

      What a drama queen, It’s just a fucking movie.

      • MrsWrong

        My name is Jen and I’m an alcoholic. Wait, what are we doing? This thread, it seems kinda…nevermind, I need a drink

    • BE

      Thank you! With the cost of a night out with a movie topping a whopping 100 bucks for two – no wonder everyone is investing in home theater with surround sound. A Netflix membership is the cherry on the top.

      Plus, your own dirt and no kids making noise, no one trying to talk an very little neck strain.

      Hollywood is doing itself in. Too big of budgets pushing too high ticket prices pushing into video ten minutes after you see it.

      But the old school thinks it knows what it’s doing…

  13. the captain

    stay allert: HE IS NO SISSY BOY, folks!!

  14. Captain America Chris Evans
    Undercover
    Commented on this photo:

    I am confused why Captain America is not karate chopping the Ginger in the background. Isn’t he supposed to be saving America from evil?

  15. Johnsmith

    In the picture: what is the red head scientist looking at?

  16. Hayley Atwell Captain America Esquire
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s cute, but smothered in clothes.
    Movie marketing FAIL.

  17. Brooke

    I laughed so hard at the shit that didn’t work. I hate shitheads.

  18. chev70

    I wish I had his physique.

  19. Flatulissimo

    Somebody was texting during the movie? I take it you don’t live near an Alamo Drafthouse. They don’t put up with that shit:

    http://youtu.be/1L3eeC2lJZs

  20. DeucePickle

    Wow, that was awesome.
    “Ameri-fuck”….brilliant !

  21. “I hate jingoistic American exceptionalism as much as the next guy in line at Starbucks with an NPR tote”

    That’s your Pulitzer Fish!!!

  22. Jon and Kate Plus Hate

    Amy Winehouse is dead

  23. Angus

    Meh— I still think this movie looks retarded. I can wait to rent it from Redbox.

  24. Problem?

    Holy mother of God he is hot.

  25. Just_As_it_IS

    Let’s see how long it takes for The Superficial to find out about Amy Winehouse’s death…

  26. terry

    I wouldn’t spend 10 bucks, that was first marinated in period blood by a goddamn 19 year Brazilian in a bikini, on Captain America!
    I saw a few clips on yahoo movie and was underwhelmed by the motorcycle chase and the fight scene with the shield. IMHO, total garbage!!!

  27. Shawn

    Mark Valley is way too old, dipshit. “Hey, I invented this serum that makes a guy a super soldier, so let’s find a suitable test subject. Obviously, he should be fucking 50″. Derp! But yeah, a young Mark Valley would have been perfect.

  28. vitobonespur

    I don’t think Mark Valley is tall enough for the role. Just my opinion. I may be wrong.

    Serious question: I saw a trailer that showed the “skinny” Steve Rogers and realized right away that some serious CGI was implemented. But I’m wondering (‘cuz I don’t know) if Chris Evans worked out to bulk/buff up for the role, or is that also CGI…or maybe both combined…???

  29. Captain America Chris Evans
    Winowinnie
    Commented on this photo:

    Ginger in the back likes what he sees

  30. Captain America Chris Evans
    Jack
    Commented on this photo:

    Libertarians complain about speed limits? You sir, are a douche.

  31. godforbidowright

    that pumped out body has a chris evans head attached to it. which one is doing the acting again?

  32. Shellibellie

    enjoyed the movie a great deal – Tommy Lee JOnes stole every scene that he was in, and I loved it!

    Love HUgo Weaving can the man play creepy or what?!

    Thought it was a bittersweet ending, and I drooled my way through the Avenegers preview att the end (Chris Hemsworth Im looking at you baby!)

  33. Captain America Chris Evans
    erica
    Commented on this photo:

    i dont like his body too wide and bulky

  34. Minako

    Don’t worry, being a comic book fan just ups the chances of seeing my lady bits. Though I’m not a Captain America fan at all. He’s too… obvious.

  35. Venom

    Saw it tonight and I will make this short and sweet.

    Chris Evans is cool, but he is not right for the part. Liam Hemsworth might be better. He was just not convincing of the part.

    Tommy Lee phoned it in, not his best performance by a long shot.

    The whole movie just seemed off the whole time, not bad, just off.

    Hugo Weaving was not that great or convincing as the The Red Skull.

    The girl by far stole the movie which she should not have, but she did.

    The need to get the guys that did X Men and Iron Man to fix this movie and save it the next time.

    I am not sure why Green Lantern keeps getting panned, it was good and better than this movie in my opinion although X Men was just simply excellent.

    • “The whole movie just seemed off the whole time, not bad, just off.”

      Exactly how I felt. I was describing it to friends last night, and there’s really no great parts that stand out in this movie. It was just… there. It was good, definitely not a complete waste to catch in the theater which I’m probably only saying in my new post-Green Lantern reality, but I’d never grab someone by the lapel and demand they see it like The Dark Knight or MacGruber which I feel entirely comfortable saying is the greatest movie of the past decade.

  36. Brian

    “Every single one of us is to some degree an epic asshole of deadly proportions”

    So you want to give some of those assholes power over all of us? Good plan, sounds like you’ve really thought this through.

  37. kuru

    honestly i thought red skull and hydra were weak and had absolutely nothing to do with the 3rd reich which disappointed me otherwise good

  38. jules

    Cockholes to watch movies with! Get your flipflops off my seat and stop giggling and laughing. I can’t hear the previews! And you’re jiggling my seat. So you get up all angry to move down a row but your gets your foot caught in the cup holder and you almost crumble over, but you make it somehow and they feel all chastised and shit. Yes!

  39. ForSure

    if you stare at Chris Evans chest muscles long enough Jesus appears.

  40. Donald Trump

    Chris is starting to look a little long in the tooth. Body is still rocking hard, but that face is hitting the wall faster than I expected.

    I’d still eat his ass!

  41. Mandy

    ” The “skinny” Steve Rogers CGI effect. Fucking. Flawless. And possibly where all the CGI budget went as you’ll see later.”

    I agree completely. The skinny Steve Rogers was amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such amazing, almost perfect CGI. But apparently that’s all the money they had for SFX because the rest looked incredibly cheesey.
    During the action scene montage, I think he jumped out of an explosion like five times. It was weird.

Leave A Comment