Britney Spears is screwed

August 13th, 2007 // 59 Comments
britney-spears-lollipop.jpg

Britney Spears’ cousin/assistant Alli Sims was served legal papers at 3 AM Sunday morning as she was leaving a house party in the Hollywood Hills. The documents state that Alli will be forced to testify in the ongoing custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline and she’ll have to discuss Britney’s parenting skills, including whether or not she changes diapers and if she drinks too much.

Britney’s only hope is that the judge forgets to get Alli Sims sworn in. Because if Alli is forced to tell the truth, not only is Britney going to lose the kids, she’ll probably end up in prison. Alli could take the stand and make up stories about Britney forcing her kids to sleep in beehives and it would still make her look better than the truth.

superficial

  1. Stuey

    1ST….maybe….we’ll see when I post this

  2. Stuey

    YEAP…and it’s my 1st time being 1st. awwww I lost my superficial viginity.

  3. I hope zhe killz her fuckin zelf

  4. Murph

    Its like watching an effing train wreck…

    and I am completely unable to look away…

  5. Pete

    i just hope she dies before the trial, that would save money on alchol and court fees

  6. Stuey

    lol Murph…me too. I will not be satisfied till she had a THS and the ending of it ends in her tragic demise. (THS= True Hollywood Story).

    When Paris got in trouble I said, I hope she gets the chair.” lol

  7. Murph

    *snickers* What would the THS ending be tho? Anything has to be less painful that watching her current antics…

    I have noooooooo clue why, but towards the end I actually felt sorry for Paris.

    That is only because her parents spoiled her to the point she had ABSOLUTELY no grip on reality…

    Brat-ney on the other hand is royally effing her kids lives up and deserves to be put down for doing that…

  8. lazy fuck, ztill won’t change thoze extenzionz or comb them

  9. boo

    She looks like Jack White in this pic. HOT!

  10. Stuey

    HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA boo, no u di unt!!! hahahahah

  11. Chauncey Gardner

    What’s with that photo? Did Britney turn into Bono, circa 1988?

  12. Nikky Raney

    lollipop obsession.

  13. hmm.

    This is silly. If there was any real concrete evidence that she was a bad mother she would have had her kids taken away a long time ago. All you people go by is what the tabloids and websites CHOOSE to show you, and you think you know the whole truth. Silly misguided individuals.

  14. Murph

    THS Ending:

    Britney Spears was electrocuted in her bath tub while drunk.

    Sadly, she was trying to remove an Ellio’s pizza from a toaster oven when she knocked the afore mentioned toaster oven into the tub.

    Ironically, the pizza was cooked to perfection in the resulting fire…

  15. You know she’s going to lose those kids, unless Alli decides to lie for Britney. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

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  16. Wonky_Twat

    Dingleheimer!

    Just for you, my sweet whatever.

    OK…I seriously wonder how these kids will survive to adulthood, and if they do, will the world want them? They’re probably already brain-damaged from an all Red Bull-and-Cheetos diet.

  17. Nikky Raney

    i just want to know where she gets her lollipops
    she always has one, and i want to try one
    to see why they are so addicting!

  18. RichPort

    Excellent. That means those annoying little fuckers won’t bother me when I’m fucking their mom in the ass at 3am.

  19. G MONEY

    She’s (Alli) going to lie on the stand, thats what Brittant’s world is all about

  20. Lon Chaney

    She used to be the fantasy of every man in the country.

    Now she will be the bitch of some dyke in prison….

  21. smooth criminal

    Ok, did I missing something?
    What is the powerful method they”re using in courts to force people to be truthful?
    Wait…did you say…they are ASKING them to? Pretty please.

    I wonder how well that works.. Especially when testifying against friends.
    (although I’m guessing Alli is pissed at Britney now? that’s even worse, testifying against people you have a grudge towards, how is it ever going to be fair?)

    Incidently this Alli person is friends with Avril Lavigne. I thought I would mention that for the people who don’t know, as it’s got to be relevant in some way.

  22. my comment

    And her hillbilly cousin is going to tell the TRUTH????
    Ya right!

  23. ali

    at least shes really bald. that makes everything better.

  24. Malffy Hernandes

    Aw, she’s so screwed I almost feel bad…

  25. She makes Michael jackson look like a good parent. That’s hard to do.

  26. mdiz

    A semi retarted feecees hurling chimp would be a better parent…Oh wait…

  27. Lexoka

    “Britney Spears is screwed” ?

    Yeah, sure. Like six times per day, each time by a different guy she randomly picked on the streets.

    As for the main topic, well… being sworn in isn’t like taking LSD, it doesn’t magically make you honest — nor high, but that’s beside the point.

  28. willtherealvictorpleasestandup

    Chauncey, i couldn’t decide if she looked like Cisco Adler or Johnny Depp.

