Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants

April 14th, 2008 // 58 Comments

Brooke Hogan hosted a charity boxing event over the weekend that will be featured on an episode of her new reality show Brooke Knows Best. I always like to see others succeed*, so here’s a few tips that Brooke should know best about:

1. Don’t ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I’m now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis.

2. You’re not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude’s butt, I’d watch football – with a room full of male strippers. I don’t half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing.

3. Be cognizant of what words you’re standing under. Particularly the letters “T, R, A, N, S.”

4. Lead with the boobs. Your mother had them installed as some sort of cruel affront to God and nature so you might as well flaunt those round, blasphemous fun-bags like it’s your job. (Hint: It is.)

Best of luck to you! I guarantee to never watch your show,

The Superficial Writer

*Criss Angel, Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and the entire cast of The Hills excluded. And, oh yeah, Dustin Diamond.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. Dfly

    First

  2. Dfly

    What is she doing these days, maybe hooking her dad up with her friends now that he’s single!

  3. urgetodobad

    that is one FUGLY person.

  4. JImmy

    . Lead with the boobs!! that’s really nice talking!! know what? if u swanna date hot girls, ur barking up the wrong tree for sticking here, try this one, bro : _millionairloves.com_ many wealthy singles are dating there,anyway!good luck!! win the love and wealth at the same time!!

  5. PunkATrover

    Nothing wrong with her really, if you’re as large as an NFL offensive lineman. She is built for the larger guy. Maybe a WWE type of guy, too. Or a fat trucker.

  6. Andy

    She should do a lesbian porno with Kim. She’s the only one who could handle the heavy lifting.

  7. Ted from LA

    Stop it haters. He looks great.

  8. PunkA

    I think her nose is as large as KK’s vag. It is HUGE.

  9. Dr. Phil MyBalls

    Just two questions…

    Has anyone ever visited these annoying spammy websites like #4?

    How many would visit a website which featured annoying spammers getting their asses kicked?

    My guess for the two questions… 0 and millions.

  10. Sabrina

    If I looked like that, I would probably die from extreme anorexia. Look at her! She’s two times bigger than an average guy. Dating must be horrifying for her and what about fitting into cars?
    What about that face? That seriously sucks to be her.

  11. mellie

    @4 “thats really nice talking!!” <<<< wtf??? i hate these spammers and no i havent ever visited their site…what on earth is the registered email from these asses??

  12. RENEE

    Oh but she tries so hard, doesn’t she? Actually, thats part of her problem; she tries TOO hard. Although I have to say, she actually kind of looks like Cameron Diaz in the pic where she’s staring directly into the camera (not that thats a good thing now a days). But the Trans lettering; thats way too funny; what timing for a pic! Poor Brooke!

  13. jane

    she looks exactly like this girl i knew in junior high that ended up as a retarded meth-head.

  14. tranny trainwreck

    she would be perfect as a blonde Vida Boheme in the sequel to To Wong Foo.

  15. jane

    also, BEWILDERDERMENT?

  16. Auntie Kryst

    What weight class would you put her in?? She’s a definite middleweight, I’m not quite sure if she could box light heavyweight.

  17. Look at this penis!

    Her and KK should have a big dick/adam’s apple competition.

  18. jesse

    It’s sad when a chick has a manly chin… that she got from her mom.

    She does have nice legs though. Gotta give her that.

  19. Bemused

    Brooke rocks! She has her father’s looks and her mother’s ‘wrestling’ skill! The sky’s the limit!

  20. GUT THIS WHORE ALREADY

    #14

    YOU CALLED THAT ONE CORRECTLY. SHE TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE PATRICK SWAYZE IN THE FACE

  21. Clem

    Someone needs to tell that bloke to put some bloody trousers on!

  22. hate you for no reason

    People with wide, flat asses: PLEASE DO NOT WEAR SPANDEX. EVER.
    Tape Brooke’s back shot on your mirrors and look at it EVERY time BEFORE you walk out the door.

  23. deacon jones

    hmmm
    I usually dont start fantasizing about trannies until sundown, but fuck it! Where’s my Jergens lotion?????

  24. FYI

    ‘She does have nice legs though’

    You’re a funny guy.

  25. Mex E. Melt

    BROOKE ISN’T SUCH A NICE GIRL. SHE RECENTLY WAS IN MEMPHIS TENN. MISBEHAVING WITH SOME FRIENDS.

    SEE FOOTAGE HERE.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT2UmZxzmjs

  26. Sara

    HAHAHAHAHAHA You’re hilarious!!!!!!

  27. Tony

    This is exactly the type of gender bending that the Democrats want to CELEBRATE. If they win, all our values will be lost.

  28. tight lipped smiler

    Where’s her flying tiger dragon tat clutching a snake with a skull for its head wrapped in the national flag of racist rednecks written in Chinese?

  29. Here’s a pic of former “female” pro wrestler Chyna’s “clit”.

    Survey: Do you think Brooke’s is bigger or smaller?

  30. Anexio

    Broke is a really good person and we all kno it so lets sotop kid aresefes and talks about all the thing that she do is good which is all the times. she hasa a pop album out and its good of course and she is doing realy well with that but as you can she see does the stuff for all the childrens and the poor and sick to.

