Calista Flockhart might be Gollum

February 10th, 2006 // 141 Comments

cflockhart-old.jpgIn case you’ve ever entertained thoughts of dating Harrison Ford, let this be a lesson to you all. If I didn’t tell you that this thing used to be Calista Flockhart I know you wouldn’t have guessed it. Instead, you probably would have left some comments asking why I was posting pictures of strange sewer creatures. And then I’d make up some terrible lie about starting a sewer creature fan club, but eventually you’d find out it was actually Calista Flockhart and we’d have a big fight because I lied to you, and trust is the only thing we have in this world, baby.

As unhealthy as she looked as a stick, it was still way more appealing than this. A plate of monkey feces is more appealing than this.



  1. Yes yes boys, makeup can do wonders, that’s why us chicks use it. But c’mon, it’s just a bad pic, I mean, it’s really really bad, but still only a bad picture. I wonder what ya’ll look like in some of those pics in your photo album. Probly even more scary than poor Calista.

  2. G L A M


    that is the true wonders of make-up (and too much of it!)
    celebrities may not look like theyre wearing alot of makeup on camera but thats because theyre on CAMERA! Believe me, i know how much make up these people put on.

    This can NOT be the first time you’ve seen a celeb without any makeup!?

  3. LickyLicky

    Wow. I always thought she was cute, in a pixy-ish way, albeit much too thin. I wouldn’t have picked her out in a crowd of two, with me as the other person. Not that two makes a crowd, unless you count all the disembodied voices.

  4. OH…..MY…..GOD!

  5. LH

    I don’t think it is a bad pic, because she has been looking like this for like a year now…..She is turning into the person she lives with…..Just like Brad Pitt did with Angelina. She is now “Harrisona Flockhart”.

  6. spamnews

    That’s not her. That’s a picture of Tracy Ullman

  7. YourMom

    whoa, just whoa! i think that really is her…check out this pic, taken feb 2nd, i think shes even wearing the same earrings?? yes??,%20Calista

  8. MISSB

    I would LOOOOVE to see what half of you people look like. We all know Calista is a pretty woman. So what .. she’s NOT wearing make-up in this picture, maybe she’s not having a good day, maybe it’s just a bad angle. I’m sure not all of you come out looking smoking hot in every picture you’ve ever taken. Geeze, no need to be so damn mean!

  9. happy_bunny

    Where’d her lips go? Did someone pull a Viktor Yushchenko on her?

  10. Allie D.

    Happy_Bunny! OMG that is fucking hilarious!

  11. LoneWolf

    Hoo Hah, that’s one for the Celebrities-Without-Makeup website.

    Harrison Ford’s movies have made $3.8 BILLION world wide. Why would he be willing to wake up with that?

    *douche chill shiver*

  12. em167

    looks like that ugly chick from 24, doesn’t it? i don’t know her name…she was the blind chick in road trip

  13. carmachu

    She looks like a ancient kiebler elf

  14. Average

    MISSB, Flockhart has never been pretty, ever.
    The only reason she was cast in that show is because she looked and acted like a anorexic neurotic bird.
    She still looks like a nuerotic bird, she just isnt anorexic anymore(which is good, shes a mom). I guess all of her claims to just having a naturally high metabolism can be tossed out the window.

    She was the pioneer for the “smellsomethingfunny” look that is so popular with the younger actresses like Jennifer Garner and Keira Knightley.

    I hate that look, hate her for it and hate all actresses that use it, but I’m glad she is eating.

  15. Um…. this is her at the 2006 premiere of Firewall with Ford… I’m not a huge fan for Flockheart, but she looks pretty good to me

  16. soapbox

    Give her a break, everybody’s ugly at times if they have no make up on/are making a face and their hair’s unkept.

  17. urielsword

    I have never considered her beautiful and it annoys the hell out of me when the media call women beautiful just because they are celebrities. As for the posters who are always asking about what people who comment on this site look like, I can say that at my age I look way better than these women w/o makeup. I think a woman’s beauty should be judged on what she looks like without makeup.If I had a makeup artist to do my makeup I’m sure I would be gorgeous.

  18. Binky

    Re my #5 : Well after seeing her Firewall premiere pix, things are a bit dif.
    As long as she leaves a few carts near the door – I’m willing to say she looks a lot better.
    (I hope he didn’t force her to sit through the movie)

  19. aguynamedbill

    you just know her breath is got a be bad too.
    Also, she may be finally man enough for Harrison Ford.

  20. Sheva

    Okay, so her face is now a fantasy monster.
    But what do you do with a concave ass.

    You know it’s trouble when your boyfriend’s eyes get dreamy when he’s with you but he’s actually staring at the ass of a 12 year old boy behind you.

  21. boogerman

    she looks more like a character from the temple of doom.

  22. TXBlonde

    I bet all her co-workers on Ally McBeal are starting to wonder why they starved themselves to look like her.

    I hear Harrison’s latest movie is unwatchable, so perhaps she is in mourning for her partner’s career demise.

  23. Walt

    Hmm… remember that TNG episode when Troi’s boyfriend started dumping his emotional baggage into the minds of women to maintain inner piece, but it aged them at an incredible rate?

    That must be what’s happening with Flockhart. Harrison Ford’s been looking like ten years younger lately, while Calista’s looking about 30 years older than she is.

