Britney Spears is the Antichrist, tries to hang herself

March 5th, 2007 // 139 Comments
britney-spears-antichrist.jpg

Britney Spears allegedy tried to hang herself with a bedsheet after writing 666 on her shaved head and running around the rehab facility screaming “I am the Antichrist!” at frightened staff. A friend of her says:

“She attached a sheet to a light and tied it around her neck. Paramedics were called, but luckily she was unhurt.” But within days out-of-control Britney had swung from suicidal to matrimonial as she told hubby Kevin Federline she wanted to take him back, renew their wedding vows and get pregnant.

What’s left for her to do? The only way she could fall any farther is if she got huge boob implants and then drew a face on a watermelon and pretended it was her baby.

superficial

  1. buzz_clik

    John Waters should direct her biopic. No other director would do her justice.

  2. moondoggy

    #95…I’m hoping you are the queen of irony. Otherwise there is a room right next to Britney’s just for you. K-fed is a ‘beautiful man’??? What the hell?

    Britney might be smarter than we all think. They’ve brought out a Britney doll, complete with straitjacket and bald head. (possibilities are endless for merchandising here even for the accessories – this week its a bedsheet, black artline and an umbrella) http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=39090&in_page_id=7

    Fricken hilarious.

  3. Bree

    99: So Britney Spears is off limits, but Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole are okay to make fun of? I’m sorry, but if you’re going to do stupid shit like shave your head and try to hang your fat ass with a bed sheet, then you deserve all the criticism you get.

    She needs to be euthanized.

  4. Laffinmybuttoff

    If you posting News Of the World articles be sure the post about the woman having an aliens baby and the 6000 pound gorilla terrorising a small town in Ireland

  5. Oh, gimme a break– this story is faker than Jennifer Aniston’s new nose!!

  6. Carsten5577

    I’m impatiently waiting for her to slash her wrists.

  7. pana1718

    im rich bitch! a made a bet about a week ago that she would try to kill herself now i have tons of money… now im making a bet that the next time she’ll manage to comit sucide.

  8. no1justminda

    Dr. Phil was actually sticking up for her today calling her a good mother. Whaaaaaaaaat?

  9. Courtney

    How about Britney’s Mom hangs herself for creating such a sad and lonely little girl.

  10. funlaw

    This story is way too funny to be true.

  11. kbb

    @ #94- are you on your period? stop being a little bitch about it. its just a blog like you said…and we are having fun. too bad people like you have to come along and ruin it. booooooooooooooooring.

  12. drowningfool

    Hey Britney, Satan called me the other day and he really wants his face back.

  13. sumnersgal

    WOW!!! Didn’t see that one coming!
    #38 – you are fucking hilarious!

  14. belle

    LUCKILY she wasn’t hurt?! Psht.. Yeah right. Why didn’t she get it over with?

  15. CarnieWilson

    I wonder if she spoke in tougues…

  16. schack

    my phone number starts with 666. no joke.

    i was at a yankee day parade, when a guy asked me for my number, and as i handed it to him, he threw it on the ground, and matter-of-factly asked me for my REAL number. and i was like, “it’s where you dropped it,” after which he spent the next few minutes looking for it, and then retreated in shame.

  17. WTFiswrongwithUppl

    “Although funny enough I HAVE heard that Satan uses her Vag as a back entrance to hell when the front gate is too crowded.”

    WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

  18. Lowlands

    Do you remember the movie ‘Nosferatu’?I think it’s from the 20′s.Maybe a new career opportunity for her?

  19. sid

    25: Was I in the running?

    Somebody else doing a parody song, LIKE MEEE? Well, mine is two weeks old, but I saved it. I changed the part about puking on the Humvee to something about this newest incident, and added a few lines about MTV, just to jazz it up…

    BATTLE OF THE FUCKING BANDS!!!!!!

    Bad, Bad, Brtiney Spears

    *sung to the tune of Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown
    by Jim Croce

    Well the south side of Los Angeles
    There’s a hillbilly grinding her gears
    And if you go down there
    You just better beware
    Of a woman named Britney Spears

    Now Britney more than trouble
    You see she stand bout five foot four
    All the downtown tramps call her a dirty skank
    All the mens just call her a whore

    And its bad, bad Britney Spears
    Craziest bitch that we’ve seen in years
    More white trash than young Jethro
    Dirtier than a junkyard ho

    Now Britney she a gambler
    And rolled the dice on Federline
    No-talent wigger knocked her up fast
    And cheated on her all the time

    She got a pretty little nose job
    She got pumped up boobies too
    She got a worn out bald pussy between her legs
    She showed it to me and you

    And its bad, bad Britney Spears
    Craziest bitch that we’ve seen in years
    More white trash than young Jethro
    Dirtier than a junkyard ho

    They say that just the other day
    Britney pretended to be the devil’s whore
    And two weeks before that
    She partied with strippers
    While her babies cried alone on the floor

    Well we cast our eyes upon her
    Crazy bitch is goin’ insane
    If Britney don’t soon learn to slow down
    She’ll have nobody else to blame

    And its bad, bad Britney Spears
    Craziest bitch that we’ve seen in years
    More white trash than young Jethro
    Dirtier than a junkyard ho

    Well Britney shaved her head clean
    And the Superfish’s penis wept
    Fucked-up girl needs to head for the hills
    There ain’t too much time that’s left

    And its bad, bad Britney Spears
    Craziest bitch that we’ve seen in years
    More white trash than young Jethro
    And dirtier than a junkyard ho

    She was given so much money
    For shakin’ her ass on MTV
    Given so many chances
    That we didn’t have
    She wasted opportunity

    She won’t be sellin’ no Pepsi
    She lost the Sketchers contract too
    When the money runs out, you’ll all find out
    She’s made herself a sex tape too

    And its bad, bad Britney Spears
    Craziest bitch that we’ve seen in years
    More white trash than young Jethro
    Dirtier than a junkyard ho

    More white trash than young Jethro
    Dirtier than a junkyard ho

    —————————————————–

    Cast your vote NOW!

