Calista Flockhart might be Gollum

February 10th, 2006 // 141 Comments

cflockhart-old.jpgIn case you’ve ever entertained thoughts of dating Harrison Ford, let this be a lesson to you all. If I didn’t tell you that this thing used to be Calista Flockhart I know you wouldn’t have guessed it. Instead, you probably would have left some comments asking why I was posting pictures of strange sewer creatures. And then I’d make up some terrible lie about starting a sewer creature fan club, but eventually you’d find out it was actually Calista Flockhart and we’d have a big fight because I lied to you, and trust is the only thing we have in this world, baby.

As unhealthy as she looked as a stick, it was still way more appealing than this. A plate of monkey feces is more appealing than this.



  1. goddess

    Cheek implants – that’s her problem.
    They never work, Calista…

  2. hey, i liked her in Ally McBeal. it was one of my favorite shows. be nice :P i mean, yeah, she isn’t the prettiest person on the planet, but she’s not a skank like Parasite Hilton and saggy Spears or anything. i only hate skanks. hehe.

  3. memememe

    she looks straight horrible. i never thought she was pretty but dag, the miracles of make-up. did anyone see that new add with drew barrymore she looks gorgeous. i never thought she was ugly but in this add she is strikingly beautiful, again the miracles of make-up.

  4. Jewbacca


  5. dudleymax1

    Update this site please.

  6. NewGuy

    Would you please update this ridiculous excuse for an entertaining website???

  7. aura

    I was not even aware of the fact that faces can have cellulite. It’s probably just a combo of the awful lighting & her sickly pallor, but looking at that picture is like looking down in to a bowl of lumpy mashed potatoes… or master splinter lol comment #3.

  8. Heather

    dudleymax1 and NewGuy:

    The Superficial doesn’t update on the weekends, asshats. You’d know that if you were a site regular. Be patient and wait until Monday.

  9. dudleymax1

    thanks heather. asshat, huh? and from which university did you graduate? dropped your thesaurus? this site gets paid for each hit. the very least thing they can do is update it. i don’t care to line their pockets. oh, and it’s no badge of honor to be a “site regular.”

  10. gossipmonger

    TO: dudleymax1
    From Wikipedia: Asshat is a slightly more trendy and less severe variation of asshole, graphically describing someone who has his “head up his ass” (i.e., not knowing what’s going on), or a variation of “butthead”. In the former sense, it is suggested that one is wearing one’s ass for a hat, or alternately, a hat for one’s ass (Some people view it as that from the waist up, you are a hat for your own ass.). A more modern usage of asshat describes a person doing something stupid, and can apply to anyone.
    So before questioning someone’s language, check it out… asshat!

  11. I think she’s wearing someone else’s face.

  12. thearetical

    hee hee, hobo Flockhart

  13. dudleymax1

    Slang dictionary? Is that what you’re using to write your term paper at the community college or are you emailing from work? Hey, this week you’re on mop duty, maybe next week you’ll make fries. I’m off to perezhilton for some decent commentary.

  14. Asbestos Dust

    For dudleymax1: Just FYI…

    OTOH, it really is time to get this scrotal sac off the lead story, as I’m tired of cleaning the vomit out of my keyboard every time I hit this page. I mean, if you must leave something up all weekend, get something less disgusting, like Paris’ cooze or puppies in a blender.

    – AD -

  15. dudleymax1

    to Asbestos Dust …now THAT’S funny. thank you. finally someone with a sense of humor.

  16. blackblackheart

    EXACTLY what I was thinking. She soooo reminds me of that movie.

  17. blackblackheart

    You’re questioning others’ education but you don’t even know how to properly punctuate or begin a sentence… I must inform you that a sentence ALWAYS starts with a capital letter. There are no exceptions to this rule, you asshat.

