Britney Spears is all about the safety

August 17th, 2006 // 61 Comments

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Britney Spears is reportedly making Kevin Federline get rid of his six pet Australian gray nurse sharks because she thinks they’re risky to have with children in the house.

?Kevin loves those sharks,? a family friend told the mag. ?He even named them. But Brit said there?s no way he?d be keeping them.? K-Fed also says Spears is his toughest musical critic. ?She gives me her real opinions about my tunes,? he said, reports Passim. ?When I get really excited about the songs, she would tell me to slow down.?

Britney Spears being concerned about the safety of her children is like the Hamburgler being concerned about the lack of security at McDonalds. If the kids had a choice they’d probably prefer to be raised by the sharks anyway. At least with the sharks they’re only risk is being eaten. WIth Britney they’ve got to worry about being dropped, tied to the roof of a car, or put in a microwave. And being eaten.


  1. vainandlovingit


  2. mikeski

    So the sharks are in a bathtub, then? I mean, put a fence around the tank or something.

    Poor Kevin asks so little. Let him keep his cute, cuddly shark pets.

  3. awwww…he’s so “tyte” already with his little hat cocked to the side!

  4. vainandlovingit

    i did a number two

  5. rachie

    sweet jesus,

    the kid has pants on.

  6. jrzmommy

    What is the purpose of having sharks? Kevin Federline is such a fucking hick. I hate him. Is that like, GANGSTA to have sharks or other man-eating creatures? Like for protection? Is that the high-falutin gangsta’s answer to the pit bull?

    That poor little baby. For his sake I wish someone would tell them there was a mix-up in the nursery and Sean Preston really isn’t theirs…..but also, “unfortunately,” their real baby hasn’t been located. And then some sweet nurse the next time she delivers will take the next kid and keep it in a safe place, thus finally removing all defenseless babies from Dumb & Dumber’s possession.

  7. Tracie

    Poor Sean Preston has already got the “deer-in-the-headlights” look that his mother has perfected. What are the chances that the poor kid ends up with any modicum of intelligence? SP would definitely do better with the sharks…either that, or maybe John Mark Karr.

  8. llllllllll


  9. Alice-Mary


  10. RichPort

    Next she’ll ask him to take down the Meth lab in the back yard. Bitch.

  11. Kfed and pet sharks? I should be surprised at that but I’m really not.

  12. bigponie

    It’s not beyond the realm of possibilities that k-fed actually thought the sharks were in fact real nurses that he intended to use for SP’s health benefits.

  13. Celetina

    By “toughest critic” he probably means “the only person whose criticism I can’t ignore”. He can pretend all he wants that everybody else is just a hater or whatever, but it kind of sucks when you can’t get the approval of your own trashy redneck wife.

    Where is he keeping these sharks, anyway? And why does he think they’re a good investment?

  14. Verbal Osmosis

    @7 – Very timely joke, I dig it.

    Kevin Federline is such a thug, but the ironic thing is that thugs dont like swimming, they live in the concrete jungle. So why does he have sharks? Gangstas dont like water, they certainly don’t like sharks, and they HATE mothaf*ckin snakes on a mothaf*ckin plane!

  15. Geetch

    Seriously? I mean, seriously?

    I love “Whenever I get excited, she tells me to slow down.” Which in so many words is saying, “She tells me that the songs suck and that I have nothing, NOTHING, to be remotely enthused about.”

    POPOZOA, bitches!

  16. #10 – By “Meth lab”, you meant Moon Shine Still and by “backyard” you meant See-ment pond?


  17. jane's eyre

    Britney got all excited that she got a chance to sound like a concerned, responsible mom. Too bad for her, nurse sharks aren’t even really dangerous. How SP would end up in the aquarium (if that’s where he’s keeping them) is beyond me. He’d drown first before getting his toes nibbled on. Nurse sharks are small and forage in the sand for crustaceans and stuff like that.
    Sorry Brit! Try again!

  18. Kev got the bright idea for the sharks from Team America. He wants to be able to press a button and have unwanted solicitors or guests dropped into a tank of hungry sharks. That’s sooo badass. Seriously, how many of us would believe it if we came to this site one day and read that Sean Preston had been bitten by a shark – in his own house. These two deserve a blanket party.

  19. Fitting that they were NURSE sharks, since he’s been nursing at the tit of her money since they met.

  20. jane's eyre

    Maybe K-Fed wanted to attach lasers to the heads of the sharks.

