Brooke Shields, in what seems to be a complete defiance of logic, found herself swarmed by the paparazzi yesterday. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but Brooke, you sort of look like a certain somebody who gets a lot of media attention. I know your first thought is that it must be Catherine Zeta Jones, but ha, yeah, you wish, so it’s actually Britney Spears. This may seem like a slap in the face, because it is, but I wrote you a letter during this time of hurting:
Dear Brooke Shields,
Words cannot soothe the deep, unimaginable psychological scarring this news may have caused you. But I just want you to know that I thought you were really awesome in that movie I can’t remember the name of. You know, the one where your husband lets you spend the night with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Good stuff. Anyway, know you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
The Superficial Writer.
P.S. Indecent Proposal! Wait, that was Demi Moore. Okay, let’s start over. What are you famous for again? It’s gotta be something. I know! You’re the little girl that fell in the well. Aw, look at you. All growed up.