  20. fame is funny

    so…she shaves her head, gets a tattoo, beats up a car with an umbrella, goes into rehab…but tying to hang herself…THATS JUST OUTLANDISH!

  21. tarjamarja

    Um, don’t they have treatments for whatever mental illness she’s suffering from? A padded room in some mental asylum seems like a good place for her right now.

    Also, what’s the point in getting a whole wing for yourself at the rehab facility when you have a “friend” spilling out all the dirt on a regular basis? And, more importantly, why can’t this friend take some pictures and share them with us?

  22. Depressed people rock!

  23. Adrianus Smith

    She must be going through hell right now. Isn’t it strange that anyone who hangs out with Paris Hilton long enough eventually needs to go to rehab? The fact that Nicole Richie is not so close to Paris Hilton also proves that Paris Hilton must be a junkie since they teach you in rehab not to associate yourself with bad influences from you past lifestyle if you are serious about staying off drugs.

  24. Tpoison

    HAHAHAHHAHA wat a crazy ass story!!!! man! britney is like the circus now…! I agree with #100. i mean she could have lived like a normal human…well as normal as a superstar can be.

  25. Candycane

    You know, I NEVER understood the Britney Spears fascination, and I still don’t.

    The girl could never sing at all, so she got someone to write her some catchy tunes and then learned to dance.

    She was never “sweet”, so she picked the southern accent up a couple of notches every time she needed to sound innocent.

    Britney never has been even remotely intelligent, so her fans blamed the stupid decisions she made on either her husband or friends.

    She had no real charisma, so she danced with snakes and stripped off her clothes on stage for attention.

    Yet through all of these painfully obvious things, people loved Britney Spears.

    And now she is a horrible mother, a drug addict, bald, insane, and possibly the Antichrist…and people still “waiting for a comeback” from her.

    I don’t fucking get it.

    A Spice Girls comeback is more feasible. And frankly, a lot more welcome.

  26. woodhorse

    #33 nice to hear from you.

  27. jrzmommy

    95–nice try, JrzTroll, but why on earth would I suddenly have sympathy for egghead here after I just said I would believe she would stick live grenades up a nun’s ass? And when the day comes that she does stick grenades up a nun’s ass, I hope she saves a few for yours.

  28. rho

    britney need a big help before too late!

  29. HughJorganthethird

    Nice try Brit, but we all know Oprah is the anti-christ. sheesh.

  30. nidge

    I keep thinking that all of this boils down to the fact that Britney has been a “star” since she was, what, ten? Basically, she never learned how to deal with real life and real people and the stuff that happens.

    What I’m saying is, if she had led a normal life before going into entertainment, then K-Fed or his equivalent would’ve been the standard obnoxious-turd loser boyfriend all girls seem to hook up with in junior high or high school.

    Because Britney’s famous, and never had the chance to learn how to deal with romantic drama like this with ordinary friends around to help, like most of us did in high school, she has no idea how to cope.

    Most of the melodramatic dumb-shite teenage soap-opera stuff all the rest of us did in private is suddenly out there for the world to see.

    She’s out of her depth, and too rich to have to listen to anyone who says, “Girl, get your head out of your ass, and listen to the voice of reason and/or experience”.

    My theory, anyway. Your mileage may vary.

  31. kroertjcj

    HOLY SHIT!!!! CAN YOU SAY “UNCLE FESTER?”

  32. kroertjcj

    SORT OF LOOKS LIKE FRED FROM ‘I LOVE LUCY’

  33. MrSemprini

    #130 You are soooo wrong. Its all because of Walt Disney. If he hadn’t created the Mouseketeer Club, we would never have been exposed to Britney. So there.

  34. WTF?

    I’m in:

    Pappi, can’t you see-I’m balding?
    A guy like you, I’ll give a scalding!
    I’m fuckin’ nuts-
    Stop your LOLing!

    There’s no ta-lent
    I can’t hide
    I need a hit
    Sony, give me it
    She’s hair-less
    We’re loving it

    She’s high
    Can’t come down
    Shaves her head
    Drivin’ ’round and ’round
    Feel sorry now?

    With the taste for some chips,
    She’s on a ride
    A choc-late drink-munchie run-
    With a taste of the Hilton paradise
    She’s addicted to crack, don’t you know that she’s tragic?

  35. herbiefrog

    exactly
    what could be better…

    …than if we had enough
    …to provide that bit extra to
    …our friends

    but eventually…
    you will all be the same

    so work out
    how to manage the irrelevant stuff
    without letting it take you over
    cos you just let it

    thats assuming they get it

    o youre going all corny on me

    ok…

    the good of the many…
    outweigh
    the good of the one…

    or…

    [are we nearly there yet ?]

  36. imran karim

    ew

  37. Yourfairytale

    I just feel sorry for the poor thing now. It’s really not funny anymore. Well, I guess it sort of is. But mostly I just feel bad. She probably has post-partum depression. Someone should help her and give her meds.

  38. Terminus

    ROFL ppl nowadays do everything for a lil bit of attention… couldnt sell her body any better than her music so know trys to show off with this kind of bullshit…lmao

  39. lol, i don’t know if this story can get any weirder

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