    “Are those fricken’ sharks with fricken’ laser beams attached to their fricken’ heads?”

  21. Alice-Mary

    It’s just a fantastic example of someone who SHOULD be dirt-poor acquiring money and completely wasting it. Cut to: Mike Tyson and his tiger. Simply too stupid to be able to have money and use it sensibly.

    He needs to go back to the trailer park. He obviously can’t handle being anywhere else.

  22. laury

    I will say this : that kid is so adorable, it’s hard to believe that his parents are Britney Spears and Kevin “Douchebag” Federline.

    And it’s funny how someone with so little musical talent like Britney thinks she has the right to criticize Kev’s music…although you don’t have to be a mega-producer to know that his songs suck…

  23. Why Do You Care?

    OMG YOU GUYS!!! She isn’t trying to prove anything! She wants to be a good mother! And she is a good mother! Sharks are sharks…they are dangerous!!! Give her a break!!!!! She is keeping her kid safe! I give her props!! I can’t believe you guys would keep sharks in your house with a little kid! You guys are worse parents than her! I hope your kids get eaten by sharks!!! God….

  24. loagun

    Whats sad is that Britney is probably a way better parent then any of the poseters here had/ or is a better parent then anyone here. Except for me ofcourse because I’m amazing.

  25. bunnyhugger

    janey is absolutely right. they are sharks in name only( i think i made the same point over at the other site). many people have tanks with sharks in them, my son had a couple.
    more dangerous is a breed of small fish (i can’t remember what they are frickin’ called) that resemble piranha, but are legal to own and sell. when you see piranah on a tv show, it’s usually these little buggers. same son supplied several types of fish and reptiles, etc. for CSI in it’s early years. been bit more than once. oscars can also take a chunk out of you if hungry enough. icthyology lesson over.
    i feel bad for anything that k-fed is supposedly caring for.seems to me she should be more worried about the kid pulling the tank over on himself. what a couple of tools.

    dang. anybody remember what those fish are called? arrgh.

  26. jrzmommy

    23–Ahhhh….i DO keep sharks in my house, we can’t help it….unkay? We happen to be a family of mer-people, for your fucking information…unkay? And, um, OMG I can’t believe YOU are so insensitive to those with waterier dwellings than yours, unkay? OMG, unkay?

  27. jane's eyre

    Sure she’s a great mother. She’s proved that time and time again. She always does the utmost to make sure her baby is safe and healthy. I totally agree with you, #23.

  28. Justin Igger

    kevin straight in my book yo for real though

  29. 25- bunny, why wouldn’t you tell us the name of the other site?

    What are ya yella’

    I kid! I’m kidding!!!

    “SpankCheeks” rules the mother fuckin universe!

    (I got promised a blowjob if I get 4 more shameless plugs on here!!!)

  30. ImSuicidal

    Y’all can hate jrzmommy if a want, but I love her!

    She’s funny!

    She’s insightful!

    and she puts up lots and lots of posts!

    Long live jrz and long live mommy!!!

  31. radio4play

    ok the kid is cute…i’m shocked the kid is cute

    dip dip

  32. LL

    “Next she’ll ask him to take down the Meth lab in the back yard. Bitch.”

    Fucking hilarious…

    Jane’s eyre is right, nurse sharks are relatively small (about 4-6 feet) and they’d be in a tank. A large tank, if he’s got 6 of them. Britney should be more worried about the kid falling down a flight of stairs or choking on a carelessly dropped Cheeto than the stupid sharks. Or what will happen to him when he starts school and all the other kids find out his mom is Britney Spears.

    But damn, he is cute. Why do stupid people have such cute kids? Is it to ensure they’ll get old enough to breed? In which case, shouldn’t we do something about that, pass a law or something? Personally, I think Britney and K-Fed reproducing is a far greater threat to America than Lance Bass marrying his boyfriend.

  33. You know, that is exactly what my hubby made me do, and I was so bummed to have to give up my mako, tiger and bull shark that lived in our pool… but I guess having the kids swim in there is somewhat risky when you have not fed them. I am with K-Fed on this… it is a real bummer.

  34. 86

    10 god you slay me

  35. AmericanMcKrout

    #23- Please go back to your pink Hello Kitty bedroom, get crackin’ on that term paper due tomorrow, and light a candle under your Britney shrine. This site obviously isn’t for you (and I mean that, Jamie Lynn!)
    #20- I was thinking the exact same thing! Frickin’ hilarious!

