According to nobody in particular, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are said to be planning a secret Christmas wedding ceremony, which is a rumor unlike any we’ve heard before. The couple have invited 150 close friends to “celebrate their romance” in Hawaii, but some invitees have told Britain’s Daily Star that they suspect guests will be treated to a surprise wedding.
Or a ritualistic slaughter. I’m pretty sure that’s what it is. I don’t think there’s any other way to explain how a filthy street urchin and a pre-pubescent boy with the voice of a pre-pubescent girl ascended to such fame unless Satan and ceremonial cannibalism were involved. Plus I hear that eating human flesh is really bad for your skin. So, you know, that explains two things.