Right In DC’s Butthole: A Review Of ‘Captain America: Civil War’

Hey, how’s it going? Did you like that headline? I figured I’m going to get whatever the GamerGate version is for dudes – Just kidding! Neckbeards are only afraid of vaginas. – from Batman V Superman fanboys even if I called Captain America: Civil War “cinematic AIDS,” so why not take it to the hole? Because we’re barely even two sentences into this thing, and I’m going to drop this right now, no foreplay: Civil War beats the grimdark snot out of Batman V Superman in every way possible – including being grimdark! Civil War is the better movie by a country mile. And I fucking love DC Comics and genuinely hope their movies stop blowing thanks to all the money Warner Bros. is frantically spending, but there’s no denying Civil War is Marvel operating at the top of its game. Not that Civil War is THE BEST MOVIE EVER, or without its flaws, but at no point does anyone stop an aggressively-hyped fight to the death and go, “Wait, our moms have the same name?! I’m going to cry so hard if you die, bro. I love you!” Who does that?

WARNING: SPOILEROOS! (I’ll go kill myself now.)

The Shit That Worked

- Fundamentally, almost entirely across the board, every thing about Captain America: Civil War works if not downright excels. It’s a seamless continuation of not just Captain America: Winter Soldier (which is still my personal favorite) but the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe. Unlike Avengers: Age of Ultron, every character is serviced by the script to the point where Joss Whedon should be forced to watch this movie at gunpoint and then handed that gun with a single bullet in it because Civil War is almost entirely a do-over of Ultron. Which was supposed to build off the momentum of The Avengers, but instead, ended up being a wet fart where Black Widow cries about The Hulk not giving her babies. On top of that, Ultron straight up wasted Robert Downey Jr. while Civil War lets that snarky bastard chew so much scenery that I honestly think he’s in this movie more than Captain America. It’s hands down the best use of Tony Stark since… well, any of these things.

- Of all the hype surrounding Civil War, the airport battle scene is as great as everyone says it is. It’s the best action set piece Marvel has done since the final battle in The Avengers, which it smokes. Because as cliche as it sounds, it as close as it gets to watching a giant comic book splash page come to life, but with the added bonus of Paul Rudd who steals the shit out of the whole thing. And there’s no legitimate reason for his character to even be there. Not one! But, goddamn, that adorable scamp.

- Black Panther. Fucking awesome. Chadwick Boseman was perfect, and more importantly, he was a cohesive tie-in to future films that wasn’t Chris Hemsworth taking a bath while lightning shoots him in the abs and makes random images appear on the screen. Which is an actual scene from Age of Ultron. You can’t make that shit up, except by committee.

- You’re noticing I’m not saying Spider-Man. We’ll get to that.

- The Vision wearing a sweater. Where the hell is a solo movie about this? Also, the part where he accidentally maims Don Cheadle because he’s distracted by Elizabeth Olsen’s boobs? That’s the kind of grounded realism I like to see in my comic book movies. Suck it, Christopher Nolan.

- Gwyneth Paltrow getting her bee-stung ass written right out of the Marvel Universe. I wept.

- The final battle. For some reason, people shit on this scene in the trailer, but it was crazy well-done. There’s a slow-motion shot where Bucky’s fighting Iron Man that’s, again, like right out of a comic book. It’s sick as hell. As much as people complain about all of the Marvel movies having the same look, Civil War is the most visually arresting since Guardians Of The Galaxy.

The Special Shit About Spider-Man Section

- Because I don’t feel right bumping Spider-Man into the “Kinda Worked” section, he gets a special spot. So here’s the deal, despite my reservations that he still looks and moves like a goddamn cartoon, this latest Spider-Man actually works. It’s a breath of fresh air seeing him finally bounce off the Marvel characters, and if his next solo movie is nothing but Robert Downey Jr. hitting on Marisa Tomei’s Aunt May, I’ll watch the shit out of it. That said, there was literally no reason for him to be in this movie whatsoever. None. Ant-Man already had the comic relief covered like a boss. An adorable boss. And if you see someone say, “Spider-Man is the heart and soul of Civil War,” punch that person in the face because they are bullshit. He’s there to advertise that Marvel got the rights back, and that’s it. Even from a story standpoint, Tony Stark’s team has a goddamn indestructible cyborg with magic space powers, yet he still needs a kid that can shoot webs? Get the fuck outta here.

The Shit That Kinda Worked

- The central conflict. While I mostly agree that Tony Stark and Captain America are both right for different reasons, which makes Civil War light years more interesting than, “Grr! Why are you branding pedophiles?!” and “Grr! Why did you break my building saving the whole planet?!” (Have I mentioned Batman V Superman is dumb as hell?), it gets a little hard to swallow the whole Sokovia Accords concept that puts The Avengers under the purview of the UN to prevent future collateral damage. Because that shits going to happen. On top of that, when Secretary of State William Hurt goes through the list of all the times The Avengers saved a shitload of people, he’s going through a list of all the times they saved a shitload of people. Plus it’s not like they’re Man of Steel-ing through buildings without giving a fuck. Although, the whole city being dropped from the sky thing is kind of Tony Stark’s fault, but he makes such funny quips! Also, here’s how I would’ve answered these questions instead of acting like I just had my lunch ate:

“Where’s Thor?”
Finding magic gems — in space. BURN.

“What about Hulk?”
Doing fucking yoga in a jet. Did you even watch the last movie?

The Shit That Shat

- In the Civil War comic book, the initial spark is a team of unchecked, amateur superheroes accidentally blowing up an elementary school playground killing hundreds of kids. Which is kind of hard to do when you’re trying to sell action figures – or aren’t Zack Snyder with an erection – but I didn’t even realize that something went wrong in the Civil War movie because it’s literally just a couple windows catching on fire and then Captain America making a sad face. That’s the big moment.

- I’m with Tom Ley. Someone should’ve died in this thing. And not a black guy! Who just got maimed instead. Cute, Marvel.

- Why did Captain America kiss Agent 13 when he’s clearly in love with Bucky? Dude wants Bucky hard, and honestly, who wouldn’t? He’s the bad boy AND has a robot arm. Think of the possibilities. The possibilities.

- I sat through 27 hours of credits to watch a fucking hologram of Spider-Man’s face come out of Spider-Man’s arm? I will eat your children, Kevin Feige.

GRADE: Paul Rudd with a robot arm.

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