Britney Spears’ label says a normal life is for chumps


Britney Spears’ label Jive Records issued a press release stating their support for Britney during her personal troubles. Here’s what they said, as reported by Us Magazine:

“Jive is enormously excited about Britney’s new album, and we’re confident that it will secure her reputation as one of the great recording artists of her time. As Britney’s label, it’s not our place to comment on her personal issues, but we do care about her and support her. There’s no question that when performers attain the level of celebrity that Britney has, they tend to be treated by the press and public as if they were cartoon or soap-opera characters, and we forget that they’re actually human beings. People say that’s the trade-off you make for success in the entertainment industry – that if you want to make it big, you have to surrender your privacy or the ability to lead a normal life. But sometimes you make that bargain before you realize what it entails. Britney’s a grown woman who makes her own choices, and we respect that. But she faces challenges that most of us can’t really imagine.”

So screw your family, all that matters is being rich and famous. I’m reading you loud and clear, Jive. Go capitalism! Poor Benjamin Franklin must be rolling in his grave right now. He’s also probably thinking to himself: “What’s all this tomfoolery about that fine, young tart’s increased plumpness? I’d frolic her bottom end henceforth in a jovial fashion for an entire fortnight!” You didn’t know Franklin was a chubby chaser? I’m actually not making this one up. So maybe one time I said Abe Lincoln punched a Martian. No one’s been able to prove that he didn’t, so I stand by my theory. But the Ben Franklin and fat chicks thing; totally true. See, I can be educational.