  36. PaisleyMoon

    Eat ho crack. This is retarded.

  37. PaisleyMoon

    It’s SO retarded I won’t even steal it for my own retarded site. Where’s the real Super Phish guy? Who are the lamers? Gag.

  38. Big Fig

    Never mind the two rottweilers tied up outside the trailer. “Keeeevin! Get them dag-gone dogs out the yard so Sean P. can play with his firecrackers.”…..Mother of the year. End of story.

  39. SuperShallow

    What is she thinking? Is the boy going to get hurt looking at the things? Or does she expect him to try and crawl into the tank to play with the sharkies? Okay, wait, maybe he’ll pull the tank down but then he’ll just be killing the sharks not vice versa…I’m not getting it what does she think is so dangerous about those animals? I’ll be honest, I’m more afraid of cocker spaniels than pet store sharks.

  40. causaubon

    not that i want to sound like a nerd BUT…

    nurse sharks are harmless. rarely do they reach lengths of more than 4ft. they do not eat fish, they are bottom feeders that eat crustaceans and shell fish and shit. they do not have big pointy teeth, their teeth are more like grinders (to crush shells). they are the catfish of the shark world. there are cases of them being trained to the point of letting people pet them, rub their bellies etc. thinking that a nurse shark is as dangerous as a great white because they are both sharks is like thinking that one of those toy guns that pops out a flag with “BANG” written on it as dangerous as a sawed-off shotgun with a touchy trigger because they’re both guns.

  41. causaubon

    although, come to think of it. the sharks would probably be better off at an aquarium or Sea World or something. they’ll be fed, looked after and have a bigger pool (bigger than than the bathtub they’re prolly in now) to swim in.

  42. Tits_McGhee

    Cheetos can be just as dangerous to little children as sharks can. I mean, think about obesity, diabetes, plus they can really smother the shit outta kids. But Fat ass Britney won’t get rid of her precious Cheetos stash, no way, no how.

    Did I just say that Cheetos can smother people??? Man, I really need to lay off of the weed.

  43. That’s no shock, coming from somebody who holds her kid because

  44. Chris'sMom

    I would also not like to sound like a nerd, But I am with causaubon on this one. i am from LA and I frequently visit the Pacific Aquarium of Long Beach. They have display tanks with Nurse Sharks and Rays. Anyone is aloud to pet them on their backs but not to stick teir fingers close to their mouths. It is just a precautionary measure to ensure that people or animals don’t get frightened or hurt. Nobody likes lawsuits. Nurse sharks are pretty much harmless unless you agitate them or you fuck around with them during mealtime. Britney should worry about all the Starbucks she drinks while being pregnant, not stupid pet sharks.

  45. HollyJ

    Is she BATHING the child in the shark tank?? The shark can’t get out and eat her child. It’s a fucking SHARK. It lives in a marine TANK. It doesn’t leap out and attack on dry land like a grizzly coming out of a salmon creek. She is SO FUCKING STUPID!!

    PS Sharks have very specific requirements (pH, specific gravity, O2 levels, etc), to keep them alive, and I can guarantee you they have people come out and deal with the tank on a regular basis. There’s no WAY K-Fed is smart enough or even not-fucked-up enough to keep up a shark tank.

    It should be illegal for stupid asstubes like this to own creatures as sensitive and demanding as sharks.

    Next, they’ll be breeding abused pit bulls and, while raising them, bait them to attack small fat baby boy dolls in stupid redneck hats. Sounds kinda like them

  46. sid


    It’s spelled HamburgLAR.

    Yeah, I’m so smart, but I never get a cookie…or a blowjob from Thora Birch. Life ain’t fair.

  47. ChickenScratch

    She should be more worried about her kids climbing up a bookcase (or whatever they keep the tank on) to get to a tank of water that they can drown in. I see a lot more potential hazards then being bit by a shark.
    Fuck sharks.

  48. ChickenScratch


  49. Jan E-J

    Skank or not, that baby is friggin CUTE.

  50. MortalityTechnician

    Why does everyone keep saying the kid is cute? That is one ugly baby. He’s fat and his cheeks are so red….looks like he’s a candidate for high blood pressure already. Five years from now when this kid is a 300lb troll beast on celebrity fit club it won’t suprise me in the least.

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