  29. Hollywood Agent

    She need to be tortured.

  30. AT

    FRIST

    I

    THOUGHT

    ZHE

    WAZ

    THE

    BALD

    MAN

    BEHIND

    HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  31. justplainconfused

    Let’s see:

    Bald

    Lollipop obsession

    Dresses like a (male) pimp

    Good God, she’s been possessed by Telly Savalas!

  32. Albaham Rinkon

    Ok. I think its high time to given theft Shitney her own websites eckscloosively. ‘theshitney.com

  33. Laura

    Right on #32!

    I never liked Britney.
    Then I thought what was written about her diffinently losing custody was harsh. Then I remembered, I never liked Britney, and she makes that so easy by being talentless, and an around sad example of a human being.
    Why can’t Angelina adopt the kids?

  34. Dufus

    I hate this crazy women, I hope she kills herself soon. same goes for Lindsay Lohan also

  35. gravy train

    what an ass wipe..sucking on lollipops with x is very 1998…..

  36. gigi

    actually, Brit looks like a cute here in the hat with her lollipop — sorta like some naughty girl droog about to get into some of the old ultraviolence ;)

  37. Chauncey Gardner

    #37,

    Maybe she’s starring in A CLOCKWORK WHORANGE.

  38. Stuey

    hahahah Chauncey….nicely done!

  39. Lexoka

    It just occurred to me: Britney isn’t screwed. To be screwed, she would have to lose her kids *and* give a shit about it. Now I’m sure she’ll lose them… but I doubt she actually cares.

  40. curlyfrie

    brit is over brit is over man finnaly the story ends!! but do you really think her assisstant wont lie for her?

  41. criss

    Get some Britney Spears HQ pics here:
    http://www.blizz.ucgalleries.com/?q=britney

  42. doodie

    MY THS Prediction:

    As the years went by, Britney eventually lost all of her teeth as a result of her pure sugar diet, the decay caused by excessive meth use, and the constant jaw grindind attributed to her daily ecstasy use.

    Britney’s tooth loss did not result in her changing her ways for the better. Instead, Britney discovered that a toothless mouth enabled her to fit even larger lollypops in her cracked out face. It was this realization that would give Britney her Golden ticket to the great Willy Wonka Factory in the Sky.

    On that fateful night, witnesses say they watched as Britney sped into the parking lot at new Hollywood hotspot Les Trois, with both Jayden and Pooky Bear sitting on her lap, playfully handling the steering wheel. While attempting to park, the car slammed into another in the next spot, setting off the black Mercedes’ airbags.

    Both children were recovered safely, however Britney was killed instantly as the impact of the airbag slammed the four blowpops the popstar was sucking on at the time down her throat (sources say the flavors were cherry, watermelon, grape, and, Britney’s favorite, Razzy Razz). Assistant Alli Simms suffered minor neck injuries as the airbag slammed her head into Britney’s pantyless crotch, where the kissing “cousin” was apparently engaging in some lewd sex act unviewable to onlookers.

  43. chiari

    let’s be real here, you can’t be FORCED to testify. aduh, it’s called pleading the 5th (amendment that is). and that sims chick is not the “sims”. she is just an assistant moonlighting as a cousin. and britney is an ugly mess. them kids? they deserve to be with someone normal. kevin is their safest bet.

  44. wedgeone

    #32 and #38 – many kudos to you both, because I just had my ass sewn back onto my body after laughing so hard at your comments. Awesome, dudes!

    #43 – I’d rather see the blow-pops forced out of the back of her skull, where they would get stuck in that nappy weave, requiring another head shaving in order to remove them prior to the funeral.

    Those kids are so fucked.

  45. wedgeone

    #44 – go back to citizenship school, because
    1. I’m almost certain that the 5th amendment is allowed only in criminal cases, not civil (where child custody falls). Someone with a law degree should clarify that.

    2. The 5th amendment prevents you from having to incriminate yourself. That does not apply when you’re on the stand talking about someone else.

    Thus, either she testifies or she gets thrown in jail for contempt of court.

    Or maybe you’re from Louisiana, so your understanding of law is up to par with others from your state. Don’t believe me? You wrote “them kids”. Enough said.

  46. Michael Ujanski

    I head abot somethin called a percopop on the radio the other day. It’s a lollipop containing Fentanyl, an analgesic over 80 times more powerful than morphine. Interesting how brittany is usually seen with a lollipop in her mouth after the club!

  47. Beer Baron

    #12- She could be Bono circa 1980s, but I think she’s sporting a more Johnny Depp-ian influenced look.

    I hope they take her kids from her and then they have some crazy Jerry Springer episode. She’s the female version of “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. Only he’s skinnier.

  48. Nikky Raney

    #47 Michael Ujanski

    are you serious?

  49. ToTellTheTruth

    Bitch looks like Michael Jackson in this photo…

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