  18. I love internet fights! They’re so fun to watch…um, I mean, read!

  19. Binky

    “Binky-I honestly think your senseless comments add meaning to my life and of course they excite me sexually.”
    Binky : Well – hey thanks anonymous fan – it’s either this or get a job you know…And I’ve heard those ‘Rubber Rockets’ ™ work as well.
    Maybe see ya Monday

  20. Binky


  21. Heather


    I’m a student at UC Berkeley, for your information. Does that burst your balls?

  22. FuzzyFace

    This just goes to show you that beauty is transitory and in the end, we will all look like dried up mushrooms. Now if you starve yourself (like Calista) or smoke or drink too much, that day will just come a little more quickly than others’.

  23. Lazzeroooni

    Heather says, “I’m a student at UC Berkeley, for your information. Does that burst your balls?”

    I’ve known several people attending that particular institution, and none struck me with the total lack of patience and politeness that you have done with your single post above. Congratulations, you ought to be proud.

    I enjoy coming to this site and reading the amusing comments, but if being a regular does that to you I think I’d be happy to leave again.

    As for Calista, well… uh… I guess when you’re super-skinny and your face is 3 times wider than your thigh, you know you’ll be in trouble if the thigh puts on weight later on… cuz there ain’t spot-reduction nor spot-expansion…

  24. NewGuy

    Dear Heather:

    You’re an idiot.

    It’s Monday, update this stupid site asshats.

  25. NewGuy


    Heather, “Burst is your balls” is not an actual expression. Maybe you mean “bust your balls”???

    Even still that expression would have no application to this situation. Idiot.

  26. Asbestos Dust

    Somebody Said: Heather, “Burst is your balls” is not an actual expression. Maybe you mean “bust your balls”???

    I dunno — ball bursting or ball busting both seem likely to be uncomfortable. Personally I tend to avoid any ball-related activity that doesn’t involve cuddling, potential lipstick transfer, and/or personal lubricants. My best advice is to give ‘em both (busting and bursting) a miss, if ya can. If not, at least get some JPEGS so the rest of us can get a laugh…

    – AD -

  27. Maxxxie

    This is just a bad picture… we all take bad pictures. On IMDB there are recent pics of her, and she doesn’t look anything like this.

  28. Vichus Smith

    What the fuck is that? I guess that Ally Mcbeal money’s finally dried up! No wonder she has to stay as thin as a toothpic. Otherwise, it’s just horrendous.

  29. Joe Mamma

    Maybe it

  30. kylieer

    Bet next time you see her she will look fabulous! Ahhh how nice it must be to have makeup artists and hair stylists and TONS of money!!

  31. bakismaki

    All of a sudden Harrison Ford looks really young again. Whadaya say to Indiana Jones 4, Harrison.

  32. She looks like the pickled head in the garage from ‘Silence of the Lambs’. Actually, she looks like every pickled head, that has ever existed. Its as if all of the pickled heads ever had a meeting (as lets face it, they’re still around – they are pickled) and made Calista their pickled patron. Just like when all the scrotums in the world got together and nominated Michael Douglas as their ‘Most favourite mascot ever’.

  33. Grope For Luna

    It’s her, with pale winter skin, no makeup and bad lighting.

    That’s why I sleep all day. Like a vampire!

  34. Karen

    whoaa hun, halloween isnt until october

  35. BollyWould

    Dude, It could be possible she’s battling some terribly cancer..or on steroids for some illness…it’ll make ya all ugly and puffy lookin’

  36. TheLusciousDeluxe

    DAMN. Please somebody, give her back The Ring.

  37. Sonya

    My Prrrrrrrrreciousssssssss!

  38. i don’t like her, she is way to thin…

  39. Opps, wonders never end. Even fatty is in a better shape

  40. Haru Sempai.....

    But….wow…..that’s………I’m……why….OH HARRISON…..WHY MARRY THAT THING SHE LOOKS HIDEOUS EVEN NOW…yet I respect your (terrible) decision…:(

  41. Haru Sempai.....

    Poor Haru….why do you love her.

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