Bruce Jenner Wasn’t Invited To Kim & Kanye’s Engagement, Will Probably Kill Himself

October 24th, 2013 // 36 Comments
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According to TMZ, Bruce Jenner was not invited to Kim and Kanye’s engagement which probably was the greatest thing that ever happened to him, short of no longer having sex with an arid vagina that speaks Satanic prophecy, because it turns out Bruce fucking hates Kim, Kourtney and Khloe and doesn’t want his real daughters to turn into “stupid, needy attention whores” like them. The National Enquirer reports:

The ENQUIRER has exclusively learned that the feuding couple – who have been living apart for months – had a tremendous blowup in early October during which Bruce blasted Kris’ three oldest daughters as “stupid, needy attention whores,” according to a family insider.
The explosive confrontation started during an argument about the future of their daughters Kendall, 17, and Kylie, 16, say sources.
“Bruce had opposed Kendall and Kylie dropping out of high school last year to be home-schooled, but Kris insisted on it,” revealed an insider. “Bruce wanted them to go to college, but Kris called it a waste of time since they have so many business opportunities.”
Then Kris made a tasteless crack about 32-year-old Kim’s infamous sex tape with Ray J that helped propel her and the family to reality stardom.
“Kris said she could make $5 million overnight if she got Kendall and Kylie to film sex tapes,” said the insider. “Kris was only joking but Bruce blew his stack.
“He pointed his finger in her face and accused her of selling out her daughters to fund her own expensive tastes.”

I know this is The National Enquirer, but if there’s one thing I believe more than anything else in this world, it’s that Kris Jenner absolutely sits around thinking of ways to get Kendall and Kylie into their own sex tapes. She probably invites boys over and leaves for weeks after setting up nanny cams. “Now, listen, I won’t be back for at least 14 days, so there’s no possible way I might walk in the door at any given moment. In fact, I’ll call you as soon as I land at the airport and let you know how far I am from the house. Oh, and there’s some liquor in the fridge. You kids have fun!”

Photo: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto,Splash News, WENN

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  1. Come on, murder-suicide!

  2. “Kris was only joking … .”

    Au contraire.

  3. The Bomb Cliche

    Wow. It’s like Satan and a facelifted Archangel Michael fighting for the soul of those children.

  4. Didn’t Bruce admit to being a completely absent, shitty father to his multiple kids that he fathered with multiple women? He might not be as bad as Kris, but he’s not going to take away that “#1 Dad” shirt from Morty Seinfeld anytime soon.

    • The Bomb Cliche

      I bet this has more to do with merchandising and syndication rights than a sudden illumination of conscience.

  5. Bruce needs to turn the Kardashian House into Newtown Elementary.

  6. anonymous

    That National Enquirer writer should win a Pulitzer for reporting the true about the Kardashian assbags.

  7. Dox

    We’re going about this all wrong. We need to convince Nasa to fund a colony to Mars. We shove her, and her douchebag daughters into a small ship, and slingshot the entire lot of them into space.

    Now, here’s were it gets fun. We want them to feel at home, so we plant camera’s all over the ship. Then, we rig the ship “Event Horizon” style. While they are occupied, we change the course of the ship for the sun.

    Then… we sell the whole show on Pay Per View, and balance the stupid budget. After which, we take whatever’s left over, sterilize the entire Kardashian genetic line, encase Kanye West in a lead lined, cement covered box, and drop him in the Marinas Trench. We take North away, hand her over to someone remotely normal, and hope they can undo the damage to her psyche these idiots have done.

    See. Win Win Win situation.
    Everyone goes to bed at night feeling good.

    • That’s a fucken lot of $ , u gonna contribute?

      • Dox

        If money’s an issue, we could go with my plan B.

        Plan B is we lock them in a warehouse. The warehouse is staged with various makeshift melee weapons. We pump the warehouse full of hallucinogenic gas, and use strobe lights, creepy music, and naked pictures of Jonah Hill to see if we can drive them into a cannibalistic murder frenzy.

