Calvin Harris Dumped Taylor Swift

“Ohmygod, I won so many awards. Propose to me, Adam!”
“…”
“Adam?”
“…”
“Why can’t you move, baby? Use your words.”
“…”

Back in April, Taylor Swift made a huge deal out of thanking Calvin Harris by using his real name during an acceptance speech at the iHeart Radio Music Awards. So when it was his turn to go on stage, Calvin reciprocated her love by never once acknowledging her existencetwice. And if your penis is trying to burrow its way back into your body just imagining the passive aggressive shitstorm that surely followed, so did Calvin Harris’s because he dumped her ass. PEOPLE reports:

The singer, 26, and the DJ, 32, have broken up, multiple sources confirm exclusively to PEOPLE.
“There was no drama. Things just don’t work out sometimes,” says an insider. “No one cheated.”

Of course, it didn’t take long for more details to emerge, yet amazingly the reason for the split wasn’t that Taylor Swift doesn’t know how to give a massage parlor-quality handjob, which I would’ve bet all my chips on and Photo Boy’s baby. Via E! News:

“Adam really liked Taylor, she was not the type of girl he ever dates and he liked that. He liked how innocent Taylor was and that she had a good caring heart. Taylor’s heart was more in it then he was. He started to lose interest over the past few months, but really tried to not just break up,” a source tells E! News.
“They were just not very compatible in different areas in their relationship. The touring and traveling didn’t help. It seemed like they were more friends than lovers,” the insider added.

I’m not exactly the most sensitive of individuals and even I cringed at that last line. Mostly because it seems to be Taylor Swift’s M.O. to fall head over heels for dudes who just want to be choked out by her legs and then go about their business. It’s like, will she ever find love? Actual true love. Or is that just a myth cooked up by Madison Avenue to sell us Tinder apps and rubber buttholes? No, wait, that’s how I stave off marriage. And lamb’s blood on the front door. Scratch all that.

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Photos: Getty