Britney’s Boyfriend Allegedly Beats Her (Updated with Recording)

“You gon’ go buy me a sandwich wich year dancin’ money, woman. Now git.”

In one of the most ludicrous claims ever leveled at the Britney Spears’ camp so I’m not even going to pretend to take it seriously, Star is reporting Britney’s husband for two days, Jason Alexander, received an hysterical phone call from the pop star where she accused Jason Trawick of beating her despite the fact she’s under state-mandated supervision literally 24/7:

“Britney is in an abusive relationship,” the entertainer’s first husband says in a detailed interview with Star. “She told me her life had turned into a nightmare.”
Childhood friends Britney and Alexander stayed in touch after their 55-hour marriage was annulled in 2004. But their casual texts, phone calls and emails took a dark turn when she recently confided that Trawick “hit her so hard it gave her a black eye,” Alexander says.
And the abuse wasn’t a solitary incident, Alexander tells Star in our issue. Nor was it the only jaw-dropping secret the megastar told her ex! She also revealed that she had been pregnant with Trawick’s child earlier this year, Alexander says.

First off, this entire story hinges on the fact that Britney Spears engages in conversations that doesn’t involve bartering for sugar water, so that’s an immediate red flag. Not to mention it makes some fairly large assumptions that she’s capable of the following:

A. Operating a phone without thinking it’s candy.
B. Writing coherent text messages on said phone. (Right there you lost me.)
C. Having even a shred of self-awareness despite evidence to the contrary here and here.

Look, I don’t want to make light of domestic violence because then Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen start getting ideas, but let’s be realistic here. Britney Spears is a ward of the state who not only lives with her father, but has a security detail that’s paid to stand in restroom stalls with her so she’s not alone for more than 30 seconds. Those guys even blink and suddenly there are rolls of toilet paper with bites taken out of them. As for Jason Trawick, he’s handsomely rewarded for being labeled “The Mongoloid Molester” among his peers even though it’s just a facade to make Britney Spears look capable of complex human emotions. Granted, he’ll never regain his respect and dignity, he’s literally a year away from building his own Hooker Island to retire on. Life’s about sacrifice, folks.

UPDATE: And RadarOnline just posted the below audio recording that’s supposedly the phone call between Britney and Jason Alexander. Almost instantly I questioned it’s authenticity based on the voice, but more importantly the glaring lack of “y’all’s.” You guys can decide for yourself.

Photos: Splash News