Britney Spears may have failed drug test


Reports have been circulating over the weekend that Britney Spears failed a drug test. However her friends and handlers are saying it was a false reading. They claim it was Britney’s prescription for Provigil – used to treat her narcolepsy – that botched the test. TMZ did some investigating and learned that these claims are bogus:

In generic drug testing — the type performed on Britney — there is not a special screening for Provigil.
In addition, we know the tests actually performed on Spears (until last week) all came back negative, and she had been taking Provigil before that.

Some people ask me why I don’t do any investigative journalism. Who says I don’t? I scour the internet for a good 10-15 minutes everyday looking for celebrity photos that give you, the reader, a boner. Or for you ladies they give you further reason to doubt your appearance and self-worth. I’m a national treasure; I get it. Anyway, I do a lot of hard journalism in my boxers before I get tanked at noon. So, ask me that question again when my Pulitzer arrives. In the meantime, I’ve got a lunch appointment – with destiny. And by destiny I mean a dump truck full of bourbon.