        If they manage to resist, we release a pair of tigers who have had electrodes taped to their testicles for at least a half hour. If they manage to survive that, we release a horde of rabid wombats into the room. IF they survive all of that, we send Bruce Jenner in, drunk on Night Train, in a clown suit, wielding a nerf bat with Payless shoes duck taped to it.

        That would be cheaper. But I see no way to drag it out for years.

      • EnglishTeacherAnni

        Is anybody else here the teensiest bit worried about Dox?

      • You mean because he misspelled “duct taped”?

      • Dox

        I didn’t misspell it.
        I meant Duck Tape. You can take that either as tape made from ducks… which just amuses the ever loving hell out of me…or the brand of duct tape, called duck tape… which is kind of a…. mind boggling, time traveling paradox.

      • Huh. I wonder what worried Anni, then? The tape was the only possibly worrying thing that *I* noticed. The rest of it seemed entirely reasonable and wholly justified. I have some Night Train I’m willing to kick in, if we go with plan B.

      • I like Plan B, mostly because no O rings are involved. Plus, Payless shoes and naked Jonah Hill as nightmare-inducing speaks directly to the American psyche. Let the healing begin!

    • JC

      One minor change: If we’re going to rig the ship “Event Horizon” style, then it should have a malfunctioning gravity drive that takes them all to some hellish alternate dimension, so that when they come back to this universe, they have hallucinations and tear each other’s faces off.

    • I’m all for that idea.

    • The Bomb Cliche

      The plan has a small but important logistical flaw, Dox. How are we supposed to shove all that Kardashian ass into a small ship? – Other than that I’m on board with this… no wait, that came out wrong.

      • Holy shit! With all of those different gravitational pulls, this could spell the end of the universe. Or worse, if the gravitational pulls are all in sync, it might create a black hole. And there’s no way in hell the Kardashian women know what to do with black holes. Or do they?

  8. Look at him! In a far far Galaxy far away , he once had balls and was a dude but due to the (Kendall) Empire ,he is an eunuch and fugly cross dresser.

  9. Somewhere right now Billy Ray Cyrus is packing up a coffee mug that says “Too Little, Too Late” and mailing it to Bruce.

  10. JimBB

    The only chance those girls had of not becoming stupid, needy attention whores ended about 1.5 seconds after they were born–when they weren’t immediately secreted away to a tiny island in the middle of some impoverished region where Kris Jenner could never, ever find them.

  11. It’s way too late to be complaining about your daughter’s future, Bruce. Kris has already set them down the path to famewhoredom. I’m looking forward to those sex tapes though. If they’re going to shove these assholes in my face all the damn time I better get something out of it.

  12. memoo

    If Kris actually does get Kylie Jenner into a sex tape, I’ll forgive her for everything else she has done.

  13. Kim Kardashian Clevage Huge Butt Tight Dress DASH Store
    Yossarian
    Commented on this photo:

    “Ms. Kardashian, the car is this way. No, no, behind you. No, just turn around- Ms. Kardashian? UGH! Can someone bring me the jumper cables? She’s short circuited again.”

  14. “…Oh, and there’s some liquor in the fridge. You kids have fun!”

    “And don’t forget to reload the video cameras every morning…”

  15. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    This poor man has seen the light, only it’s come too late. He’s staring into the bowels of Hell after having passed Heaven’s gate in total obliviousness. Bruce, it’s called reaping what you sow, my firend. Welcome to your own self-generated nightmare.

  16. Kim Kardashian Clevage Huge Butt Tight Dress DASH Store
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d love to see that fat ass ‘dash’.

  17. It's Always Sunny in Atlanta

    Come on… using the enquirer as a source? YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS!

  18. Kim Kardashian Clevage Huge Butt Tight Dress DASH Store
    Bob
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks obese.

  19. Will these people ever go the fuck away

  20. Kim Kardashian Clevage Huge Butt Tight Dress DASH Store
    Woman amazed
    Commented on this photo:

    yep….i dont get why this girl is highly paid or noticed…for what???? seriously!!

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