Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants

April 14th, 2008 // 58 Comments

Brooke Hogan hosted a charity boxing event over the weekend that will be featured on an episode of her new reality show Brooke Knows Best. I always like to see others succeed*, so here’s a few tips that Brooke should know best about:

1. Don’t ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I’m now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis.

2. You’re not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude’s butt, I’d watch football – with a room full of male strippers. I don’t half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing.

3. Be cognizant of what words you’re standing under. Particularly the letters “T, R, A, N, S.”

4. Lead with the boobs. Your mother had them installed as some sort of cruel affront to God and nature so you might as well flaunt those round, blasphemous fun-bags like it’s your job. (Hint: It is.)

Best of luck to you! I guarantee to never watch your show,

The Superficial Writer

*Criss Angel, Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and the entire cast of The Hills excluded. And, oh yeah, Dustin Diamond.

Photos: Splash News

  1. Prof

    You guys know you would fuck her if you had the chance! Some of you would even give her the reach around!

  2. hey check out this awesome backstage channel from fiddy !
    it`s da shit:

    peace !

  3. FCS

    That’s one hot dude

  4. B Careful

    I’d advise checking for a penis on this one. She is a man!

  5. redsonja1313

    I have always felt strongly that Seth Green needed to marry me just on the fact he is so brilliant and well Robot Chicken is the best and even though I am sure we will bear ugly short redheaded stepchildren, I still wanted him…………….but alas the great and powerful OZ maybe pushed aside for my anonymous but I am sure handsome, swanky superficial writer. Besides going lesbian for Chelsea Handler my secret superficial writer may just be the most brilliant man on the planet !!! Do you have an action figure yet??? cause that really turns me on too !!! I am sure that acerbic tongue has mystical powers

  6. redsonja1313

    Unless you secretly ARE Seth Green, then I know I have died and gone to deep fried Twinkie heaven

  7. It’s not her fault she has amazonian blood in her veins. At least she big enough to defend herself from attacks.

  8. What a ^%$&$%$ woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The magazine WEALTHY GOSSIP reported her joined the rich woman seeking sugar babies site ”w e a l t h y l o v in g . c o m ” and she is mentioned to find her sugar boy there! the magazine foolx she????????????or fools us?????

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