    Just to say again, brokke is more than the pop star we all know her as she a good butiful person that does good thinkgs that help pople for ever.

  31. BrookSux

    Dude looks like a lady. Or lady looks like a dude? Or dude looks like a dude?

  32. That Guy

    My GOD! she’s like the crimzon chin except with extra chin, if she fell of a cliff her chin would grab hold of the edge, if she couldn’t find a bottle opener she wud just use her chin, if she was a ninja and forgot her weapons she wud just use her chin to kill her enemies. Thats a chin people, watch yourselves out there it could be dangerous.

  33. Yo Momma

    WHITE GIRLS ARE SO UGLY. THEY AGE VERY QUICKLY.

  34. Sam

    Ok, girls, here’s the truth that none of your boyfriends will ever admit to you. If we had one night with Brooke, with no way anybody could ever find out, after getting a little drunk and high…we’d be very willing to “see what it’s like” if a cock sprang out of her panties. Everybody knows it, but few will even admit that they have that fantasy.

  35. poonmoon

    Here are some other tips:

    *You are manly it’s a FACT, and tallness only adds fuel to the manfire.So DO NOT wear heels EVER as they only further accentuate your sasquatchness. Femininity is about being petite and danity, and you are big and elephanty so anything to help you look more dainty will help in your pursuit to convince us that you are female.

    *Eating disorders are bad, but in your case I would suggest getting one ASAP because the starvation would cause your body to eat it’s own muscle which might help you look more like a woman and less like a body builder. If you don’t know where to get an eating disorder don’t worry just spend as much time in Hollywood as possible preferably in the viscinity of the olsen twins or Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie and you’ll get one in no time. They are actually very contageous.

    *Try dying you hair another color because when we see you looking all bond and manly we instantly picture the hulk and that’s just not pretty.

    *you had your boobs done, that’s great now it’s time to get that chin and the manhands ladyfied.

    * Lastly , now this should have been done years ago but you really need to get that hella obvious hormone disorder diagnosed cause that shit ain’t right. You have as much testosterone as your daddy and there actually is medication for it. Would have been more helpful a while ago but that’s neither here nor there.

    *Lastly please tell your paps that you don’t want to follow in his wrestling footsteps because then maybe he’ll finally stop injecting you with steroids, remember less steroids = less manliness.

    Poonmoon (all the girls are doing so Brooke you don’t qualify, yet)

  36. abdo

    Superfish..You’re right man!!!

  37. she's a dude

    Booke Hogan looks like a fucking dude. Like a tranny Hulk Hogan.
    Any guy who finds this manly looking woman somehow attractive is just simply GAY because he’s attracted to men.

  38. imagination

    That man has really big boobs…

  39. ldsqtbea

    i think shes pretty … funny looking chin but shes still pretty :-D and has really pretty eyes too

  40. Dick Bush

    Hmmmm…

    I’d do it with a 4″ extension and a 1/2 bottle of Maker’s Mark.

    I may have to smack her a couple of times to stay hard.

    Wish me luck…

  41. ixz

    I don’t like her or anything… but look at her parents, how could they possibly make good looking children (especially female)? Her mom is pretty butch looking and her dad… is well the fucking Hulk.

  42. BoboTed

    @28Tony- Go fuck yourself.

    If Repugs win, all these “gender-benders” will be put to death like in Dubbya’s friends’ country Saudi Arabia.

  43. Bigheadmike

    I dont know…. Something about her is quite hot.
    I am confused also.

  44. jeopardy

    #26

    that was so wrong. lmfao!

  45. Dick Cheney

    “If Repugs win, all these “gender-benders” will be put to death like in Dubbya’s friends’ country Saudi Arabia.”

    So?

  46. riotboy

    Give me 2 hours with Brooke.

    /she’s so HOT

  47. Sheaaat. I’d hit it. Big time baby!

    http://wtcctr.blogspot.com

  48. Sheaaat. I’d hit it. Big time baby!

    http://wtcctr.blogspot.com

  49. King Wang

    I get why her old man is famous, and maybe even rarely in the 3rd rate movies Hulkster is good at with Roddy Piper. His heyday was the 80′s, which oddly, is what Brooke’s body looks like it transported from during a recent “Star Trek” time warp episode.

    I thought Chunky Noodle was out?

    But……..c’mon. Seriously. This bitch isn’t very hot.

    She isn’t even girl next door, unless you live next door to a mannequin factory.
    Or an Alpo processing plant.

    In other words: At best she rates a half-hard, semi-flaccid, partially upraised Average on my “stroke material” list.

    Oh yea, Hulk takes the anabolic ‘roids, so everyone talking shit about his daughter is a dead man.

    Lucky you, I am moving right now………

    PS.
    Chyna’s clit is most likely on ‘roids, and more muscular, and even larger than my dick, however, that is impossible since I am hung like a small mule.
    Also, I will never find out, as women with a lot of muscle turns me instantly gay, into a lesbian in fact, for hot chicks with no muscles. Weird huh?

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