  24. Cairde

    Guys, give her a break. It’s obvious that she just got into a laser sword fight with Sam Jackson. Everyone knows you don’t use force lightning when you get into laser sword fights with Sam Jackson … and you don’t stick around when he starts quoting the Old Testament. Unfortunately, it seems Ms. Flockhart has never watched a Sam Jackson movie.

  25. Cheyenne_1

    “You mean?… is it really true?… say it isn’t so Obi Wan!… 75% of the monkey spanking visuals can be attributed to make-up hair, lighting and the wonders of digital photography and Air Brushing??!”

    “Yes, Luke, you have now learned the secret of the Farce er Force.”

    I love pictures like Calista’s. They put the “P” in perspective.

    I’m sure everyone has seen this stuff:

    etc., etc., etc. …

  26. mrschickee

    LMAO @ #3 – she looks like master splinter.
    OMFG…I have never laughed harder at a post or a comment. That was hyseterical. She actually does look like a mutant sewer rat. Harrison should not let her leave the house like that.

    BTW Papa…you are magical. I almost fell over from the Dorito comment. I Heart The Superficial!

  27. mrschickee

    I just had an epiphany! Perhaps she has landed the roll of Smeigel’s mother in the much awaited prequel…Gollum: Before the Ring.
    Makes sense to me now.

  28. tis GLAM

    yep, thats her. look at that wierd nose! you cant miss that baby!

    she looks so pale and dead. Oh My God!

    it seems like EVERYONE in the entertainment business is just UGLY! minus the make-up and they’re trash. So quit drooling at those people in your glossy magazine pages and TV screen and pay attention to the real beauty staring right back at you in your mirror! At the real beauty sitting right next to you!

    eww what the hell? i was getting all ‘Oprah Winfrey’ for a second there *cough*

    encore! give us another, ‘Superficial! more rich ugly people to laugh at, please

  29. rachel

    Yeah Glam you were definitely getting a little Oprah on us but you have an excellent point. All of us would look just as good, if not better, if we had the personal stylists, make up artists and trainers that these celebs all have.

    If my boyfriend ever claims that I look ugly first thing in the morning I swear I’m gonna give him this picture and ask him who he’d rather wake up next to…me or this thing.

  30. WaitWhat?

    That freaky dancing baby on her show is starting to look real good next to her

  31. HughJorganthethird

    Her mug is the facial equivalent of Sharon Stones dried up old beaver.

  32. JustCallMeCrash

    Wow. Anybody else think she looks startlingly like Master Yoda? Dye her green and puff her hair up a bit and I think she’d be a passable Yoda.

  33. jonathanwithaj

    I was in love with Calista Flockhart for over a decade because of how elegant she made anorexia. She took a very unpublicized eating disorder and made it into a fasion statement for the masses. Although she looks like a total mess here, I still salute her for being a revolutionary of style. She was willing to face death via starvation to avoid this look, and sister I think it’s time to start going hungry once more. Let’s bring back the girl that made the magic behind the hit TV show Ally Macbeal and show everyone what Skeletor looks like on the red carpet once more.

  34. Holly cow… maybe there’s something nefariuous in Harrison Ford’s bodily fluids. Please stop the golden showers, Calista.

  35. liberty

    she’s probably recovering from some plastic surgery or something but MY GOD!

  36. senin

    Are you kidding? This woman is the poster child for plastic surgery. She better get on it quick – eyes and jowels. FUGLY.

  37. Jessica

    You have GOT to post something new — I get scared every time I open up your site and see her scary, 50-year-old sheet white face!

  38. sqongo

    Ally,wtf happened,i loved you only a few years ago!!!Portia,Lucy Lui,that krakowski(sp)all look good still,jeez what in Satans crotch has happened,sob!!

  39. HollyJ

    I didn’t know morgues could take such great photos. Good lighting, guys. She almost looks alive.

  40. biggutonenut

    my eyes have never been blinded by such beauty. I’ll always like Harrison Ford for Indiana Jones though.

  41. pixie-stix

    She looks very tight and tense…kinda like a ferret.

  42. Tracy

    I woke up sick with a cold this morning and even I don’t look that bad… and that’s saying a lot.

  43. Binky

    @ 88 Indiana ? If she keeps that look up – I think he’s going to be doing a lot more ‘Hands-Solo’ around the house.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I suppose.

  44. tis GLAM

    this picture’s killing me

  45. ESQ

    Looks like Calista ate the Burger King guy.

  46. happy_bunny

    ENOUGH! Move on! Post something new already!

    Here. I’ll give you a boost.

    CNN: Adam Sandler, Kevin James to wed?

    LOS ANGELES, California (Hollywood Reporter) — Adam Sandler and Kevin James are in negotiations to play firefighters who pretend to be a gay couple in an upcoming film comedy, “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.”

    Just . . . Anything!!!

  47. gailmariecat

    I want her makeup artist.

  48. Mackie MacSpeed

    Seriously, she looks like Yoda’s little sister. Maybe Yoda’s older sister, actually. Holy Shit, she hit the wall and it fell on her.

  49. jeromycraig

    What’s sad is that now anorexics are going to whip out her picture and go, “You see? You see what happens when you eat something?”

  50. yami

    how come she got FOUR eyebrows???

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