Bruce Jenner Is A Republican, Transgender Woman Who’s Not Gay

If you’ve been hiding in a cave, you’re probably still aware that famed Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner broke free of his previous public persona as a former neutered lapdog husband to Kris Jenner by bravely coming out as a transgender woman in a interview with Diane Sawyer that’s spawned no less than 80,000 news items in its wake. As it should because what took place is almost unprecedented not just because of the topic, but because demonstrable (positive) social change will actually come out of the Kardashians instead of their usual shit-awful path of destruction. So here’s my piss-poor attempt to digest all of this and regurgitate it back to you, so by the end of this post you hopefully have an understanding of what the hell just happened or are more confused than ever. Which you will be once I get to the Republican stuff.

A Worthwhile ‘Publicity Stunt’

Leading up to the interview the general consensus was, “Of course, the Kardashians have to make this a media circus” coupled with intense eye-rolling – And I was right there with you. – but by the time Bruce’s interview finished airing, it was overwhelmingly clear that this was a groundbreaking moment for transgender Americans and a worthwhile “publicity stunt” because while gay rights have taken a prominent role in our national discourse, transgenders are an afterthought if not completely ignored. So say whatever you want – “Why is this even news?” seems to be the bitch-ass statement of choice. – but there’s no denying the monumental impact of Bruce Jenner’s interview, and I’m definitely not about to discount anything that continues to drag this country kicking and screaming out of the Dark Ages even if I fault him for not cutting off the head of the snake. Which brings me to…

Kris Jenner Is A Kunt

While Bruce Jenner’s ex-wives Chrystie Crownover and Linda Thompson both offered statements of support to be aired during the interview, Kris Jenner brushed off ABC News with a “no comment” then tried to lie and say she was never contacted which ABC immediately refuted:

ABC News countered Kris’ claims with a statement released to Us Weekly on Friday, April 24. “ABC News sent an email to her publicity team more than once,” the network told Us. “They called and said no comment.”

After looking like a soulless harpie – who clearly knew way more than she pretended to not know – in an interview watched by nearly 17 million people, Kris is now nothing but love and support because, at the end of the day, there’s a never-ending gusher of press to be milked as long as it’s filtered through the brand’s udders.

So What Exactly Is Bruce?

As of this post, Bruce Jenner identifies as a woman, with a new female name withheld for privacy, but he’s – and that is the pronoun he prefers for now – not gay and is interested in women. As for how the hell any of that works, I genuinely have no idea, but he’s not hurting anybody, so who the fuck cares?

The Even More Confusing Part

And now for the most shocking part of the interview which on its face doesn’t make any sense, but then it does when you remember Bruce Jenner is still very, very rich. Via Huffington Post:

Sawyer, after highlighting issues of unemployment and workplace discrimination faced by the transgender community, asked Jenner if he cheered on Obama earlier this year when the president became the first to use the word “transgender” as he called for action on these issues during his State of the Union Address.
“He actually was the first one to say the actual word transgender, I will certainly give him credit for that,” Jenner replied. “But not to get political, I’ve just never been a big fan — I’m kind of more on the conservative side.”
“Are you a Republican?” Sawyer asked.
“Yeah! Is that a bad thing? I believe in the Constitution.”

And we’re through the looking glass, people:

Sawyer wondered whether a transgender individual affiliating with the Republican Party might be “an unsettling thing” for conservative Republicans, but Jenner told her neither party “has a monopoly on understanding.” Sawyer asked Jenner whether he would ask Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) or House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) to “help champion this cause.”
“I would do that, yeah, in a heartbeat,” Jenner said. “Why not? And I think they’d be very receptive to it.

For once, I’m going to set aside blanket statements about all Republicans being homophobic because there are exceptions to every rule, but you’re being willfully obtuse if you want to argue that the elected officials and most prominent voices in the party aren’t actively engaged in limiting LBGT rights. I mean, shit, here’s John Boehner’s own words on gay marriage. Via Gawker:

“Listen, I believe that marriage is the union of one man and one woman. All right. It’s what I grew up with. It’s what I believe. It’s what my church teaches me. And I can’t imagine that position would ever change.”

And here’s Mitch McConnell’s:

“I’M A TURTLE MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A TURTLE.”

That said, Log Cabin Republicans have embraced Bruce Jenner with open arms which is great because Bruce can see firsthand how his own party treats LBGT members, and it’s telling them to stay the fuck away from CPAC. In the meantime, right-wing shitheads who think they’re clever are trying to paint liberals as being “intolerant” of Bruce because he came out as a Republican are confusing intolerance with shocked horror as a man whose new mission is to end discrimination aligns himself with a party who would make it legal to stone him to death if they could get away with it. In a few quick words, Bruce Jenner went from a shining beacon of acceptance to jumping right into a woodchipper. So if it’s intolerance to watch that and go, “No, God, wait!” then, fine, we’re intolerant of watching potential wasted because Bruce Jenner thinks Paul Revere didn’t want him to pay taxes or some stupid bullshit. That said, he saw the Indiana thing, right? Did he miss that? It’s not like he hasn’t been preoccupied.

Everything Else

What make Kris Jenner’s claim that ABC News never contacted her all the more ridiculous is I’ve received a buttload of emails for every single quote Bruce made, so everyone involved in this production was meticulous as shit. So here are all of those in case you want to know/understand more about Bruce’s journey or really, really don’t want to work. It’s an historic moment in social progress, so really, you deserve to get paid to watch it. And to maybe click on a few bikini photos. What’s HR going to do? Fire you? — “Internet Use Policy?” What do those words even mean?

Bruce Jenner: “I’m A Woman
Bruce Jenner: “This is not a publicity stunt.”
Bruce Jenner remembers first time he wore a dress.
Bruce Jenner on who he told first.
Bruce Jenner took female hormones in the 80s.
Bruce Jenner: “I’m not gay.”
Bruce Jenner: “I had the story (regarding KUWTK).”
Bruce Jenner was terrified to tell his kids.
Brandon Jenner: “More proud than ever” of his father.
Bruce Jenner: “Kim caught me one time in a dress.”
Bruce Jenner on Kanye helping Kim Kardashian “turn a corner.”
Bruce Jenner Interview: Unseen Footage

Photo: ABC News